If I Could Turn Back The Hands Of Time

May 19, 2022

If only I could turn back the hands of time, I want to go back to when I made wrong decisions and make them right. For instance, if I could go back to the time I got an airdrop from FORTH tokens, I would sell them to fiat so I could get more than two hundred fifty-thousand pesos. The same thing I would do if I could go back to the time when BCH reached its ATH, to at least recoup my investments. I should have had enough money to kick start a business in my country and not worry much about this unfavorable crypto market condition. 

But this isn't the main topic here. The Weekend Community on another platform recently had a writing prompt about time. One of the topics was "If you could stop time (and remain there) which year, moment, event or era would you choose, and why?" Unfortunately, I became a busy bee and forgot to write content for this challenge even though I already had a story in mind for this topic.

Luckily, another community posted a challenge that can be connected to the prompt mentioned above that I wanted to join.

October 6, 2015, when the most devastating event in my life happened. That was when my grandfather died. I was at work and felt depressed and sad upon knowing the sad news from my cousin. Sad because I wasn't able to see my grandfather before he passed away. Depressed by the fact that I was a caregiver taking care of other elderly, yet, I wasn't able to take care of my own sick grandfather, not even on his very last breath.

Prior to this event, a terrible event happened that almost took a life, my own life. On May 27, 2015, three days before our village fiesta, a commotion took place inside our home that provoked me to release my frustrations and grudge against my father as I saw him not acting like our father anymore, but like a monster or a boss that we need to obey, or else, a punishment will be imposed.

When I saw him hurting my mother, I didn't have a second thought to face him and that's the very first time I shouted at him and released all my hatred against him. I broke the ego and cut the ladder of pride of my wicked father who was once a soldier. He got mad and pointed his gun at me. At that time, I was ready to die in my own father's hands. Yet, I got scared for my family that would be left behind, especially my mother. I know my father can't kill me, but the gun scared me to death, so I ran and locked myself inside my room the whole day and night.

The next day, I eloped to the city and started my new life, alone. I looked for a job to support myself, but each day, I was still worried about my family back home. A lot of things happened when I was away from home, and that includes some realizations and changes that happened to my father, and he changed for good.

A few weeks before the death of my grandfather, he was admitted to the city hospital, and that was only the time I found out that he was actually sick. I felt guilty about the fact that I was a Caregiver, yet, I couldn't take care of my own sick grandfather as I needed to grind to make ends meet and live for my family. One time I visited him in the hospital, he looked sad and mad as he couldn't eat what he wanted since the physician advised him to do fasting because he needed to undergo some laboratory tests.

I didn't even stay longer due to the limited amount of time, nor bring something for him, fruits for instance. I never thought that it was the last time we would see each other. A few days before he passed away, he was discharged from the hospital, and I felt happy as I thought that he was getting fine, unfortunately, he wasn't. I never asked the real reason for why he has been discharged, the fact he wasn't even okay yet. My grandfather probably just waited to be back home and see his family again before he opted to cross the bridge of life.

One afternoon on October 6, 2015, after sending my patient to her afternoon nap, I rested for a moment then my phone beeped. Tears gradually fell on my face and my mouth trembled upon reading the message of my cousin, followed by my brother's. That was the saddest message I ever received in my life that took me a while before it sunk in my mind and absorbed everything.

And as a Caregiver, I needed not to show my real emotions in front of my patient, as it might trigger her anxiety or agitation, but I failed to keep it from her. When she woke up and learned the sad news from the maid, I was happy that she understood my situation, and allowed me to take a leave so I could go back to my hometown to attend my grandfather's wake.

After five months of being away from home, the death of my grandfather became the way for me and my father to reconcile. It was difficult for me to acknowledge this devastation as I felt guilty about the thought that I wasn't able to do my part as a granddaughter to my grandfather. Each time silence took over, negative thoughts would preoccupy the mind that made me regret a lot of things. And oftentimes, I would wish for the time to turn back its hands and bring me to the time when I had wrong decisions in life.

So if I could turn back the hands of time, I would want to go back to when my grandfather got sick and I'll be his Caregiver. I would apply every knowledge I learned just so he could be better which could probably help to extend his life. Ever since I graduated from college, my life revolved around my workplace and seldom visited my family at home. I never had quality time with my grandfather either, as I was always busy at work.

While recollecting my memories with him, it reminded me of when we were kids and our grandfather was still healthy. Oftentimes, he would call his grandchildren to help him pluck his white hairs. While doing so, he would tell funny stories to us and we just kept laughing. More funny memories of him were when he was drunk. He became a singer, a dancer, a joker, and a great storyteller, funny stories though. My grandmother on the other hand, never get mad while he was drunk, as it made the house alive with our grandfather's funny stories.

So each time we heard him saying weird and funny stuff, we would just say "hubog na liwat hi tatay," in our dialect, which means "grandfather is drunk again." And once he got tired of doing funny stuff, he would just lay down in the corner in a funny position with his mouth wide open and he would sleep. If we only have a camera during those times, we probably have a lot of funny photos of him.

If I could only stop the time and stay there, that would be when I was still a kid and has more quality time with my grandfather. I would stop the time so we could play and bond longer and create more happy memories with him that I could bring in the future.

It took me a while before I accepted his death and the fact that, I could no longer bring back my grandfather's life, nor turn back the hands of the time. The beautiful memories with him helped me cope with the depression I suffered from his death and continued being a Caregiver for other elderly.

Due to this event, I promised myself that, when the time comes that my old parents are already weak and sick, I will be their Caregiver until their very last breaths as I don't want to regret things anymore.

Writing this made me emotional, especially when reminiscing happy memories with my grandfather. But then things happen for a reason. The misunderstanding that happened between me and my father was the way for him to realize things and be a good father, not a boss. The death of my grandfather was probably meant to happen as he was already old and needed to rest in peace. Besides, he helped me reconcile with my father and it brought harmony back to our once shattered home.

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