Words That Used to be Hidden.
Earlier, before I started to write this article, I stood up from lying on my bed; I immediately got some tissue and wiped my tears. It is not tears that come from intentional crying but from unknown reasons. It was like I was dreaming, but I didn’t know what my dream was. It feels new for me as I get along through my journey. It feels unsafe for me. It feels new as I get to the point that I even don’t want to hear jokes for myself. I don’t know where to go, so the only go-to things I have right now are writing and sketching. Although music is always there since then, it hurts me a lot more. I can’t express myself recently because I feel broke about some things. Being ignored and feeling unwanted makes those feel. I want to cry as of this late night, but there is no one I can talk with. Actually, there is no one wants my stories. I am trying to cope with this feeling right now, but it is still stronger than me. I think this is my kryptonite.
Another thing to connect with is the anxiety I experienced before I entered this college journey. I don’t have friends to chat with; only myself could be my best friend. Literally, we have no one to come with if there is a flood of trials but ourselves, but I wonder how having a friend really feels. I do have some classmates that I eventually closed with and shared some dramas of my life, but I am still fitting myself into a box I don’t belong. I know it shouldn’t go through my head, but apparently, resting forever still becomes a choice.  I always listen to their decisions, stories they love to tell about, problems, but how about me? They didn’t even ask me how am I or even what was going to my life. That pushes me to find a person who can relate to me. My family actually makes fun of me every time I try to open up with them because they think it is always a joke. I can’t keep up with it. They just proved to me that even they couldn’t be my friend. To be honest, it’s not their responsibility, but am I too soft for feeling this?
I just can’t do anything right now but feel sorry for myself for feeling this. The only thing I can do is share what I am feeling and let this out, and those feelings are not safe anymore. I am preparing things up from now. I am trying to create more and more, so if I leave here, at least there are things I could save and be remembered as my existence. Nonetheless, I am praying that instances would still be far from now because if that happened tomorrow, I would be sadder.
As of now, I have no other choice but to keep standing every day. I still have many bills to pay, a mother to spoil, siblings to support, and self to cure. I don’t know if it is possible to make that all happen, but a believer is always a believer, I believe. I might be weak many times, but I am hoping for more force to keep pushing myself to continue. This is just nothing. I don’t actually have somebody to talk with right now, but grateful, on the other hand, to know that I am writing and sharing stories like this here that started a year ago and still counting. I don’t want to be a problem to anyone; that’s what I am holding for everyone. Thus, I don’t want to experience the same thing. I’m too soft at any point right now, and I wouldn’t say I like it. I am hoping for a stronger me in the days coming.
Thank you for reading this article.
You can read my previous articles here:
A Lonely Walk at the End of the Week.
A Thing Called “unwinding” Led Me to Find Inner Peace for a While.
An Open Letter to the Person Behind my Growth.
Deppression, anxieties and feeling of unacceptance is a mental health issues that we have to dealt with. Some may not understand the feeling of a certain individual who suffers from it. They would say that it is just the way we handle things or we have to try to look at the brighter side of things. I know its not that easy and you cant just help but feel it. It is quite hard to look or seek help professionaly coz its expensive . But i guess our leaders need to include mental health issues in their platforms. We need to have an institution that would offer free services in helping people suffering from it. Hoping and praying that you can win your battle from it.