Sensible life, we all want our life to have sense. We work hard to provide for ourselves and family. We try to save. We try to find additional income. It is hard to survive. It is hard to plan a goal because you know there is something that will ruin everything. You will feel upset, but you stand again. Something we go wrong again and you fight again, but this time you will wonder, why is this happening to me? Someone or something is challenging me. It is trying their best for me to stumble and fall. We do the best we can do and fight, still we are defeated, we surrender, we lose, we move on and accept. We will start again, the same thing happens. Even if we are driven, something from the force or maybe from the universe, will send us bullets, shot us from above and love to see us die....

I am writing this to help myself as I feel bad to what happened when I went home. As I was walking going home after my shift, I remember my dog Unnie. Her face flash within my eyes. I begin to wonder how she is because she had diarrhea early in the morning. I was trying to sleep but I failed because I was worried to what is happening on her. I lie in bed but kept on checking on her as she did not lie in our bed, but she's on the floor. She is not the regular her, she's irritated.

As I went home, my sister was screaming and she wants Unnie to be out of the house. I hurried up and throw my things. I was startled to see my mother crying holding our cat. My sister scolded me that she will kill Unnie for she killed the cat. The cat was bitten and my mother, with all her power, hurting Unnie with this big wood. Unnie saw me and jumped on me. She was so scared.

I put her out of the room and keep her company. I keep on talking to her while she was shaking. My mother saw us outside the room and she started beating us. I cover Unnie with my body and was stopping my mother in my right hand while holding Unnie on the left because she was scared. She want to jump. I able to stop my mother and she went inside. I can't blame her, our cats are very dear to us. It is hurting me too but I can't choose as I just want everyone to stop and calm down. I want to be in the middle, but I need to save Unnie too.

Maybe something happened that led Unnie to bite the cat. Unfortunately I was not there, because if I was there, it will not happen. I can stop Unnie from hurting the cats and Unnie will not hurt anyone if there is no food involve. I think the cat is trying to steal her food. I didn't ask what causes I just stand there, talk to Unnie and rest for a while. I had palpitations because I never expected to have a scene like that.

When everything calmed down, I became sad. I cried for the dead cat, she is very dear to me, I cried for Unnie because she was hurt. I cried because I am tired, I thought I will be lying in bed as soon as I get home. I'm tired because I want a sensible life but problems keep on jumping on my life.

After changing clothes, I expected that I am preparing my bed and sleep, but I went to wash the dishes and think. I was still crying. I had a not good memories last June and July, how could this continue with August. Months do not have to do with what is happening in our lives but we always remember what happens to us every month, especially the worst, that is why sometimes we call it our worst month. I cried. I remember all my problems. I remember the people that do not appreciate my effort. I remember all the wasted times. I'm always like this when something bad happens. I am not angry, I am just questioning. Why is that when you want to live a sensible life, yung matino at marangal, then problem get bigger and heavier? That is why it is required that you need to level up being strong because problems will not leave you, they are the constant in our life.

I either Win or Learn, I do not Lose

That is my saying. I either Win or Learn, I do not Lose. I do not Lose because I keep on fighting. I do not Lose because I keep on trying. I will get tired and demotivated but I will stand up for sure. Yet, I will still questioning life. That life needs a proper mind setting, a strong mind setting on how we can manage our response, physically, mentally and spiritually. Unfortunately I do not win, I only learn. I have my standard when it comes to winning and that is when I get it in one try. I try and tried and lot of times I tried but there is always getting in the way. I change plans because of it and start from scratch but still I learn. The results is not for me. I know I had little victories before but something will do everything to ruin it. It is a cycle. If you are weak, you will go insane. The challenge getting bigger and bigger. How can you keep up with that?

Still a heavy heart?

I know I am just tired. I just remember my problems before and the on going one. I have a big God that I talk every night. The problem is me. I thought I can handle it, but I know the time will always come to me that I will surrender it everything to God. I just want to try, because in trying you try to win, but I only learn. And sometimes I don't know what to do.

Trying times forever

That's life! While your breathing keep on trying. My problems are heavy and in general. We are all like this at one time in our life, it is normal. We know ourselves. We know our limits. We know our capacity. I am on my limit. I know I will have a good coffee after this post and will be okay. Okay to the point of I will let this one this time, going to try again the next time and it is a trying times forever.

I am thankful that I get back to blogging again because I don't want to talk to anyone as if the moment. I just want it out and be okay.