While revisiting my plan earlier tonight there are lots of changes I've done to make this goal happened. In the middle of revising, I felt mixed emotions or maybe overwhelmed because lots of hardwork was not paid. Besides my three jobs, I'm trying my best to win every raffle I knew online. We have a chat group that shares raffle draws. These raffle draws are like what you see in social media, where there are free appliances, cash, products and services and more. I even join Eat Bulaga's raffle and games. Even KMJS or Kapuso mo Jessica Soho, a magazine oriented television program in the Philippines were they choose Tweet of the week and the ones that you need to answer a question with a selfie that you are watching the show. Besides Facebook, I have Telegrams and Twitter, sometimes on Instagram. All of the raffle draws I know, I joined it.
My friends in the chatroom, from what I have noticed, they all win already. I ask three of them if they win a certain raffle at present or before. I thought we are four people that still waiting their chances of winning. Since I was not active in chatting, I only read and observe, I lost touch. These three people won lots of times in the raffle already and I am the only one that has not yet win anything. I don't know how I felt. Of course it made me sad to know that I am not that lucky, but anyway, I am not lucky in raffle draws eversince of its existence in my life. I was never picked. Then I try to remember if there is an incidence I won in a raffle and yes I won at the office but all are minor prices, but still thankful.
Getting back to the raffles, I wonder why I am not lucky to get picked. Or maybe there are two many people to join. I always think I am next, but I noticed I've been thinking that way for 3 years now. I am next, I am next, I will win this now. For 3 years, I was never picked. Maybe it is not my time yet. This reminds me of my mother betting in lottery for 10 years, but she only won 20 pesos, 4k is the highest I think. Me, I only wasted 3 years and still it is not my time. I became exhausted.
My friend said that I am not lucky. There are people who absorbs all the luckiness in the world, they always win it. The universe is giving them what they want. Maybe I wish it wrong. Or maybe I didn't want it at all that is why it was not given. Maybe I'm not that serious. I don't want to feel regret over what I did because I just tried. I made an effort and even if it became useless, I still tried, yet something inside is telling me its not for you. Lucky is not in your name. You are not tag as lucky. You are hopeless, lol.
On the other side, I feel exhausted. There is someone telling me that I still did my best. Another is telling me your time will come, don't stop until you get there. I don't want to feel bad for myself. Maybe this is not really for me. Before I sleep I talk to God. I told Him that I'm not liking what Im feeling and please stop me for having regrets because it is my decision, I should accept the consequences.
After sleeping for 2 hours, before I start working in my night-shift, I realize God answers me or maybe not God but it is just my mind telling me how stupid I am.
I decided to quit. I stop. I stop this nonsense. I cannot get anything from it. It will only breaks me apart.
What I mean is, I decided to quit thinking I am not lucky because maybe I didn't win in raffles and winning in raffles is not for me, but I am still breathing, I don't have illness, I have jobs, I have my family, my pets, my closest friends, my friends at work, I have my salary, I have small investment, I know how to earn money, I know how to ask help, I grab opportunity, I never stop trying, I will never get hungry, because I know how to live. Maybe I don't have the lucky charm to be a one day Millionaire, but I am still here. I'm alive and that is something to be grateful about.
I think God is the one that reminds me that. I am not lucky with other things but He is giving me things that I needed most, that I didn't even recognise at all because I'm always busy. The heavy feeling that started before I slept, was gone when I woke up, I fixed my bed, I prepared my makeshift office and play my old Christmas playlist. I feel light. God made me realize He never forgets me and my prayers. He gave me an assurance that it will come on the right time, in his will and his will be done.
Guys, these are my amazing sponsor and for having them makes me feel lucky. I am lucky after all!!!
Hi guys, sorry for the click bait title. It is not my intention to use it and not intention to waste your time. I felt the presence of God earlier and He doesn't wants me to feel that way. I am sharing this post because I know one of you is suffering from guilt, betrayal, rejection, broken hearts, jealousy, envy, feeling sorry for yourself and you always think you are a failure or some kind of a mistake. Stop feeling that way.
Sometimes our life doesn't go as we plan. Sometimes there is some force that controls and sabotage our plans until we feel we don't want to continue anymore because nothing is right. But you know what is right? It is right to feel that way because you are tired, your emotions are building up and it is okay. What is not is when you feel like giving up. Life always has challenges. The great victory is when you never stop despite of these sabotage. You just need to push yourself and accept your faith, change your plans, never your goal and take a break when you feel like it. In the middle of you fighting for your wants and dreams, God will surely see that you badly want it, you never know in a snap of a finger it is yours for the taking. God will give it to you if you put your faith in it.
I Quit thinking it is not for me, because it is for me, one day. God will give this to me, one day...
September 29, 2021