How far can you go?

How far can you go for a dream that was not yours? Or would you rather chase the dream you don't dream about in the first place?

I just finished everything that are needed for teachers' ranking. It's my third try I guess and I am hoping I will an item this year or else? Hmmm. Not sure though. Honestly, I am third of chasing this dream - to become a teacher. This is not my dream in the first place. It's my grandparents'. I asked them why they liked this for me and their reason was because teachers are respected in the community and everyone calls them as "sir" and "ma'am" regardless of any position they had. They also thought that this profession can make us rich. It feels like they want me to continue the dream they had. What about mine dream? Well, just simple. I dream to be a housewife taking care of the house and the children. I love cleaning, cooking and washing clothes, well I guess all the household chores. I dreamed about being with my kids (if ever I gave birth again lol) at home waiting for their dad. But I am not just a housewife, I'm a housewife with business. I mean, I want to have a mini-mart or a small convenience store at home because I believe that business will truly lift our situation and would give us profit. And, my kids will soon inherit the business and I have something to leave to them in the future.

I told my grandparents about this dream but it seems like they don't like it. They are so persistent about me being a teacher that my grandma joked of not letting me go to College if I won't be taking Education as my course. Just to make them happy and proud, I took Education and finished the degree. Now that I finished it and passed the board exam, they are not still satisfied because I am not yet in the Education field teaching as a public teacher. I did my best but what can I do if it's not yet my time? If it's not yet my time to be in that situation, then I wouldn't be in it.

I care about my future but I am tired too. I am tired from being a first time mom, a girlfriend, and a daughter. In short, I am tired at life. I am not sure if I am still me and if I can do things just like before. I doubt myself and my ability. I am not sure if I can redeem myself from being to pessimist. Plus, my anxiety is acting up again. I can say that it is because I suddenly woke up from sleep and am chasing my breath. I thought I can get over with this mental health condition but it seems like it's getting worse. I now doubt myself if I can still function well.

Going back to preparing my documents, so yeah, I was so tired yesterday. I and my boyfriend just ride on a motorbike in going to places where we can authenticate my papers. On our way, heavy rain fell and my papers also get wet. We didn't mind the rain because we need to finish everything so I can submit it on that day but the rain poured hard and we stopped by for almost an hour. I also ran out of money and I almost decide that I will not continue my application. Glad that I have this friend who lend me an amount that I need.

From my experience, I realized that when you're in a hurry, there's a lot of hindrance, problems that will occur along the way and maybe those are God's way of testing our patience and if we are passionate about what we do - of how far can we go. In the process, He will also gave us angels who will help us throughout and we don't notice it most of the time.

My point is that let's be thankful although a lot of challenges came because those are what make us stronger.

Like today, it rained again but I decided to travel here, to the town next to ours where there is an internet connection so I can publish my article. I am so happy because I have something in my wallet which means another savings for Clea's Christening.

Thank you, God for always giving us blessings may it be big or small.

Happy Saturday! ❤️