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Am I a cheater? Again?

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Avatar for Marinov
Written by   149
3 months ago

Lately I've been thinking of someone who has been a part of my life. Though we've been together for 6 months, the memories that we had are the memories I can't forget.

Am I too early to realize my fault? Or was I too late to know that I should've not let him go?


It's almost 5 months since we broke up because he found out that I was cheating on him. Yes, I did. I felt really bad about it that until these days, my tears would fall and my heart still aches. I guess this is what they called "karma". What is karma? According to Oxford Dictionary, in Hinduism and Buddhism, it's destiny or fate, following as effect from cause. Which also means that, what you did in the previous states of existence is also your deciding fate in the future existence.

So I guess that's why I'm happy but not totally because I know there's a person who I made miserable. He's a very kind man, the kindest I know but I made him into something I can't imagine he will be. I should be over it yet my heart tells me that I should ask for forgiveness again.

Now, I'm in a relationship with the guy he found out I was with. We are happy. But I know that both of us are guilty. I shouldn't be engaged with someone when I'm in a relationship and he shouldn't be courting me because he knows I'm in a relationship. I'm not sure if you'll understand it tho since I can't explain comprehensively. Lol.

I'm not saying that I don't love my boyfriend now. I chose him over my ex. It's just that there's something inside my heart and my mind that needs to be fixed, that needs to be healed. I need to be healed.

https://unsplash.com/photos/C1uI6SUfhUY

I'm crying, literally. Haha! I wish I can finish writing this or else this will be just another draft and I would end up writing something else.

I should not think about him nor care for him. But, I can't avoid it.

Am I a cheater? Again? I hope you can give me your honest answers and give advice if you have spare time.


Way back July, 2020, I attended a birthday of my friend's mother. Let's just call her, Z. My friends are there too. Z also in invited her new friends and my ex was one of them. The party went well, we enjoyed and we're glad that we met new friends as well. I wasn't expecting that that meeting would happen again. After the birthday party of Z's mother, everyone decided to have a drink for some time so they set a date and the meeting place.

Fast forward

The second meeting happened and it was followed again with series of outings and parties. Little did I noticed that Steve, (my ex) was being close to me like he's next to where I sit. Well, I just let it go because he's a good man and also enjoyed talking to him. He is so generous that every outing we had, he was the one who paid all the expenses, food, the place and even the drinks. I even asked him if he had enough money to pay since we've been partying a lot so I can help him pay. To make it short, he confessed that he felt something special towards me. I like him but I'm not sure if I'm ready to be in a relationship so I didn't answer.

Days passed, he want back to Cebu because he needs to handle their business. Without Steve, we seldom met the new friends we also had since they are Steve's friends as well. Though he's not here, he didn't fail to make me happy. One time he contacted an event planner to give me a surprise in just ordinary day. He's away so he can't give it to me personally. The event planner was the one who gave me stuffs that he ordered. He was still courting me but his efforts are great.

He was just so generous and sweet. There are a lot of gifts that he gave me actually. So after a month of pursuing, I gave Steve a yes. We were happy then even though we're not together in the same place. He planned to come home but of course, because of the pandemic, it's not easy. He arrived last December I forgot the exact date. He undergo 14-days of quarantine. So just imagine how he sacrifice a lot for our relationship. I don't why I didn't appreciate it before.

After 14 days, we saw each other again. He gave the world to me. I won't deny he came from a well-off family so every date or every time we go out, he will spend. He knows how much I love to eat so he spoils me with food and sweets. He was my food buddy.

He gave me this during in 1st month. It's not him who literally gave me, it's his friend since he's in Cebu that time
My birthday. He gave me this with the help of his friend
One of our eating sessions haha!

We really had a lot of memories that are saved in my phone (those memories like foods and things he gave only since our pictures together were erased by my boyfriend) Steve was a very good boyfriend. He would provide though you're not asking.

We spend his 2-week vacation here being happy and everything went well between the two of us. After that, he went back to Cebu. The days he's not here in Leyte made way for me to met another man. If you read my previous article, I said there that I like to go to parties so after my work as an online teacher, at 9 PM, my friends would be outside my workplace and wait for me. We went to a beach party and that's when and where I met Chris, my boyfriend now.

Chris is exactly the opposite of Steve. Chris and I vibe really great. There are so many things that we have in common. He's a party-goer and I am too. He likes adventure and I do too. I don't know but I got attached to him so quick. He always wait for me after my duty and would be in our boarding house's terrace so we can talk. Days passed by so quickly that I didn't noticed I knew all his family since he brought me to their home during special family occasions which Steve never did.

Steve wants to settle down that time. He wanted marriage since he's stable in life and so ready to have a family. Whereas me, I'm not yet ready for it because I need to fulfill my promise to my grandparents that I should be hired and get a teaching position in DepEd before I marry. Steve understood that but he constantly brings out marriage as one of our topics. Maybe that's why I was afraid of even going further with him.

While Chris, we have the same plan. We will get to know each other first like to live together for a year so we really know each other before moving on to marriage. (Wala pa namang divorce dito kaya dapat kilalanin talaga haha)

Everything went so well between us and Chris. He knew that I have a boyfriend and it's fine with him and he gave me one condition. "To slowly make Steve understand that I am loving someone else." Days have passed and surprisingly, Steve came back without letting me know. That's when the chaos starts. Many bad moments happened but I will just tell the very crucial one -- our break-up.

When I was about to meet Chris, (he's waiting outside my workplace), I did not know that Steve was there too. This is not the first time he saw me and Chris together but then he just accepted me again and again. I don't have the guts and strength to tell Steve that we should broke up. I don't want him to get hurt but my ways are more than agony for him which I didn't notice. I really feel so bad and feel so sorry. It was really a big mistake. A big mistake that until now I will never forget.

So after that incident, Steve just came to me and ask me if I love him still or not. I did not gave him an answer since I was in a state of shock and I don't know what to say. After that silence, he just hugged me and walked away.

We broke up.

I chose Chris and I was with him now. We are doing fine but the thoughts of Steve kept flashing on my mind and it hurts me still. Steve reaches me out but Chris cut all our contacts and blocked Steve in all of the social medias we're connected. I asked for forgiveness from him before he came back to Cebu but I guess that's not enough.

So tell me. Am I a cheater again for thinking about my ex? Or am I a cheater again for not telling what I feel to my boyfriend?

I'm confused.

That's all for today. So much for the drama haha thank you for reading, lovelies! Have a productive Monday!

https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl

Ciao! ❤️

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Avatar for Marinov
Written by   149
3 months ago
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Comments

Did you ever cheated in one of Ma'am Ampo's exam?🤣😝

$ 0.00
2 months ago

You're called a cheater for a reason. But the reason behind deals more to what's shown above the surface.

$ 0.05
3 months ago

Omg, so what are those? I'm lost! 😁 welcome to read.cash!

$ 0.00
3 months ago

I agree with uncle Ed (@tengolotodo) hehe

$ 0.02
3 months ago

Hehe salamat Mrs P!

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Awww, if that's it I will surely consider this and rethink what have I done with my life. 😅 but honestly, this really helps me a lot in realizing my mistakes.

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3 months ago

They aren't mistakes, it is all part of life's parcel of living.

$ 0.00
3 months ago

You are young, and for me you aren't in love with with either of them. Be you, enjoy yourself, have fun and do what you want, and don't beat yourself up about it.

$ 0.02
3 months ago

Really? Why do you say so that I'm not in love with either of them? Oh my this is somewhat a realization for me that I need to think about.

$ 0.00
3 months ago

You might love them both, you do I think. But you aren't in love. There is a massive difference I think. Has one really stolen your heart and taken your breath away, if so then you are in love, if not you just love them and there is no cheating involved whatsoever

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Ugh, truth hurts! This is just so right. What kind of fool have I become

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Silly you are a young beautiful lady, not a fool! This is called living your life, it is how we grow as people. Just don't worry and be happy

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3 months ago

Ooh how I wish I could do that in an instant.

$ 0.00
3 months ago

selos naiisip ko hehehe sensya

$ 0.02
3 months ago

Hello po! Ano po ibig sabihin nyo? Sino po nagselos?

$ 0.00
3 months ago

nung blinock nya ate, siguro ayaw nyang may nakakaagaw rin ng atensyon mo sakaniya kaya pinutol nya ung communication nyo sa isa

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Ay oo tumpak. Napakaseloso pagdating sa mga exes ko. Hinahayaan ko nalang para walang gulo.

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Bug at man sa dughan memsh nasakitan ko sa part ni ex pero nakasabot ko sa imuha part. For me your not a cheater you just need to forgive yourself para mawala nana nga guilt. Yes, that was just guilt. It's not cheating. Maybe I would suggest nga mag meet mo tulo or magstorya mo sa imuha bf bout Ana nga feelings. Para ma free naka of the guilt that hindering you to be fully happy. The happiness that you deserve.

$ 0.02
3 months ago

Mahadlok ko mo open up anis aho uyab ron mamsh kay dugay naman gud ning nahuman para nija kalimtan na unta pero di man jod ko kalimot. Haha! Not until madungog jod nahog utro gikan nija nga ija nako gipasaylo.

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Ahw ingnaa imuha uyab mem ug gihigugma ka niya makasabot siya total para mana sa inyuha relationship. Maka tandog mana ninyu mem gud. So, much better nga magstoryahay mo about ana.

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Na nagstorya nami ana mamsh. Haha! Para nija di na kuno balik balikon ang nahuman na. Ako raman jod sig huna2 pod lge

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Wow! I can't believe Steve remained so calmed till the very end. He only hugged you and left without making a scene or throwing a tantrum. What a guy!

Why do I feel so sorry for Steve, even when you seem to connect more with Chris? First of all, I think I understand why Steve was always coming up with the marriage talk when you were not just ready yet. He was ready on his part and you mentioned he was doing well too so he just wanted to start a family of his own with you and couldn't wait any longer.

But what I don't understand is why you decided to see someone else and even ended up falling for the person when you were still in a relationship with Steve. I am sorry but I am not trying to play the guilt game here or make you feel bad but honestly, you were wrong for seeing someone else and even falling for him too.

So if you are feeling bad now or like a cheater is probably because of your past mistakes. You still haven't been able to forgive yourself for what you did to Steve and how you made the relationship end. It may not be that you still love your ex, it's normal to miss him because at that time you were still indecisive but I can't say you are a cheater for missing your old friend. He is still your friend regardless.

As for your new love Chris, why did he do that? I mean deleting your photos with Steve and blocking your contacts with him? Isn't he being a little too possessive when you guys aren't even married yet? Even if he was jealous and didn't want you to keep talking to Steve, he would have asked nicely for you to do it yourself and not him blocking you or stopping you. You are a grown-up and you know what you want and what you don't. He shouldn't be making decisions for you when you guys aren't even married yet.

I am sorry if I am passing my boundaries but I really do hope you think better and make the right decisions, it's for your future and nothing more. If you still feel that the call wasn't enough apology, then maybe it's high time you make plans about meeting Steve and apologizing properly. You deserve the peace of mind and you can only get that when you forgive yourself and forget all about the bad moments and incidents between you and Steve It's okay to keep the beautiful ones and cherish them but you have to let go of the ugly ones to be able to live happily with whosoever you will later decide to spend the rest of your life with.

And no I will say this again, thinking about your Ex doesn't make you a cheater, it's only a sign that you still have some scores to settle with him, and until you do that, you will keep feeling that way Maria Nov. So do something about it and be free totally.

$ 0.05
3 months ago

Wow! This advice is too awesome! 🥺 My decision was right to open up what's messing with my mind lately because I was given advices from lovely people in here including you. Yes I admit it's really my fault. Seeing someone else while I'm in a relationship is just so bad. I regret it to the highest level to the point that I want to turn back time and make everything right. Thank you so much for this dear. I really appreciate this. Sending love! ❤️

$ 0.00
3 months ago

That's the sad truth. We only realize our mistakes after we had already messed up lol, but it's okay at least you learned some valuable lessons that you could teach someone else too and warn them about making the same mistake. Warm hugs from here 🤗

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Yes! Thank you so much. 🤗

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Anytime dear. See you around

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3 months ago

That got me confused too lol! But kidding aside, you have to think and' feel' it over. Kaw lang talaga makadecide nyan :)

But Chris blocking your connection with Steve is quite immature (to me) or he's being jealous :) But even if he's jealous, he shouldn't have done that. You know, trust is one of the very foundations of a relationship... (Just my 2 cents tho)

$ 0.02
3 months ago

Kaya nga eh. Di ulit ako nakahingi ng patawad at di ko alam kung okay ba siya ngayon o hindi. Kaya siguro di parin at peace utak ko. 😅

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Don't overthink iha :D Bka mamaya lalong magjelly c C hehe. At least nakahingi ka naman ata ng patawad non?

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Kaya nga eh. Yan rin sabi ng mga kaibigan ko kasi overthink ng overthink. Palaging naawa. kaya di maka move on. Haha! Oo din eh na gi guilty din ako kasi di ko to makwento sa kanya. Hmm yes I already said many times nung may contact pa kami.

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Haha ikaw din pala nagpapahirap sayo eh :D Nagsorry ka na and what's done is done. Enjoy your present na lang :D

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3 months ago

Omg para akong nabuhusan ng tubig dito ah. Haha! Totoo to. Ako lang nagpapahirap sa sarili ko. Mygad cassie.

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3 months ago

hahaha good! Now you're widely awake! Go clean up your mess hahaha.

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3 months ago

Hahaha yes madam 😅

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Guilt isn’t necessarily bad. Sometimes it’s even productive. Feeling bad after making a mistake can lead to change, such as an apology or a decision to make different choices in the future.

$ 0.02
3 months ago

Yes, perhaps this is guilt. I just hope I can have a chance to make an apology again so my mind would be at ease knowing that he's already fine.

$ 0.00
3 months ago

I guess your still in love with your ex haha, just a guess, still you were the one who knows that. I feel pity of your ex too hehe

$ 0.02
3 months ago

Haha maybe, I don't know. If I love him still, it would be not as much with my bf now. I feel bad about him too. Gusto ko makahibawg naunsa ra sija. Haha

$ 0.00
3 months ago

heheheheh confused paka meems, hehhehe

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Mao lge mamsh. Panahon ra siguroy makapawa ani haha. Time heals bja kuno.

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Hahahaha jem's hehehe o gud ikaw rajud.ana meem kay unfair sad sa imong partner run if he knows diba? 😊

$ 0.00
3 months ago

Lge mem. Maguilty man jod pod ko kay feel naho nag cheat nako ani.

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3 months ago

hehe

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3 months ago