What a Week

**TRIGGER WARNING: medical procedures

Another week has gone by. Our dog is still not home. I don't think he's coming back. I'm so sad.

My mama goat, JJ, spontaneously aborted. She had triplets. All were stillborn.

I had gone out to feed when I saw 2 babies lying very still in the milk barn. They were licked clean, but not alive. Most goats have only 2 kids. Most people would've assumed JJ was done giving birth and gone about their day.

I didn't.

The first thing I did was to dispose of the 2 dead babies. It broke my heart. We have a spot for dead animals on the ranch, so I asked my husband to take them there.

The next thing I had to do was wash my hands and arm. I had to find out if JJ was done, or if there was another baby inside her. I quickly discovered I could not do this alone. Not with my broken finger.

I'm glad it was my husband's day off so he was able to help me. I went back into the house to get him and to wash my hands and arm again.

We got back out to the milk barn. Poor JJ was looking for her babies. Keith got her collar and stood in front of her while I examined her from behind. I'm so glad I checked.

There was one more baby inside. I had to pull it out. Not only was it dead, it wasn't even fully developed. After pulling the baby, I had to go back in the house, wash up again, and check JJ one more time.

It would be awful to assume she had no other kids inside of her. Because of there was, it would give her an infection and she would surely die. @Dr.Zak will tell you, often animals don't show they are ill or in pain until it is too late to do anything about it.

So, I washed up again, Keith held her still again, and I checked inside of her. There were no more babies this time.

After going back inside the house and washing up again, I had to now get her up on the milk stand and give her some shots. She got 2 shots of antibiotics and 1 shot of Oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that stimulates labor. Although she wasn't in labor anymore, she still needed to get rid of all the afterbirth. The antibiotics were just in case I introduced anything when I had my arm all the way inside of her.

I had to go to the clinic, the people clinic, to get my finger rewrapped. It got a little dirty while I was doing all the veterinary care.

This all happened five days ago.

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Meanwhile, Angus is still missing.

I've gone around and hung flyers all over town. I do keep getting calls, but the dogs are never Angus. And my heart is heavy. I fear he is gone for good. I keep trying to convince myself he ended up with a loving family. But I don't think that is the reality.

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Another momentous thing happened this week.

My youngest biological child stopped speaking to me when they were 16. But I haven't stopped trying to communicate with them.

Every now and then I have written a little note and sent it via private message to them on Facebook. Recently, they got married. I sent a congratulations note, never expecting to hear back.

I heard back.

They requested my email address and we've been writing back and forth for several days.

This is a good thing, right? You'd think I would be happy about it, right?

Well, I am thrilled. But I'm also terrified. I worry I will once again screw things up between us. I worry they won't like me. I worry about so many things. It's just in my nature to worry.

. . .

So, it's been a momentous week. And I'm pretty sure all of you know me well enough by now to know how I deal with stress. I just sort of freeze up. I stop writing. I stop exercising. It's literally been a week since I've worked out.

I haven't been completely inactive, though. I raked out the milk barn and spread fresh, clean, hay on the ground. Because JuJuB, JJ's daughter, is also bored and due to kid any day now.

I hope her kidding guess well. It'll be her first time. She should only have 1 baby the first time. And after that she'll have 2.

It's been so hard because I know all the time I'm spending with them I'm saying goodbye.

I've placed each of them in good and loving homes. But I am still so, so sad to say goodbye.

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We're still packing. Our stack of boxes is getting bigger every day. I'm still nervous about moving.

I worry I won't find work. I worry about all the things I have to do to move. Find a new doctor and a new dentist. Find a new therapist and a new psychiatrist. Find health insurance to pay for all of that. Figure out how to register my car. I'm not sure if will pass inspection in New York. We get away with a lot of things in Texas that we aren't able to get away with elsewhere in the country. I'll have to figure out how to get our water bill, electric bill, and gas bill paid. I need to figure out the internet.

There are simply so many things to think about and to do. And...I just freeze.

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If you've been wondering how I've been, and why I've not been around, now you know.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate all of you!

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Lead image photo by author; Angus