I haven't been depressed in a very long time unfortunately I'm at it again; my last recorded depression was early October, barely a month now and it's back again in full force. Depression so hard that I almost skipped writing today because I have all of a sudden lost interest in anything that used to seem like fun for me, my favourite songs have become boring, those crypto charts are beginning to look like some complex math which I do not want to understand, I've become extremely quiet and I do not feel like I want to talk to or see anyone. Nothing basically interests me at this point but I simply had to force myself up to write this article so I wouldn't have to beat myself up for skipping writing today after all my "yes to writing everyday" challenge still exist, and although I can't control this depression, I wouldn't allow it influence my writing decision irrespective of how boring writing may feel at this moment.
Depression is a real killer, those who have never been depressed in their lives should consider themselves lucky, I sincerely envy them because they have no idea how gifted they are to not experience it. Depression cannot be explained, it simply comes and goes at will and the addiction part begins to come in with time; I have become addicted to being depressed such that I begin to miss it and sometimes feel like being depressed once more because my brain constantly tells me that depression will make me feel better, function better and think better in the hall of logic. It turns out that addiction to depression makes you feel like depression is te next best thing but as soon as it hits again you begin to feel like your life is basically pointless and your existence is negligible. I hate it when I'm depressed and I love it at the same time for reasons I cannot explain; I guess being addicted has warped my mentality and altered my logic about whether depression is good or bad as it has increasingly become difficult for me to decide.
Most people ask if there's something I'm going through or difficult times, most say I have every reason to be happy but I feel it should be known that depression and happiness are different things; depression is situation irrespective, it doesn't matter if you're rich, poor or middle-class, happy, sad, comfortable or whatever terminology describes various situations humans could exist- depression is simply depression and if it's meant for you then there's no escaping it.
Chester Bennington (lead singer for linking park, my favourite band) had everything or almost everything yet he was depressed for most of his life and eventually committed suicide on the 20th of June 2017; which proves that anyone can suffer from depression for no reason at all... Depression can't be explained; sometimes it's almost like there's a missing piece of your life and no matter how hard you try, you just can't figure out what's missing, sometimes it feels like your life is without a purpose, without a direction and you're simply existing while following the flow of life like a dog chasing cars which if it caught one wouldn't know what to do with it.. that's what depression does to you, you'd hardly understand what's happening to you all you know is you don't wanna talk to or see anyone, everything becomes boring and you begin to question your existence. It comes without informing you; one moment you're happy, the next a transformation happens and all things happiness instantaneously vanishes before your eyes like the four dimensional divergence of an anti-symmetric second rank sensor (whatever that means).
I'm not suicidal; I will not commit suicide like Chester Bennington and some other people whom depression drove down the suicide lane, I will continue to fight it till the end and will eventually get used to it as a part of me if no solution arises. I don't want to see a psychologist or they're simply gonna rip me of my hard earned money and make me go through those meaningless and unending therapy which eventually drives their patients to suicide.
Though this depression may continue but it wouldn't be the end of me as I'd continually come out stronger and better......
I feel alone in this world; no matter how many people I have around me, I continually feel alone....
Was so gloomy throughout the night that I didn't feel like sleeping and this sleep I didn't have until few minutes past 4am. It was a really weird night and had to click on that call button on telegram by 3 am in a bid to eliminate this weird feeling... special thanks to my one and only Japanese-Filipino crush @Ayane-chan for keeping me company via call for about one hour, we talked about various things and this helped with feeling better. The depression wasn't evident in my voice; we both laughed at some point as the conversation was the "next best thing". Even in depression the love for my crush will continually exist and this was evident in the conversation.
Toddles!
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Oh depression it's really sad,a difficult thing to overcome but yet not an impossible thing to overcome.been depressed really sucks😭it makes you lonely in this big world filled with people.you will get through this dear, keep Fighting,don't forget to talk to God,try to talk to people also. Just want to remind you that there is a purpose God created you,you are unique and useful to your world,and God has plans for you(Jeremiah 29 vs 11) plans to proper you,not to harm you,to give you hope and a future,see you at the top living a happy life again,that's my wish and prayers for you in Jesus name,Amen.