10.23.22

I never thought of doing such a thing. I hated it, now I am becoming what I've hated. How could I do such a thing?

I was a little bit on or over the edge lately. I was kind of a bit uncomfortable being for the last couple of days. I cried my eye, heart, and soul out for some reason I don't know.

I need help. I thought I can hold it much longer. Don't ask me what I did. It was horrible.

I tried going to NCMH's registration as they offer a free consultation but to no avail. I guess it wasn't my lucky day or I am bad luck perhaps?

I am going crazy and I need someone to tell me that I am going crazy or else I may not be the same person I thought I was anymore and turn into someone that I don't want to be.

I decided to tell a close friend. I decided to tell my sisters about it. I want to let them know that something happened and it's all my fault. I want to warn them about me. It helped a bit. I ended up deactivating my Fb account but turned it back on as we are searching for a new place.

I want to go back to the place where I can go free. I want to go back to the place where there are people close to me. I want to go to the supposedly new home that we haven't stayed in. I wanted my identity back. Maybe my mother was right. Am I not ready yet or was it just my mind?

Yesterday, my husband and our kumpare dropped by at home. It was hard to contain my emotions from the things that I did, from the things that were bothering me.

While Lil B was asleep, I told my husband that I will go out for a little bit. I grabbed the 100 peso bill (10$) that I only have in my wallet and grabbed my cap and went out. I was just planning to buy Coca-cola to relax. When I got to the store, I suddenly bought a cigarette.

I felt like I need it instead of going crazy on my own. I need a little something to make me feel I was me again. The cigarette helped me calm and relax. I was walking back home and saw my husband waiting for me as he's searching for me all along. He thought I walked out. He didn't hear me say, I'd go out. He didn't get angry that I smoked, instead, he was worried. I took another hit on my cigarette and went back in as if nothing happened.

Our kumpare brought along shrimp and crabs. Yummy for someone who's allergic like me. He'll cook it for dinner and go out too. He bought a few ingredients at a nearby store. My husband and I decided to go out and follow him too. It was raining but as soon as the rain stopped, we saw a rainbow.

Looks like the world is telling me that there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Lol, just kidding. There's still a rainbow after the rain. I can still be me again. Just a little bit more, things will go our way.

Anyway, we had this delicious seafood for dinner.

Good thing that it's fresh enough so I didn't get severe allergic reactions. Antihistamine helped too. Another good thing is that Lil b is not allergic to shrimp and crabs, good for you little one! You and daddy can bond over seafood.

So much for being a little over the edge yesterday. Now let's be human again.

How did your Satuday go?

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