I'm in a Hard Time's Right Now.

Posting about my feelings and emotions in Facebook is not my thing, but last last night. I was watching the movie "More Than Blue". The movie brought me in tears not because I relate about what happened in movie about their love. It's mainly because I have a problem that I am through. It's really hard to wake up in the morning knowing that I am so down in life. I didn't tell my family about my problem, All I have is myself and God.

Anxiety feeling regarding with my studies and depression really sucks. I never tried to tell my true condition and feeling to someone because I am afraid to be judged and invalidate my feelings. I am in the part of my life, where I want to die. Yes, you heard that.

No one is willing to listen in all my feelings. All I can do is to cry, to make ease my emotions. Life has been hard when I started to enter in the life of College. It's so hard to do the activities and projects but I need to because the semester is about to end. What grade would I achieve if can't do all of this.

I wanted to stop Schooling because the Course that I've been right now isn't my bet. Or should we say that I didn't love the course where I am right now. One of things that I afraid is to change course and I have an anxiety that it will be the cause not to graduate.

Instead, my family should be the one to advice what I need to do. They are the one telling me that it was all my fault. I mean I need a family that wants to hear my opinions and choices, not family to push me more far. Maybe, because they didn't know what is my real situation. It's really easy to say something hurtful words if you didn't understand the true feelings of someone.

Should I accept being a failure or Should I fight my dreams? Well, I don't have any good choice to choose other than pushing and continue fighting where I am right now. Because, the moment I stop studying then that's the moment my family's expectations and Hopes in me will also stop.

Even though it is hard, Even though it is heavy. Even though I feel that I am the only one who's fighting. I must and need to continue fighting. This is life and I need to win this battle. Life is not always sad and life is not always happy. Maybe, I just need to pass this one for me to measure the true self of mine.

To those people who are also in pain and hurt right now, Let us be strong enough for our dreams and goals in life. Life will be meaningless if there is no problems and Challenges. Fighting because all will passed away. Even though we are so much pressure in School or in or Job, just cry it out for it to ease the feeling you feel right now.

Thank You For Reading!

Lead Image taken from Unsplash

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