Is there ever a chance in your life that you feel like this? You feel that you don't want to live anymore? That in your mind you just want to stop everything and just end your life? I know a lot of you may say it's a crazy thought. But for me it's a no. Because I always have this feeling in me. Just hiding inside my head and keep on appearing whenever I'm depress. Eversince I was a child I had this. Yes,maybe a crazy thought for everyone. But for me it's a serious thought that I tried so many times in my life. I just don't know why in those attempt I never ended up dying. There's always a scenario that someone caught me doing it or sometimes I wake up in a realization that I am really afraid to do it or finish it. Maybe,sometimes it's because of the blood that I saw running down my wrist. Because I am afraid of blood maybe that's one of the reason I can't finish it sometimes. Or maybe I am just a lucky bitch that God doesn't want my life to end yet. But everytime I am depress I always have the same thought over and over again in my mind. Just like today if not for my kids. If not for the baby inside my womb. And if not for my son who who is stranger in this house I am more than willing to end all this! I am willing to finish this useless life that I have. Because I can't take it anymore! I am so suffocated and cannot breath at all! I want to scream! I want to cry out loud. But everything needs to remain in my head. I need to pretend I am okay. I need to let them see that everything is okay. That there is no problem at all. That I am happy even though I am not. It's really hard to pretend but maybe I just I have an artist side in me. Where I can laugh,smile and let them see that everything is fine. Even though my heart wants to explode anytime. No,I am not okay! I am not fine just like what you see. But how can I let them know this? If I am just stranger here in this house? If I don't have the right to complain and cry? People thought I am lucky. They thought I am just a happy go lucky one. That I can do anything I want. But that's not true. Because I am like a prisoner here in my head. Thinking of something that I should not. Wanting to end things even if I should not. Please help me oh God! Please help me clear my mind. I don't know until when can I keep it up. I don't know if until when can I hold on to the things that letting me have a sane mind...
Did you share these sentiments to your husband? Having someone you can talk with really helps to lighten your emotions. And what do you mean about your son who is a stranger in the house?