I lost.

Hello beautiful people!

I hope you all are doing fine amidst of the shortcomings and uncertainties we may feel day by day. Always remember that a positive life is a happy life. ✨

6th of how many.

2019. 2020. Two consecutive years that I got hurt because of a person. I promised to myself that I will not get hurt again with the same reason. I promised to myself that I will not allow anybody to open my heart again. I build walls and set boundaries. I promised to myself that I will be careful enough. I promised.

2021. I broke my own promise.

I started a game. A game I thought I will win.

A person suddenly came to my life. Virtually. The intention of the conversation is just for a game. No feelings attached. No feelings involved. That's the rule. And the game started.

It was fun. It was enjoyable. It was amazing.

Not until I suddenly felt butterflies all over me while talking to that person. I always waited for my phone to notify me that I have a message coming from. I am always excited to talk about something. To share something. I am comfortable. That is why it always excites me everytime I see my phone light up just incase. We even talked for hours. Without realizing the time to be exact. I enjoyed every bit of moment with her. Never wasted any.

Is is really the feeling if you are talking to the person you badly want? Or is it just me?

I allow a person in my life. I even break my own walls and cut the boundaries I hardly set. I freely allow her coming to my life. I thought I will be happy. I was, for a short time.

I decided to stop what we have started. There's no us. I do not want to fall harder as I do not know what she truly feel. I do not want to assume. I do not want to expect.

I just realized, the reason I annoyed her earlier for too long was the last laughter I will share with her. I even joked around about us cutting ties. Now, it was a not a joke anymore. It was now the reality.

"Are you telling me to stop or continue?"

It took me minutes to answer. I need to make a wise decision.

And I answered. "We need to stop this."

I do not want to fall harder. I was hurt with my own decision. I was hurt that I tried to change it but chose not to. I need to hold on to what has been done.

The last message I recieved from her? "Okay. Thanks a lot!"

I even failed to ask her again if she really have a feeling for me just like how I feel for her. I failed to ask again because I am afraid that it will not the be the way I wanted it to be.

And that's when I realized, I lost at my own game. A game that I thought just really a game.

I lost. But I learned. A lot.

Now I decided to build a wall. A stronger one. To set boundaries. A broader one.

There is so much hurt in this game of searching for a mate, of testing, trying. And you realize suddenly that you forgot it was a game, and turn away in tears. - Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

FINAL THOUGHT:

Always keep your promise. Or much better, do not make any promises that you are not sure of getting it done correctly.

Listen to your mind. Before I step on this game, I initially told myself not to fall on trap. That I need to be wise. That I need to play well. I did. I tried. But my heart, my feelings they betrayed me. One thing I learned, "NEVER PLAY WITH LOVE, OR LOVE WILL PLAY YOU."

That's all for today beautiful people. I hope you learned and get something good about my article for today. If you have any thoughts and take away about this piece, feel free to leave it in the comment section below. Let's interact. Stay safe always! Xoxo ✨☺️

- MissJo 💜

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