March 16, 2019: A Moment to Remember (Forever)

So I decided to write something personal as this day reminds me of an important date to reminisce.

I'm taking one step forward to open up and free myself from my doubts and regrets.

2 years have passed. 2 years of new beginnings.

For someone out there, it's just an ordinary day to pass by. However, this date is something worth remembering. I made a life-changing situation for myself, for my family, and for the people who care about me. Yes, it was me who went out of focus, who lost herself, and got stuck in the dark.

I let myself be controlled by my dark thoughts as I was going through rough times. I became a prisoner of my own thoughts and I let it consumed me.

I would say, it is my constant nightmare and my redemption at the same time.

If you are a constant viewer of my uploads, or just recently visited my channel, you would notice how unusual my right hand looks and moves compared to my left hand.

Well, it's the consequence of a self-infliction.

It hit me hard. I had to undergo an operation to repair my hand and get it back to normal but I lost a vein because of how deep the cut was. However, I'm still overly grateful to have this attached and still functioning to its extent.

What was going through my mind before doing it?

Nothing, but hatred. Hatred to myself. Hatred to God. A voice is forcing me to do it. I was aware that it was a force coming from an evil creature but I was overpowered by the emotions I felt during that time.

Hatred to myself.

I blamed myself for not being good enough. For not being as successful as others, to be worthless, and to be pathetic. As I was seeing the people around me reaching their dreams, I was left staring at them below hopelessly and helplessly.

However, please don't take this reason out to my family, I have extreme family support. It was me who felt alone, who didn't reach out for help.

It's crazy to realize that just when you thought you can handle it by yourself but it's you who will also put yourself in harm otherwise.

Hatred to God?

Yes, I hated God for not granting my prayers. How selfish, right? I like to plan ahead of time and set my goals straight ahead. But when everything seems to be out of my control, I lose patience. Then, I expected something back from him when there's a lot worth being grateful for.

It took me a while to recover physically, mentally, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I remember just exactly a year passed when it happened, I sobbed. It was mixed emotions. I was feeling anxious but feeling blessed at the same time. The moments were still crystal clear on my mind.

2 years have passed. Looking back from that experience, I realized how selfish I was to not think of my family and the people who truly care for me.

And for you who just reached this point of reading, please know that the problems you are facing right now are just TEMPORARY. Don't get stuck. Reach out to someone reliable who you feel safe with. Please don't ever think that you will waste your life from it.

There's so much more life can offer than feeling stuck and seeking validation for who you are. You are you, you are valid.

Also, don't treat your life like you are in a race. Just take things slowly and settle at your own pace. We are here to enjoy life and we should not entertain negativities.

In fact, I'm still getting emotional here every time I think about how I've been through but I'm good. I'm all good. I learned my lesson. I learned to appreciate myself and consider the things I'm good at.

How did I find myself playing the piano?

When I was in a session with a psychologist, she suggested me to find myself a hobby so I wouldn't feel anxious all the time. She mentioned learning the piano or an instrument in general, and do sports. Although months before that, when I accompanied my grandparents for a medical check-up, I saw someone in the hospital playing the piano and I was inspired by him.

He played the piano gracefully and the people around the vicinity were entertained and were singing with him too. I was pretty sure that the people enjoyed it. Somehow, it lessened their anxiety while waiting for their turns to face the reality.

And so, I started to look for a virtual piano. I was very hopeful along the way. I started using a virtual piano, a toy keyboard, and then now an affordable mediocre keyboard that could somehow deliver a fair sound when played, and in the future, getting myself a grand piano for a total performance.

So I guess it's safe to say that I have found my purpose and my passion. It sounds too self-centered but I believe that we should build ourselves first before we contribute and leave a lesson to others right?

God gave me a second chance to live a purposeful life. I believe I'm starting to see a future of myself in media and music. I claim that this would be my humble beginnings.

If you are curious about my hand, check my channel and see it for yourself:

https://youtube.com/channel/UCb71HsAjb04K74_R8C5Kxiw

Thanks for reading! Keep safe everyone! ❤