The Day I Used That Knife

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2 months ago

Trigger warning: this article you are about to read explores the theme of suicide, self-harm or self-infliction. Reader discretion is advised.

If you are an old user like me in this platform, you probably or remember the story behind "March 16th". But if you're a new user, either way, you probably have an idea already why because of that trigger warning and the title itself.

March 16, 2019.

This date, is something I'll always remember for the rest of my life. It's something I'll always regret with but at the same time be grateful for lifetime. While writing this, I am here lying on the bed with Sunny (my dog) beside me reminiscing those moments that are still so vivid to me.

I can clearly remember everything at that time. From its setting, to how the weather was, to who I am with, to how I made that action step by step, and to how sorry I felt for myself and to my parents.

If you have been following me here and on noise, I am a member of a two-member band where I sing and play the keyboards too. If you look closely to my right hand, you might notice something not normal. A deformed hand to be exact.

That is a consequence of the action I made on that day. I got depressed for several reasons. I was going through a series of existential crisis. Everything doesn't make sense to me. The thing is, I don't really share my thoughts to someone and that makes me vulnerable of getting depression.

When I try to open up and vent out what I truly feel, I'm concern of how the other person reacts or how they will carry that burden from me. I don't want that to happen so I kept the negativities in me.

From there, I got drowned and defeated by the demons and monsters reigning inside me. It was so tough to battle each of them that the only way to end my suffering is to harm myself. To tell you the truth, it was not just harming myself. My intention that time was to really end it.

But it turns out that God, and/or the universe did not allow that to happen because I'm able to write this article now.

4 years has passed ...

It's the same day, the same house, the same location, the same knife that I used but not the same person anymore who faced those demons before. If I am being honest, I am going through an existential crisis again but I'm proud to say that I have matured in dealing such situations, and that I realized that most of the time, it is only a state of mind. I am much stronger and wiser now.

I may not be able to turn back the time, but what life has in store for me is the future that I'm excited to figure out. I'm still not getting the picture but hopefully, over time, I'll finally get the answer I have longing for.


Depression knows no face. One could be smiling but is hurting deep inside. We all have different levels of pain tolerance so it is never right to judge someone who gets sensitive with a specific remark or situation. You only know one page from a thousand. You don't know the whole story and words are mightier than a sword. It kills many people. Let's be kind to each other.

To make things clear, it was not an issue of bullying or something. It was solely about a battle with myself dealing all of the negativities and vulnerabilities. It is important that you have someone you can trust and feel safe with. That way, it'll ease the weight and empty the bottle full of negative emotions.


Thanks for reading.

Keep safe everyone!

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2 months ago

Comments

This story of yours just found out in this article. I'm not sure if na over read or overlooked ko lng before when you shared it before but it sad to know na may ganun kang past but happy naman ako na mas stronger kna now. Hoping na mas maconquer ng positivity and ng Faith mo yung ganun bagay coz I know that's really hard na solohin mga negativities but laban lng. If you can't find someone to lean on when you're in the middle of self crisis (tama ba?πŸ˜…) Just weite it here sa read. Cash or somewhere. That will surely make you feel better πŸ˜‰ or talk to Him. I know you're doing that make it a habit. Naging guidance counselor na ko dayπŸ˜… haha. Fighting! πŸ˜‰

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2 months ago

Hehe. Salamat sa free counseling madam 🀭 but really, writing has been an effective avenue talaga for me to express everything. It puts out the weight somehow eh.

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2 months ago

Kaya continue mo lang😁 madami kami magbabasa para gumaan gaan feeling mo lalo 😁

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2 months ago

This is why I always listen to anyone who's trying to vent out their emotions. Anytime, I am willing to listen, kaya dami kong friends na nagsasabi na I am really just one call away - kahit through phone or what. Mas maganda talagang meron tayong nasasabihan ng problema natin, or better if we can handle it well. :) Good for you ate. I know you've become stronger now.

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2 months ago

Hindi mo ba na-aabsorb ang negative energy coming from them Cherry? Ako kase, I choose not to open up kase I don't wanna be a burden to them. Naco-consume din kase ng other party ang emotion eh. Or it's just me.

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2 months ago

Hindi ate. As for me, I set boundaries din kasi. If ever na may magsabi ng problema sa akin, I take it in a way na ang ibalik ay words na magpapatatag sa kanila. Hindi kasi ako yung tipo na "i will cry with you" kind of listener. Ako yung magpopoint-out why you shouldn't shed a tear hehe.

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2 months ago

Naks naman. That's great. Gusto ko pangaralan mo ko. Haha

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2 months ago

I hope you are in your easy days now. Keep your mindset in positive direction and you will surely groom

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2 months ago

Better days ahead πŸ™

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2 months ago

Ang hirap tlga yng wala kang mapaglabasan ng nsa damdamin at isip mo, ung tipong takot ka ar self pity na...

Pero atleast ngaun ok ka na madam masaya at tlgang pinatunayan mo na deserve mo pang mabuhay

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2 months ago

Self-pity talaga yung main kalaban ko madam. Sobrang down ko nong time na yon. Buti nlng nagka 2nd chance pako β™₯️

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2 months ago

Ndi mo pa talaga oras madam, ing kapatid ko dati nagbigti naman madam pero naputol ung tali, pero.makikita mo na andun na ung hirap nya kasi namumula na ung mata nya gawa yta ng dugo them nag-ube na ung leeg nya, tahimik na taomlngbdin kasinung kapatid ko na un

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2 months ago

Kmusta sya madam? Naka survive ba sya?

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2 months ago

Yap madam, ok naman sya, pasaway kaya todo intindi kami kasi nga bka ulitin nya uli un

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2 months ago

Babae ba madam or lalaki?

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2 months ago

Boy madam, third sa kabunsuan

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2 months ago

Naalala ko Yung article mo before Madam

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User's avatar Yen
2 months ago

Yes madam. Matagal tagal narin. Crazy how fast time goes by.

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2 months ago

There was a time I found myself deep in thoughts about this topic, it felt like I had no purpose anymore, and everything seemed to frustrate me, so I can relate to the topic, but the one good thing about hitting rocks bottom is that the only way to go is upward.

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2 months ago

This is so true but you will only realize that later. If you're in that zone where everything is dark, it's tough to see your way out. However, I'm glad and proud of you for not giving up. Let's keep fighting :)

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2 months ago

Been before and it is seriously that you can't joke for it. Anyway, prayers will do sis. And cast your burdens upon him and His the one who will give you rest.

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2 months ago

Amen. Thank you sissy β™₯️

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2 months ago

Your most welcome sis🧑

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2 months ago

Huhu, ramdam na ramdam kita Ate πŸ˜”There are a lot of things that bothers me so hard lately, and I am emotionally and mentally drained right now. but life must go on Ate, kailangan nating maging malakas no matter what, not just for ourselves but the people that loves and believes on us. Kaya laban lang tayo ate πŸ˜”πŸ₯Ή But,thank you ate for not making that mistake. You should always remember that is not always a great solution for a problem. Let's pray hard, and talk to God. πŸ₯°

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2 months ago

It was really tough Lynn, pero if it wasn't for that experience, I wouldn't be who I am today rin. It made me who I am today. I mean, I'm not thankful it happened to me. The regret haunts me everyday nga eh everytime I see my hand, I have to accept it and be grateful that I'm still alive. Let's keep thriving Lynn. Dasig lang :)

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2 months ago

Saaaadddd! But I'm glad you're a better person now, a braver version of yourself. Been there and almost done that pud and its a shame madam pero this is reality. Nowadays, we have to be stronger for ourselves and others. The fact that you have to narrate it again with a new perspective in life now is amazing! Hugs**

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2 months ago

It took me a lot of courage to share it madam, samot na atong first time kay in detail gyud to. Kahilak tawon ko pero karon, okay na kaayo. Nakalingkawas ragyud tawon. Hehe. Nice to see you again madam β™₯️

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2 months ago

Most times people get depressed not because they want to but because of the challenges around them. It's okay to be sad but being depressed is something you should be watchful. Always talk to people around you.

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2 months ago

Thanks for the advice. All the best!

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2 months ago

depression isn't a joke, sadly it's hard to distinguish those people who's suffering from it, they have no power to talk about it due to fear of judgement, sometimes people can't handle it that's why they commit an act that can end their life, sometimes I'm at that moment but I always think the consequences, yes, I will be freed from the problems but does it solve the problem? it only brings burden to loved once.

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2 months ago

Too bad, I don't have that kind of maturity at that time but at least, I have learned my lesson from that experience and it taught me so well β™₯️

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2 months ago

Depression is no joke. I am glad you overcome it sis. Ako sis sa kadghan sa kasakit nga akong naagian never jud nako nahuna2an nga mag suicide. Akong best friend si God siya akong always ka istorya if naa koy probs. Ako always esulti sa akong Bana nga otro pud nga suicidal, simple ug gamay nga probs hikugan, layo ra kaayo sa tanan nakong naagian before nga mostly makaingon jud ug giunsa nako pag Kaya ang tanan.

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2 months ago

When you look back to those moments, ma amazed ka ba how the hell we survived that one. From there, that makes us proud of surviving all throughout. 😁

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2 months ago

Life is like that, full of emotional grinding. In the end, the positivity of life wins.

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2 months ago

Right, but finding the choice to live is a tough one as well if you're bombarded with everything.

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2 months ago

I am glad that na overcome mo, that makes you a very strong person. Ganyan din iniisip ko noon na if you share what you think and what you feel, they will judge you or sabihin lang 'think positive' pero mahirap gawin when you don't have a will to do so. No one will understand and they can never put their shoes in your place. People close to you might hear you but not actually listen or understand. Finding a 'will' to live and survive is hard to find kapag hindi genuine yung nararamdaman mo. Hindi man proper yung terms ko and I hope I don't offend anyone. Hindi ko lang maisip yung better words to use hihi.

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2 months ago

That makes sense to me naman madam. Hihi. I was so full of negative emotions lang talaga at that time and I didn't choose to speak up. Finding the right people surely helps but sometimes I think, they consume that negative energy from me kaya I choose not to nlng. πŸ₯΄

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2 months ago