Turtle - Life In Real Time

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Avatar for JonicaBradley
3 years ago

Lead and first image: some artwork I made on sheetrock with melted crayons. I love painting with fire!

I heard tiny, whining, grunting sounds. They sounded sad.

I rolled over and adjusted the pillow over my head but after a few seconds I heard them again.

The sounds were coming from me.

I finally took the pillow off my face and opened my eyes. I realized I really didn't want to be awake, so lay back down and tried to fall asleep again.

It didn't really work. I felt d6ad and anxious.

After tossing and turning for a while, I finally forced myself out of bed.

I took my thyroid pill and made my way to the bathroom. After 30 minutes (the amount of time I must wait before putting anything in my stomach or the thyroid medication loses efficacy) I had my coffee. I sat and I sipped and I smoked.

And I realized for the past few weeks I've been exhibiting the same behavior as I did in high school.

My 9th or 10th grade school photo

High school was not a good time in my life. I was bullied in school, bullied at home, had been sexually assaulted by boys at school (we didn't call it that, then - I just thought it meant they liked me) who later bragged, usually untruthfully, about their conquest, encouraging other boys to seek out the "easy" girl. I wasn't easy. I was still a virgin.

Then, of course, the girls got wind of the boys' rumors and magnified them. And the bullying got worse.

I turned to drugs and alcohol. At age 14 I was either drunk or stoned or both during school hours. I smoked on campus and was always getting suspended.

The abuse at home ramped up, too.

I was filled with a deep seated shame. I knew I was rotten to the core. Every night when I was falling asleep I fervently hoped to not wake up.

Every morning when I first woke up, I would stick my head out from under the pillow and feel disappointed I was still alive. I would roll over, put the pillow back over my head and go back to sleep.

I called this behavior "turtle-ing." Even back thenI recognized the behavior for what it was: escape.

I no longer hope to not wake up and I'm no longer disappointed when I do wake up.

This morning I realized I am turtle-ing again.

There's been so much going on in my life the past few years. Some of it dealing with our son and his depression. Some of it dealing with a strange mystery illness (now resolved). Some of it, after our son tuned 18 and moved out and my psyche deemed it was time (and safe) for me to concentrate on a lifetime of "hashtag me too" moments, dealing with the memories I had suppressed.

And now, back to my son again.

In the mornings, when I first awake and I remember, I just don't want to have the day.

My feelings are too big.

I have no control over so much and you bet your bottom dollar I want to control.

I want to control my son's environment and his treatment. I want to take away all of his bad feelings. I want to hold him and rock him to sleep on my lap.

I want to control time and turn back the clock and change the past.

I want better control over my income and my work product. I want better control over my thoughts and memories and subconscious.

And it feels like I'm so out of control. It feels like life is happening TO me rather than happening because of me.

And I hate it.

In therapy, I recently learned I have never actually grieved. I've always escaped.

I've not grieved the death of my innocence. I've not grieved the loss of my children (that's a long story for another time). I've not grieved the death of my marriage (now restored). I've not grieved the death of my paternal grandmother, who was my favorite. I've not grieved the death of my father.

I've not grieved.

I've escaped. And suppressed. And escaped some more.

I flee from unpleasant feelings.

I flee as far and as fast as I can.

Today, I recognize the turtle for what it is. My safety shell. In the mornings, I poke my head out of the shell, see it isn't safe and pull my head back in.

Only, I AM safe. I'm safe in the sense that the abuses of the past will not find me here in the present. The abusers are far away or dead. I AM safe BECAUSE I have no control.

It's a hard concept to accept.

Because I have no control, I can't be held accountable. I can't be responsible for so much.

When I do have control, I tend to freak out because what if I fail? What if bad things happen and it's all my fault?

I have survived my past. I have done everything I could possibly do for my son and I love him so much. And I'm pretty sure he knows I love him so much.

My husband is my biggest supporter and my rock.

Even my animals help me to feel loved. Help me to feel as if I am a good person.

I just need to learn to believe, down in my bones, I'm safe, I'm good, I'm ok.

Even turtle-ing is ok.

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3 years ago

Comments

Ohh sorry for your past dear but, even how hard and difficult it is your still lucky because your survive and overcome all the pain, and I'm pretty sure your son made it also, because he have you in his life willing to support him and Understand him, God bless you and your family I will pray for you

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User's avatar Amz
3 years ago

thank you

$ 0.00
3 years ago

I feely the pain you go though from your past! :( I know it's not easy but I'm proud that you already surpassed those stress. God has a plan for you always remember that.

I wish I can hug you tight right now Maam <3 For now, I will send my virtual hugs to youuu ༼ つ ◕‿◕ ༽つ Smile and pray! Your so pretty wearing that <3

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3 years ago

Thank you.

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3 years ago

I can't compare what you have been through to mine, I was often bullied too, seems like a long time ago now that I look back. That was a really rough experience, I'm glad you are able to share it with us so we can learn from it. I'm also glad you didn't just give up, you are truly strong, you inspire everyone out there that has gone through what you have that there is more to life than just give up. The mistakes of the past are in the past for a reason, it's time to let it go, you have the future. You decide tomorrow. Escaping is something I have done all my life, when I can't handle something, I run. To be fair its really east to do but we can't just run forever, a time will come and we will have to face these demons once and for all. By the way, I admire your art work

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3 years ago

Thank you. I like most of my artwork, too.

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3 years ago

It is the downside of ignoring all those feelings. back then, you should have cried or shouted it all out. The furstrations, the overflowing anxiety and sadness, and the lingering regrets of not doing anything when your wholeness is being abused and trampled upon. But for some reason, one of our defense mechanism is to try to escape from it all. I know you also expected that if you just escaped it, they will all just dissolve away. But no, fate is cruel, there will be one day, one time, one period that all of those ignored emoions, traumas, will just come crashing unto you without control, and you don't know what to do. It is indeed miserable.

But who can blame you though? Is it your fault that you were abused, that people took advantage of your innocence and weakness? NO. You are the victim here. They should be the one suffering now, but it's you. Life can be unfair like this sometimes, and it sucks. I hate it. If only there is a superpowers that erases the existence of those bad past, so you'll just feel better, then okay.

You are doing a good job of sharing it all. People are either angel or monsters. Some are even scarier than monsters.

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3 years ago

Thank you. It's so hard for me to see myself as a victim. I'm usually not a person who let's life happen to her. I guess that determination, though, had made it even more difficult to grieve.

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3 years ago

Its sad tht the victim blames herself for something she does not deserve. My heart goes out to you. I hope everything will be well.

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3 years ago

It has to be. It can't get worse. can it?

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3 years ago

It would be better now. When you reached the bottom, there is no more to dig deeper into. I believe you've overcome the worst and only good things will be coming from now on. ❤️👌

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3 years ago

I am shattered to hear all these things you survived through all your life,even you prayed for your death which we only ask when we are hopeless and now the condition of your son is really painful for you.I can understand your pain being a mother and I pray you get relief from all these happening. I am glad your husband is supporting.

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3 years ago

Her is very supportive. He and I have known each other almost our entire lives (since age 14).

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3 years ago

Thats why you both shared a strongest bond.

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3 years ago

Comparison it's the thief of Joy and longer life...

$ 0.03
3 years ago

You are a strong woman ma'am. You keep holding on even in the harshest moment. I don't think it is cowardly or anything negative. Living in a turtle shell is sometimes good that we can defend ourselves from the things that can hurt us. We all want to live a happy life, one without any stress and problems, so we tend to keep hiding from the predators. I wish the best for you and your son moving forward.

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3 years ago

Thanks.

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3 years ago

It has been a tough road to be sure, as I have surmised. Still, I think it seems to me that you are coping. You are dealing. You are slowly moving yourself away from the horror and the fear and the trauma and trying very hard to forge a new path. It's never easy. But it is also healthier to do that than simply live in the past only.

Turtling, escaping...doesn't matter what you call it. As a kid I do know I lived in a world of fantasy and make believe, and mostly kept to myself. In part I think it was because I liked the world I made up better than the reality, even though I did not suffer the trauma you did.

It is sometimes troubling to read your words, but not because I do not like the words. They are very well written, and the style and context is something I am familiar with and like.

I'm a horror writer and reader.

The reason your words are sometimes troubling to read is because they are true. They are from a reality. It makes the words come alive in a very different way. There's a real person who has faced real horrors behind every connected sentence.

Troubling though the words may be, I also think your writing them down is probably the best form of therapy there can be. When you have things buried inside and can let them go, it can be a very relieving feeling.

You write them, and when you are done, you can step away from the screen and breathe again. And when you can breathe...

You live.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

You sound a bit like Willie Nelson...

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3 years ago

I am not going on that road again. lol

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3 years ago

You are safe, you are good, you are protected and you are loved, and you are strong, God has your back ❤

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3 years ago

I don't know how you did it but you've been so brave and you can do it again. Your past could no longer touch you but I know it could still hurt because I feel the pain from my past as well. Let go of what's no longer serving your highest good. It won't be easy but you have already started it and you're doing good. I wish things will get better with your son. Sending love and light to both of you.

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3 years ago

Thanks. I hope to hear from him by Sunday, but maybe not...

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3 years ago

Let's see how it goes :)

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3 years ago

Oh my this made me realize I am turtling sometimes. I go out when it's safe and when it's not, I go inside my shell.

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3 years ago

I think it is human as well as turtle nature.

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3 years ago

You've been through a lot....i love how much better you're getting with the support from your partner and the community. I was literally trying to understand the tittle but i do now. Your past shouldn't define you anymore

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3 years ago

It hasn't defined me because I've pretended it wasn't what it was.

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3 years ago

You're beautiful :)

This is deep, but the good thing is you are aware of what you are dealing with... You being aware means you are hopeful for better days, and yes, believe that you are safe and okay. And you have a rock by your side to whom you can lean on... I hope you do feel a lot better...

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3 years ago

I know I will get back to ok. There's still laughter and joy in my days.

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3 years ago

Good to know, and I hope you will, soon :)

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3 years ago

Ah. Sorry. I hope that wasn't too clock bait-y

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3 years ago

Oh, I was very excited to see when you have Turtle in your title so I thought if you have photos. I am a turtle myself, like very slow. Well, I actually just published a new blog about chasing a sea turtle while swimming the same time I got your update. Hehe!

https://read.cash/@itravelRox/freediving-at-26-weeks-in-moalboal-4bdc8546

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3 years ago