It's been days since I have been struggling what to write about here in the platform. I mean, what's new. That's a no brainer. It's rare for me to have those moments where my brain is at its peak of giving out powerful thoughts and ideas to such situations.
Then I finally got an idea of roasting and evaluating myself through listing the bad habits or behaviors that I can't get rid of:
I'm telling you, most of these things I'll be listing about are greatly influenced by my introversion. One of my pet peeves would be about handling unannounced phone calls. It's giving me to the highest level of anxiety.
I mean, if it's a call that I should expect on that day like a parcel or food delivery, I'm good with that but if it's something unpredictable than that, I'd just let my phone ring until it stops unless the caller texts me and introduce themselves explaining why is it a need for them to call.
More importantly, I don’t like agreeing to plans too far in advance because I don’t know how I’ll feel on the day and I also don’t like same day plans because it’s too short notice.
So yeah, that explains why I'm a caveman.
This is one of the most toxic behavior I have. I just disappear without notice. I actually don't follow patterns of events or basis from a specific situation but if I feel like I'm not in the mood to reply on your texts or chats, I wouldn't.
I think this is a disorder. I tend to leave people hanging leaving them unanswered questions of why I did that. How great of an emotional torture it would be to doubt and question themselves why I would have to do that.
But on my defense, there must a huge factor of why it leads me to do that way but again, everyone deserves explanation.
I believe that I'm most conversational and effective when it's through chat or text. As much as I want to, we should only communicate through these forms. However, some people dislike chatting because they wanna talk and they're lazy typing.
I totally understand them but coming from my perspective, I wanna stay composed by organizing my thoughts first before sending. I don't wanna be caught off-guard and leave myself blank when a situation arises.
I even enjoy more the company of a stranger rather than someone who personally knows me because a stranger doesn't have a background on my profile so there will be no initial judgments towards me. It's a clean slate.
However, by that time that we get closer, I tend to become cold and push them away. It's as if I just enjoy their company for a period of time and when I feel like I'm over it, I activate my cold, not interested anymore behavior to that person and look for another and start my act again.
Oh God, just typing this makes me realize how bad of a person I am :( I don't know, it's just a bad habit that I can't get rid of.
If you're someone close to me, like a person whom I am very comfortable with and I encounter circumstances with them undesirable for me, I tend to get angry initially. I'm irritable, I get annoyed with small details like whispering, clicker pens, people who misspells my name, and anything that I can't think of as of this moment.
There must be a specific reason why I'm so irritated with how things are going with my life right now. Maybe this is frustration? I guess it is, totally. I'm frustrated with everything that is happening right now. It seems like I'm caged in a dark room with no way out.
Wanna know to what extent I handled my insecurities to people?
Years ago when I was no longer working, I have plenty of time to roam around my social media accounts and the more I spend time to get into them, the worse my insecurities are piling up.
And so what I did, I just actually did this recently, I muted everyone's stories on Facebook messenger so I won't get a chance to see how their lives are doing. I'm not really concern of seeing them on Facebook because I don't really open it.
But yeah, it's my way of saving myself from the insecurities. It is to get away from their life updates, and just to settle the "I had no idea" behavior to help me keep going through the day.
Yeah right, these habits and behaviors are ugly. I admit that. I am actually well-aware. Listing them out confirms that I'm well-aware but I don't know, I can't get rid of them all.
Or maybe this is just another episode of saying "you're only giving out lame reasons."
There are still a lot on my list though but I'll settle on that for now.
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Thanks for reading.
Keep safe everyone!