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I just made up that term, Parentophobia. Defined as fear of parents or being a parent.

I've always feared dark since I was a kid. Dark meaning pitch black dark, total lights off dark. I don't know, I wasn't afraid of other things other than that until I became a parent myself. Parents here will surely relate.

I came across @FarmGirl's article, parenthood on the horizon and she questions herself if she's going to be a good parent. I think this question always runs in the mind of soon to be parents or even to those who already have kids, no matter what type of situation they're in.

There are just some little things that I would like to talk about and share, if I can. This is coming from a first time mom that continue to worry about parenthood.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I never even thought of having kids at my age because growing up, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. What I want to be. Who I want to be. I didn't get the chance to think, try or even show what I wanted to do when I graduated high school and even in college. Most of the kids in our generation, especially to those who were not blessed financially, became an investment for our parents' future that somehow became a family tradition in the Philippines.

Parents or older people would always ask kids, 'What do you want to be when you grow up? What or who would you like to be someday? What do you dream to be?' Any of those questions can be asked to children's homework. Imagine they put an effort thinking what they like and what they want to be. Even your own parents would ask you that. Funny thing is, they ask you and then tell you to pick another one if they cannot afford it or if they don't want you to be what you want. Why would you even ask a kid and tell them something like that in the first place? I know raising kids are very difficult financially, but there are other ways that you can tell them so that they would understand. Saying such thing, it makes them confused too. At least that's what happened to me. I know that it's a case to case basis but parents should really think of the words they throw to their kids. I don't to sound as an ungrateful daughter but things like these happen to other people too.

*Sorry I needed to stop writing for a few minutes. It brought back some emotions*

Support

This is one of the very important things that a parent should do. Support in all kinds, financial, emotional, physical, mental, whatever-al that you can think of. It's every parents' job.

Sad part? Most parents focus on the financial support that they tend to pay attention less than the other things that their kids need. Some parents focus on supporting their children so that children can support them, chasing after what their parents' dreams are or should have had, passing on the problems that they should be solving, passing on the responsibilities that parents should be doing. Some parents focus on how they can make their life better financially, sacrificing their child's dreams or happiness that could help them financially some day.

I know that Filipinos are very family oriented people, we love to live and stay with our immediate family members, keeping the family together is always the main goal but is it required to pay all the expenses they've had for the children to be kept alive? to have a better future? But how are we going to know if we keep on telling them what to do, what not to do, what to be or what not to be.

How?

Some parents say that children can get along with their life, just by going with it. Experience is the best teacher. Teacher is you, the parent. Parent supports and guides children. Children must learn how.

For me, I think it's more important for children to know HOW things work, HOW life works and by knowing HOW, parents must guide and support so they would know the other Ws in question (What, Where, When, Why)

I am a parent of an eight month old baby. I know that these are not parenting tips but these are just things that continue running in my head. Worries that kills me everyday, what ifs that I may or may not be.

Fears

I am totally clueless on what I am doing as a mom, as a parent as I didn't even think of having kids cause I know in myself that I have a tendency to be rude, tactless, harsh, even hurtful.

Fear of doing things that I experienced to my child. This may come a little bit one-sided because I am sharing this in my point of view and how or what I felt. I deeply understand where my parents are coming from when it happend but emotional damage to a child is still there.

1. My parents always tell me I am a little demon when I was a child, cause I am stubborn.

2. Out of my 2 siblings, I was the only one who was spanked the most.

3. My mother strangled me because I am too stubborn.

4. My mother sliced my nape for a tinie tiny bit because I am acting out and making face without saying a thing.

5. My father chased me with a wooden table because I didn't do the chores right away and being stubborn.

6. My father hit me with a buckle belt in the eye without knowing because me and my sister were yelling at each other.

7. I was always told useless or lazy.

8. My father was disappointed when I ranked 3rd in class.

9. Both of my parents were always disappointed at me for not getting high grades as my 2 sister does.

10. Both of my parents didn't support anything that I like, from volleyball to dancing to singing.

11. There was a time that my mother said that she wished I was never her child.

12. Comparing my sister's achievements to mine (none)

13. My parents always made me the 'apple of their eye' when something is wrong or when we were financially short.

I can't continue anymore...

I cannot recall a bad thing that I did when I was a kid. I didn't bully anyone, I didn't bully my sister, I didn't hurt anyone to the extent of me being a demon or any even harm other people aside from the fact that kids, siblings do fight about chores, about little small things.

I know I should be grateful, which I am. I totally understand why they did, say or treated me that way but one thing that I really wished was 'I hope that didn't deal with it that way' because though little somehow I forgave them, they cannot take away the damage, emotionally and physically. It's forever stuck in me and having a younger sister, put my frustrations onto her. I think my parents should also be thanful to my friends or me because I didn't turn out to be a demon that they once called me.

Hate

I've hated them in some way but who am I to hate my parents. After all that they sacrificed for us, for me.

I know that they might not remember some things that happened when I was a kid. But thinking about it, I cannot remember somethings that happened back then. I cannot remember other things other than the ones that hurt me.

Things have changed a little bit when I ran out of our house a few years ago and I know that something knocked in their heads since then. I really wished that they would know why I left, why I acted out, why I did such thing and I wish that they know me as a person.

I remember me and my cousin talking about our parents, the hatred we have for our parents. He's 45y/o by the way and not in good terms with his father. We all have daddy issues, and he asked me and his brother how did we manage to let it all go. I told him that I don't want to carry it all forever especially after having a kid. We must make way for new anger or hatred HAHAHAHA. Basically, he can t let it go because he was still hoping that his dad will know and learn how to sarmy sorry.

Sorry

To all people or parents reading this, we teach kids when to say sorry, this should also go with adults. Saying sorry does not belittle you. Saying sorry mean you understand what and why it happened. Saying sorry basically means you did something wrong and unacceptable. Saying sorry and admitting that parents are wrong sometimes will not kill you. Sorry doesn't have a price.

Love

Being a mother, a parent turned things around. My hatred towards my parents turned into love for my child, my own family.

I love the world for giving me friends that helped me shaped for who I am. For giving me a husband that made me a better person. For our Lil B, who will make me even a better person (I hope).

I love the little things and values that my parents taught us. Ironic right? HAHAHAHA I KNOW! But I will definitely change how I discipline my chld, totally different from what my parents did to me.

I am trying my best to be not what I think I will be as a parent. My husband won't let me turn into a deMOM for sure. Right know I really hoped that my parents could've done it differently and I might turn like the daughter that they want me to be.

There's just a thing that I keep in mind so I can deal with parenthood. Every person is unique. I must know them as a person so I can deal with each of my kids in a nice way. One trick may work on the other but some may not. Find a sweet spot, find a weakness, find a strength.

I know that there is standard parenting but I think the question is how would you know to be or if you are a good parent?

**This has been sitting on my drafts a few days now. I just want to let it out. If you don't agree just don't. I am not arguing with anyone else but myself.

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