I really thought I'm okay. I really thought I was okay. Not only that, but I also thought I had already taken away and healed myself from the word postpartum, alone. But no, I was wrong. I am not well yet, I just thought that.

Furthermore, I just thought of everything. Not only that, but I've been fooling myself for over a year too. Something I don't understand, and something that I wanted to ask myself, why can't I be true to myself? Why even in myself, I can't even a commodity the word okay? Is it really that hard to accept that sometimes we actually have hard times and motherhood is a big challenge to deal with ?

_____________________

My child was only three months old then, and I noticed a change in myself. Especially in my habit and behaviour. Gradually I became sensitive. Gradually I became irritable. I thought it was normal because I was just new in motherhood. I just gave birth. Likewise, I thought I was just having a hard time adjusting. Not only that, I'm always lack of sleep and I'm always tired, so it's easy for my head to heat up. When it comes to my child, I'm always okay. I felt happy with his simple actions, and immediately became worried when he cried.

Natural and normal thing for a mother indeed. They say that's how it really is when you're a new mom, sometimes paranoid.

But I noticed when it came to my partner, I easily got angry. Watching his face makes me angry and his presence makes me irritating, and his absence makes me feel relief. Yes! I feel relieved when he’s not around, when I can’t see him. I thought at first it was normal. I thought that was only part of my tiredness, but unfortunately I am not aware that I am already facing postpartum.

Motherhood is really hard. It took a lot of sacrifices, patience, true care and pure love. Because my child doesn't sleep then, especially at night as he always wanted me to carry him even when he was asleep, I can't have enough sleep. Occasionally, he would sleep on my stomach, even if it seemed like his position was difficult, it made him sleep, as long as he was on my stomach. I can't sleep like that because I am afraid that he might fell or that I might hurt him unintentionally, so even if I close my eyes, I am alert to his every move.

_____________________

They said that I would accompany my child to sleep when he slept during the day. But how do I do that? I have to wash his feeding bottle. I have to put away the diapers that he used over the night and I have to keep his surroundings clean. Then sometimes he seems to feel that I am far away because he will immediately cry when he can no longer feel me around him.

There was really a time when I couldn't stand the sleepless nights anymore and my head almost exploded in pain, I really thought that I am dying. I only slept for sometime two hours and so each day, and so for almost two months, I eventually had a really bad headache.

Fortunately, everytime that my mother-in-law was home, she always took my son and so I can have some sleep. Yes, I slept, but it seemed like only sleep for 30 minutes.

_____________________

The days went by. My son is also growing up. Gradually, my temper subsided. I'm still a bit sensitive, especially to my partner, but it is no longer the same. Therefore, I thought I was okay. I thought I had already adjusted to motherhood. I thought I was no longer experiencing postpartum. But I was again wrong. I'm not well yet. I’m not okay yet because until now, I still can’t control my emotions .

Just a few days ago, I just suddenly felt like I had already fed up. I bursts out my heavy feelings. I just suddenly felt like I am choking. I get mad, and kicked all the toys that was scattered everywhere. I felt tired and cried. I am mad without any specific reasons. I just felt mad. I don't understand but I felt tired and then I cried. I bursts into crying as I felt that I am about to explode. Furthermore I continue to cry until I felt some relieved. Then after I started fixing what I had kicked, and fixed myself. I somehow don't understand what happen.

However, I am working to keep my positivity. I need to fight. I need to survive. I just need time to heal.

_____________________

Postpartum depression isn't a joke. Any kind of depression indeed.

That is why we shouldn't invalidate someone's emotions, as sometimes those people who are under depression tend to hold their real emotions inside, as they usually felt that they are being unheard. No one wants to understand them, no one wants to listen, as they are being judged, ignored and hated.

Lead image source was edited using Canva app.