Tangled or Exhausted?

October 4, 2022

It's Cheung Festival today, thus, my holiday as well. This gave me more time to rest and just slack in my bed. I was supposed to have a lot of time to make drafts, but for some reason, I felt exhausted, physically and mentally. I always wonder how long I could handle the overwhelming amount of work on my plate because even my days off were spent grinding.

I have a lot of topics in my mind that I wanted to write about today, that includes the travel blogs that I haven't posted yet, for both read.cash, and Hive.

This seemed to be the same dilemma why I seemed demotivated to write, tangled or exhausted?

It's easy to put thoughts into words if my body cooperates with it. But seems too tough when one wants to rest. I don't know what this month has, but it seems to be a month of self-reflection and contemplation. Each time I feel exhausted, a plethora of questions would run into my mind.

We recently had a mental health webinar on Hive Ph Community to check if we are still mentally healthy and to also know the hidden emotions kept by the members. That somehow helped me open up some feelings, albeit anonymously, on the padlet the speaker introduced to us.

One emotion that I have shared was, "I'm okay, but not okay." For those who attended the webinar and used the padlet, the author of that message isn't anonymous anymore.

Mentally, I'm always trying to become strong because if my mind gives up, then everything will, and I don't want it to happen. But physically, I know something is wrong. Yet again, if this one fails to work, all sacrifices and efforts will be useless.

The webinar assisted me in self-reflecting on whether I am truly doing things correctly or if I am simply pushing myself to do things that I thought were correct. Pursuing this healthy lifestyle is right. Yet, I can't deny that my body is too stubborn to break some protocols I'd set. Just because I want to grind more.

The holidays, for instance, should be spent resting. But when they arrive, most of the time is spent online grinding. Sometimes I just want to throw my phone so I couldn't touch it anymore, so there'll be no distraction. If only possible, I should have done that long ago.

I'm getting some rest, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I'm traveling and enjoying myself, yet, once I get back to reality, there seems to be a heavy feeling that is indescribable. And this once again would travel to my mind, and I would question myself if I am really okay, or just trying to be okay.

And this point, I paused and stared blankly at the wall. I asked myself, "What would happen if I give up these online side hustles? Will I be happy and contented?"

I can't imagine myself living without the things that make me productive, and happy, and things that I could be proud of myself. This has been part of my daily life, and taking it away would take time and endless mind deliberation. It's easy to pretend for time being.

There's an evident decrease in my online interaction. And this would decrease more. For the time being, I'll just enjoy the freedom of writing before gradually slipping away from these chains.

Now ask yourself, are you really okay? Don't mask your feelings.

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