The Man I Have Wasted

March 6, 2021

Switching to a different mode of writing,
so take out your dictionary 🤣
This story happened after the painful 
breakup with my first love.

Start...

The wounded heart was still fresh and untreated, and I still found myself stuck in the painful past that should be dead and buried. Forcing to relinquish him from my mind was strenuous and would take a plethora of time just like how to conquer an arduous climb. It would be great if I will see a beautiful picturesque above, but the shadow of the past still lingers in my heart and was engraved deeply in my mind.

At that state of mind, jumping from the mountain's top to commit hara-kiri was the only thing I could think, to avoid falling into the hands of an indelible memory. If only I could efface the painful past, I wouldn't be stuck in the doomed place of yesterday. It was expected to be tough to heave myself from the aching past, but my body was hesitant to move forward on its own accord.

But one day a man stepped in, our sights collide but I cut my eyes as I heard the thump coming from the upper left quadrant of my body underneath my woven clothes. I was getting abnormal as the core of my system was still malfunctioning from the untreatable breakup. "Who's this man?" The question echoed in my mind.

A friend has told me that he was a newbie, and as I looked at him, he seemed to be as old as me. Even the production went silent for a moment, as he passed by with his hoodies on, eyes were down, and hands in his pockets. Walking straight to his cubicle with cool intensity, unawarely receiving furtively stares from the people in the prod. And only the onomatopoeia of the keyboards was heard inside the prolific room.

Days passed by and I found myself being part of a new circle of friends. Peers that helped me continue my life's journey. The once solitude space was filled with cheerful fellas throwing confetti in the air. The after-work routine was changed - bed-office-trips - a cycle that seemed to be like a circadian rhythm. Food trips and sing-along, road trips with laugh trips, diverting my weary feeling to a lively one. The heartbreak brought me to a new world with a new set of friends, indeed it was a blessing in disguise.

Months have passed, another set of friends onboarded on our noisy group. From four individuals it became seven, then nine. The more the merrier, but what seemed peculiar was the newbie in the group - the hoodie guy with his hands in his pockets. His closeness to our second set of friends brought him into our circle. He's smart with a face, that even our gay officemate was hooked by his smile. He was an unlicensed teacher seeking a different world, a different job, just like many others in our firm.

Days became months, from introvert to ambivert, from being alone to having company. Past painful memories were starting to fade, but the figure of the man who brought me in despair couldn't be washed in my mind and still tucked me in vain. Closeness with the hoodie guy was formed and he was showing some affection motive in his actions. Should I entertain him?

My mind agreed but my heart didn't. To make him a band-aid to patch my wounded heart would be the worst option. The days passed by and we were getting more closer. I treated him as a friend but he treated me differently. Afraid I was to fall into a black hole of pain again, so holding onto my words "not to fall in love again" was tightly executed.

To dump him with despair was tough to do because a feeling of admiration for his perseverance was starting to show. Each day with him I always asked myself, "will I be happy in this journey?" My mind told me that life is a river and I should keep going, and I should make it a wonderful journey. But something was like pulling the string of my past and was deterring me to move forward.

How can I move on if I am hesitant to take a step? I asked myself.

Go with the flow and see how far we both could go. The next day I woke up, I was in the field of courtship. The guy just pulled out his hoodie and showed his optimistic face. I just hopped in and take the ride, hoping to make the journey bright.

Wanna know how the courtship goes? That would be the next part.

If you have read the last series of my article To All The Boys I Love Before: Status In Relationship you know who I am referring to.

Sorry for making the words complicated, I feel like I want to write differently 😅 The power of synonyms 🤣

Lead image from https://www.pinterest.com/khantphyowin/couple-cartoon-photo/