Oh, How I Hated Him That Day!

Disclaimer: this article contains sensitive content about self-infliction. Reader's discretion is advised.

Like I mentioned in one of my previous posts, my friendship with my music partner isn't only about happiness. We shared a couple of misunderstandings and in this article, let’s talk about that day when I hated and disliked him.

As we continue doing our everyday practices, we talked about anything under the sun. Any topic you can think of, that's how open Gifter is. There are times when he would rant about how religion is wrongly packaged my most churches, and that homosexuality couldn’t be a choice. He's really open to express his thoughts.

However, there was a time when he crossed the line.

If you’ve watched some my instrumental videos that I posted here, you would have noticed that my right hand is slightly disfigured. The truth is, I went through an episode of self-harm some time 3 years ago. Read about it here.

That moment when I tried to put an end to my existence is one of the most tragic events of my life, yet Gifter made a joke about it. It started with him saying that if we do become famous musicians someday, we would get a handful of bashers.

I agree with that, but the thing is he mentioned it this way:

“If I’d get a hundred thousand bashers, the solution would be simple… I’ll just slice my wrist like you did!”

He even laughed while saying that, and even mimicked a slicing action of his wrist, right in front of me. I was stunned seeing him like that. I can't believe he did that to me.

He apologized, but old emotional wounds were reopened.

I knew that it was just some random moments for him. But to me, it meant different. It was heavy. The fun conversation turned out to be an awkward situation where silence prevailed. He realized his mistake right away because my expression and reaction were very transparent when he joked about the slashing of the wrist.

I saw how sorry he was when he apologized but at that moment, my emotions took over and I felt so bad and insecure. Insecure because I doubted myself again. It triggered me to think about my worth as a person, of why I did that, of why I felt so little and lost.

It triggered the devil sleeping inside me to tease me with harming myself again because I'm worthless. I'm shameful of where I am, I pitied myself, and how my present status is compared to others. Gifter, the person who I thought was my new best friend, the person I’m building a dream with turned out to be a very insensitive and cruel human being.

Realizations occur to empower and teach you.

I began to doubt myself if maybe I'm just being so oversensitive. But, aren't we allowed to get hurt too? I mean, I get that I should practice myself from dealing with negativity in the future but setting aside what I truly feel is such a heavy feeling.

I convinced myself that yeah, he was just joking. I tried to shrug it off but I have to listen to what my heart is telling me too. I felt hurt, and I was offended. I sent a long message to him through chat because I had to express it. It's hard to keep these emotions on my own.

I told him about how he should be careful with the words he'll say against people. Most especially the very sensitive ones. As much as possible, avoid making jokes to soft-hearted people because they'll overthink, can't sleep at night, and it'll give them anxiety.

But as I thought deeply about what we’ve been through, I asked myself some questions:

• Is Gifter more harsh than kind?

• Does he take more than he gives?

• Is he more of a villain, or a hero?

Immediately, I knew the answer to those questions.

Weighing it all down.

I was really disappointed of what he did. To be honest, it left a scar on my memory and in my heart and I'm the type of person who never forgets something that made a huge impact to my well-being. It's not about holding a grudge though, it's just that I can't easily shrug it off. I'm always open to forgiveness but forgetting what they did, I cannot guarantee that.

The next day, he brought a pizza as his peace offering. Still a bit angry with himself for what he did, he told me.

“I truly love you, like my own little sister. I hope I can still do something to fix this mistake I made.” He hugged me gently, and though I can’t see his face, I can sense his eyes are about to shed.

For the next minutes after that, we wrote down the specific details of our upcoming music video. I had to be professional. I should separate my emotions from what needs to be done. I felt awkward at first but everything went well eventually.

Gifter might not be perfect, but he’s a great buddy to hang out with. He’s still the best pal I’ve ever had in these past few years. Oh, how I hated him that day, but as we both show our deep commitment to our musical endeavor each day, I can say we greatly love each other as non-biological siblings.

Thanks for reading!

Keep safe everyone.