The Day I Used That Knife
Trigger warning: this article you are about to read explores the theme of suicide, self-harm or self-infliction. Reader discretion is advised.
If you are an old user like me in this platform, you probably or remember the story behind "March 16th". But if you're a new user, either way, you probably have an idea already why because of that trigger warning and the title itself.
March 16, 2019.
This date, is something I'll always remember for the rest of my life. It's something I'll always regret with but at the same time be grateful for lifetime. While writing this, I am here lying on the bed with Sunny (my dog) beside me reminiscing those moments that are still so vivid to me.
I can clearly remember everything at that time. From its setting, to how the weather was, to who I am with, to how I made that action step by step, and to how sorry I felt for myself and to my parents.
If you have been following me here and on noise, I am a member of a two-member band where I sing and play the keyboards too. If you look closely to my right hand, you might notice something not normal. A deformed hand to be exact.
That is a consequence of the action I made on that day. I got depressed for several reasons. I was going through a series of existential crisis. Everything doesn't make sense to me. The thing is, I don't really share my thoughts to someone and that makes me vulnerable of getting depression.
When I try to open up and vent out what I truly feel, I'm concern of how the other person reacts or how they will carry that burden from me. I don't want that to happen so I kept the negativities in me.
From there, I got drowned and defeated by the demons and monsters reigning inside me. It was so tough to battle each of them that the only way to end my suffering is to harm myself. To tell you the truth, it was not just harming myself. My intention that time was to really end it.
But it turns out that God, and/or the universe did not allow that to happen because I'm able to write this article now.
4 years has passed ...
It's the same day, the same house, the same location, the same knife that I used but not the same person anymore who faced those demons before. If I am being honest, I am going through an existential crisis again but I'm proud to say that I have matured in dealing such situations, and that I realized that most of the time, it is only a state of mind. I am much stronger and wiser now.
I may not be able to turn back the time, but what life has in store for me is the future that I'm excited to figure out. I'm still not getting the picture but hopefully, over time, I'll finally get the answer I have longing for.
Depression knows no face. One could be smiling but is hurting deep inside. We all have different levels of pain tolerance so it is never right to judge someone who gets sensitive with a specific remark or situation. You only know one page from a thousand. You don't know the whole story and words are mightier than a sword. It kills many people. Let's be kind to each other.
To make things clear, it was not an issue of bullying or something. It was solely about a battle with myself dealing all of the negativities and vulnerabilities. It is important that you have someone you can trust and feel safe with. That way, it'll ease the weight and empty the bottle full of negative emotions.
Thanks for reading.
Keep safe everyone!
This story of yours just found out in this article. I'm not sure if na over read or overlooked ko lng before when you shared it before but it sad to know na may ganun kang past but happy naman ako na mas stronger kna now. Hoping na mas maconquer ng positivity and ng Faith mo yung ganun bagay coz I know that's really hard na solohin mga negativities but laban lng. If you can't find someone to lean on when you're in the middle of self crisis (tama ba?😅) Just weite it here sa read. Cash or somewhere. That will surely make you feel better 😉 or talk to Him. I know you're doing that make it a habit. Naging guidance counselor na ko day😅 haha. Fighting! 😉