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Earlier, before I started to write this article, I stood up from lying on my bed; I immediately got some tissue and wiped my tears. It is not tears that come from intentional crying but from unknown reasons. It was like I was dreaming, but I didn’t know what my dream was. It feels new for me as I get along through my journey. It feels unsafe for me. It feels new as I get to the point that I even don’t want to hear jokes for myself. I don’t know where to go, so the only go-to things I have right now are writing and sketching. Although music is always there since then, it hurts me a lot more. I can’t express myself recently because I feel broke about some things. Being ignored and feeling unwanted makes those feel. I want to cry as of this late night, but there is no one I can talk with. Actually, there is no one wants my stories. I am trying to cope with this feeling right now, but it is still stronger than me. I think this is my kryptonite.
Another thing to connect with is the anxiety I experienced before I entered this college journey. I don’t have friends to chat with; only myself could be my best friend. Literally, we have no one to come with if there is a flood of trials but ourselves, but I wonder how having a friend really feels. I do have some classmates that I eventually closed with and shared some dramas of my life, but I am still fitting myself into a box I don’t belong. I know it shouldn’t go through my head, but apparently, resting forever still becomes a choice. I always listen to their decisions, stories they love to tell about, problems, but how about me? They didn’t even ask me how am I or even what was going to my life. That pushes me to find a person who can relate to me. My family actually makes fun of me every time I try to open up with them because they think it is always a joke. I can’t keep up with it. They just proved to me that even they couldn’t be my friend. To be honest, it’s not their responsibility, but am I too soft for feeling this?
I just can’t do anything right now but feel sorry for myself for feeling this. The only thing I can do is share what I am feeling and let this out, and those feelings are not safe anymore. I am preparing things up from now. I am trying to create more and more, so if I leave here, at least there are things I could save and be remembered as my existence. Nonetheless, I am praying that instances would still be far from now because if that happened tomorrow, I would be sadder.
As of now, I have no other choice but to keep standing every day. I still have many bills to pay, a mother to spoil, siblings to support, and self to cure. I don’t know if it is possible to make that all happen, but a believer is always a believer, I believe. I might be weak many times, but I am hoping for more force to keep pushing myself to continue. This is just nothing. I don’t actually have somebody to talk with right now, but grateful, on the other hand, to know that I am writing and sharing stories like this here that started a year ago and still counting. I don’t want to be a problem to anyone; that’s what I am holding for everyone. Thus, I don’t want to experience the same thing. I’m too soft at any point right now, and I wouldn’t say I like it. I am hoping for a stronger me in the days coming.