Pathetic Life

He knew I came from an abusive relationship. He knew all my struggles. He knew every detail. He knew how fragile I was when he met me. He knew my soul has been scattered.

He offered me love, care, and protection. He offered to pick up the pieces and bring light back to my soul. He offered to color my world.

He was fine. He was slowly picking up the pieces. He showed me love, care, and protected me from any emotional break downs. He made me feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world because of how he was treating me. He was so sweet. So understanding.

Years passed and we didn't have major problems. Relationships are never perfect. We still have misunderstanding sometimes But we never had a real serious problem.

Until one day, we had a huge fight. The first time he hurt me physically and the first time he was saying things I couldn't bear. I cried all night. He seemed to be at shock too with what he did. He came to me and asked for an apology. I felt the sincerity in his apology so I forgave him. Besides, it's just the first time and maybe, just maybe he didn't really mean those actions and words.

We went on with our lives like it never happened. We forgave each other and I tried to just forget what he did. It was what forgiving is, right?

The next huge fight we had, we came back to the scene like our first fight. And again, forgave him. But as the months passed, I noticed that whenever we fight it all just repeats. He became so toxic and I became so stressed. If not physically, he would attack me emotionally.

Now, he makes me feel like a prison. Like I should go by his rules and that I am being controlled. I can't sleep too much cause I need to take care of him. I can't sleep late cause he'd think I'm cheating. I can't argue cause he'll take it as me being boastful and ungrateful. I can't say thank you cause he'll use it to belittle me. And all the other things that I can't do. It all depends now on his current mood.

I need to move and speak depending on what his mood is. If I step up and fight for myself, he'll do or say something against it. He'll reverse the situation. He doesn't care if we both know the truth of the situation. He will feed my mind and make me feel guilty for answering back.

Even when he's guilty of something, he'll come up with something, not even related to his guilt, that's 'wrong' with me. He will get mad at me and tell me all the wrong things about myself one by one. The same goes for when he has a problem. He'll go and find a way to open up an argument with me. And when I fight back, I'm to blame for fighting back.

I cry almost every time. I cry cause I pity myself. I know I should get rid of him. And love me more than him. But I can't. I just can't. I don't even know why.

My life has been a misery. The life he promised me turned out to be the very opposite. My life went back to when I was with my past relationship. Maybe it's true what people say. Sometimes history repeats itself.

People may find me pathetic when they hear my story. I do too, to be honest. This isn't the life I wanted. I know I should do something. That I should choose what's good in me. I know. I know what to do. The question is, can I do it? Am I capable of taking the risk?

I still believe he loves me despite everything. I still feel it somehow. Or maybe I am blind. Maybe I'm just really pathetic.

👾✴F I C T I O N S T O R Y✴👾

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