Is There Something Wrong With Me?

As they say, things don't always go according to our plans. As much as we want things to happen, certain situations go beyond our control.

Growing up, I noticed something about myself. It got me thinking, is this normal? Is there something wrong with me?

There are habits that I noticed to myself that made me evaluate if this is still normal.

When I was a kid, I used to count my statements through my hands and it should fall to 10 syllables. Weird right? I don't know, it became my habit to count the words through my hands. And if it doesn't count to 10, I'll rephrase my statement to make it right. (Like these words, it should end up to 10 words). But I only count it through my mind. Like I'm talking to myself and my other self would tell me that I'm wrong and I should revise my sentence. Yeah, it's weird.

I have this behavior whenever I'm anxious, or I found myself nothing else to do. I noticed this happens a lot when I was in grade school and it triggers when someone says something bad about me and I digest it on my own. In fact, I found it therapeutic for me, the counting system I made. I didn't even know it became a daily basis. It was hard.

Now that I have matured, it doesn't happen to me anymore that often. It still happens but rarely.

When I was in high school, part of my study habit is to outline my notebook and book in a separate paper. Like just writing the keywords. That way, I find it much easier to memorize the necessary details for the topics. Also, my study notes should be printed. Otherwise, I can't study well. Studying wouldn't be effective for me.

If I commit a mistake while writing, I scratch it off and go back to the start. I don't like reading my notes with erasures.

I guess others can relate to this. There's something about tangible things (printed documents) that make it easier to retain important details rather than just staring at the screens of your phones and computers.

For example, when the exam has started and you read the question, you begin to recall that familiar keyword written in your notes (page 3, paragraph 5, lower right corner, highlighted with a yellow marker). That worst. 😅

Since the pandemic started, I'm the oldest, next to my grandma, in the house. That being said, I'm in charge to buy groceries and stuffs essential to the house.

I don't know if you can call it Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) but I usually buy things in pair. Mostly in toiletries. Toothpastes, toothbrushes, sanitary napkins, bathroom tissues, shampoos, soap, everything.

I do buy in pairs not because it's on sale or anything but it concerns me that when the time comes that I almost run out of supply, I wouldn't have to be that worried because I have something reserved to replace it.

I like following schedules and plan things ahead of time. I usually put reminders on a specific date to keep me on track about the activities. Now that I'm just staying in the house, my mind is always active to think about things to do when in fact there's nothing much to do. 🤷‍♀️

My mind is too active that my body can't cope up. Is this something to do with introversion?

I wrote an article about my trip to Davao to attend a Christening and the good thing is that my friend informed me a month ahead before the date. And so, it didn't become a huge issue for me to attend or not because I was given enough time to contemplate and weigh things on what to do or what not to do.

I overthink. I'm concern about every little detail. If something goes beyond my expectation, I easily lose focus and feel demotivated. That is also the reason why I'm very cautious to say something especially when talking to a person because he may be offended or maybe I'm just too emotional (Cancer lives within me)

Going back to the schedules, I plan it ahead of time. If something unexpected happens and interferes with it, I get distracted and I'll end up doing nothing all day. Even if I force myself to recover and get back on track, my mind wouldn't cooperate.

Then, my thoughts would eat up my system telling me that I'm not productive, I'm no good. After contemplating, it would stress me out I should compensate, double-time, and adjust my schedules the next day so I can make it up to the things I fell behind.

Even with charging my phone, I always see to it as much as possible that I charge it the same time I charged it yesterday so I can follow my routine in activities online. If I fail to do it, then it will stress me out to the bones.

Imagine how busy my mind is every day to deal with all these thoughts? It's just tiring.

If you are an 8 to 10 months old user here like me, then you should probably know my story.

That time, I let my thoughts overrule me. My body couldn't keep up with the intense activities going through my mind.

How am I today?

I would say that I have improved a lot. If before I was too concern about other's status (careers) and compare myself to them, I don't do that anymore. That gave me inner peace. I deserved that.

With schedules, I still do that. I think this habit will forever stay in me. I still get stressed whenever I fall behind schedules but at least I learned to tell myself to "take it easy" and acknowledge that not everything goes with my plans.

In fact, I am way too behind about my piano covers. I have tons of songs written on queue in my notes and it stresses me out to do all of it. If you're one of those who requested a song, forgive me for being such a turtle. The progress is too slow because I'm juggling household duties, writing and making noise, and practicing the keyboard every day. 😅

Although it's safe to say that this is good stress for me because I'm stressing out over my passion and it's not something I don't want to do. There's a huge difference between the two.

So, are these things normal? Or are these just associated with introversion? I would appreciate hearing your thoughts about this.

Thanks for reading!

Keep safe everyone ❤