Have you experienced to smile, but it was just a fake smile? To be happy in front of everyone but deep inside your bleeding. Have you also experienced to be tough and brave but deeply your horribly afraid and the truth is you really felt nervous? And, to laugh loudly in front of everyone as if your totally fine but your not.
Well, I experienced all of this things. To be happy but the truth is I'm not really happy. To gave a smile but that was just fake. To be able to laugh with friends but the truth is I'm hiding something painful. To make others laughed because of my corny jokes but the truth is when I'm alone I'm deeply in pain. These are one of the things that made me depressed. Suddenly, when I was in my 3rd year college there were such time that I can't able to endure it anymore and that leads to my painful breakdown which I wasn't in my state of being for the whole day as if I'm really crazy that whole day where I never expected to happen.
One of the factor that I must say affects me to be in pain that time is the fact that I've seen my parents fighting when I was just a kid like my elementary days until I grow up and enters college I still witnessed my parents were fighting. That means I grow up witnessing my parents fighting over and over again and that was really painful to me. There were even a time, I was already in my first year in college my father got drunk and what I thought that time is that they were not fought each other because my mother took care of my father. That is why I left them both in our house because I also find my siblings and let them go home that time. But, what shocked me the most is that, when I was on my way home already with my siblings we heard a loud shout from our home that is we run towards our home and that sees my father and mother fighting again. I was really angry that time, because they still never stops fighting knowing the fact that their kids were already grown up. That is why when my father left the house I followed him, I was shocked with his reaction when I called him because he closed his fist and tried to punch me. Why my father did that? Because when my father get drunk he does not know anymore whose that persons in front of him even me his daughter he doesn't know that I am his daughter and he just though I'm his enemy. So, that is why that time my father grabs my shirt and tried to pull me up. I already cried that time, and our neighbors already helped us and calmed my father. But that event, brought me to nervous breakdown. I was very pale that time and I can't able to breath properly and something like my mouth deformed and I can't say clearly and utter clearly words. It's something like a stroke. But, thankfully our neighbors helped me that time they massage me until I get okay and fine. My father that time, I really felt his regrets. He hugged me and asked forgiveness of what he did. Me, I was just crying that time because I don't know what to say and don't know what to react. But after this happening, I was very thankful because that was the last time that I've seen my parents fighting and also the last time that I've seen my father drank a lot of alcohols up until now. Maybe that was their realization part because if ever there were something worst happen to me probably they won't forgave there selves because they were the one brought me to that situation. But, I'm just so thankful because that happening really brought peace to my parents. They never fought each other after that and somehow my dream for them which is to to stop fighting especially in front of us their kids came true.
I just shares that experienced because I wanted to let all of you know why there were times that I hide my pain with a smile. That pain that I mean is the pain from the fact that I always witnessed my parents fighting in front of us. But when I go out with my friends, when I'm at school I laughed a lot and sometimes I throws jokes to them for them to laughed, but all of that is just my way of letting myself forgets the happenings in my home. My friend and classmates knows me when I'm with them they really sees me like a happy go lucky girl like don't have any pains inside. Right gurl @Zhyne06 and madam @fredyzza07 you both know me and I know you sees me like I don't have problems inside because I always laughed like there is no tomorrow. But guyses, the truth is that I'm really in pain that time but my problem is I'm not that courageous enough to shares to you what my pain is and I chose to just keep it in me. Which, somehow I must not the right thing to do. Because I should opened up my pains to my friend, my close friends for me to also breath from it. But since I'm a coward girl, I didn't. Even if I told them, it's not really the whole story at all, still I have that pain insides me. That is why, when I was in my third year in college I broke down for the whole day. As I've mentioned, I wasn't in my state of being. I talked nonsense like those crazy people who roams around the streets that has their own world. I became and experienced to be one of them for the one day, it was whole Saturday.
But, I already get over this kind of things. For now, I always said my pains to my partner and just thankful that he also willing to listened to my rants about my pain and comforted for me which somehow makes me feel comfortable.
For now, hiding pain with a smile.... is not really me at all. I'm already the other way around.
So, for those who have the same experienced as me. All I can say is that, it's really not good for us if we keep the pain that we felt inside because there were comes a time that we cannot endure it and will lead to the worst and terrible things that may happen to us. What if we cannot control anymore the pain and we will be totally depressed? What will happen to us? and What will happen to our dreams?
Therefore, let's not be shy and instead let's be brave to tell our painful stories that hides within us to someone that are willing to listen and to someone you felt your comfortable of telling your stories.
-Janz
Special mention to some users that are very generous to me: @Eunoia , @Eybyoung for always upvoting my articles. To @leejhen and @Jane di ko ma mention, but anyways thank you too for upvoting my comments. Godbless all of you.
Sounds a lot like my life. Everything here is relatable and I am sorry for what you have been through, sis. Sending you lots of love from afar. Good morning, Janz!