May 27, 2022

Hello my fellow writers in this wonderful platform, how are you doing?

Earlier this morning, I was in the road, journey to work, I received a message from sister from Facebook messenger. She was asking me if I am at work. Below is the message.

In translation, she is asking if I am at work and I answered I am on the road. Then the three dots appear beside her name, signalling that she was typing her next message.

It was a long 1 minute for me actually. While the dots are moving, while she was busy typing her message, I was over thinking. In my brain, I have lots of images form, like my sister was on a panic because maybe it is an emergency that she message as soon as I left the house. Then I thought, if there is an emergency, she will call me. I checked on my phone but there is no missed calls. I looked at my Facebook messenger and she was typing.

While overthinking, my body joined my brain. It is automatic that when I start overthinking, my body will have negative reaction. I am in the midst of feeling like vomiting and having an LBM. My stomach ache and the pain could be compared to having dysmenorrhea. The pain is intense, it was a sharp one. I was at the public utility jeep and I had lots of discomfort. I can't remove my face mask because I am in public but that time I can't breathe anymore. I am still looking at the message of my sister and she was still typing. I was about to call her, then a message drop down.

That is her message. In translation, she was just telling me that my mother needs my authorization letter and original id for me to get money from Baranggay. I don't know about that but my mother insists me of giving it to her. I got a relieved when I saw her message. Thank God that there is no emergency at all. The long one minute of waiting for her response gave me lots of panic attacks and that is not good. Overthinking is never good. It will never be, but because of my anxiety it becomes normal. They become partners in ruining my internal system.

For the record, I experience anxiety whenever there is a message like that. The kind of message that is asking my whereabouts. Overthinking is my worst enemy once the message starts like that. It started when my sister called me and ask me to go to the hospital immediately. My father was admitted to hospital year 2017 because of complications due to diabetes. When I arrived there, my sister told me that already passed away. Since then, I carry that kind of feeling. Every time there is a message and the message is not really clear when it comes to its objective of telling me, I get panic attacks and anxiety will ruin me. Whenever I received lots of missed calls and I don't even received a message afterwards, I cannot breathe anymore. This is really hard for me. I always tell them that if I missed their calls, they should leave me a message so that I will not worry. I also advise everyone, my family, friends and co-officemates that if they have a message, they should drop what they want to say and not the kind of message that I will just starts to overthink. I just hope that people around me can adjust to what is happening to me, but I guess they can't and some of them don't care.

I am a strong people. I have been through a lot. Maybe being a strong person has to have the hardest challenge to test its strongest capability to live. For me that is my anxiety. I am a strong independent woman with anxiety. I am not enjoying it. I am doing everything to solve it and get rid of it. As for now, it is still there. I need help that I can have. I need support system from the people who have it and learn from them. I don't want to live with this kind of personality. I need to overcome this. For now, I will just pray to be stronger. The better version of my self. To become the 111% of a person I should be.

Images are all mine