" Confession of a first time mom"

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2 years ago
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I really thought I'm okay. I really thought I was okay. Not only that, but I also thought I had already taken away and healed myself from the word postpartum, alone. But no, I was wrong. I am not well yet, I just thought that.

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Furthermore, I just thought of everything. Not only that, but I've been fooling myself for over a year too. Something I don't understand, and something that I wanted to ask myself, why can't I be true to myself? Why even in myself, I can't even a commodity the word okay? Is it really that hard to accept that sometimes we actually have hard times and motherhood is a big challenge to deal with ?

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My child was only three months old then, and I noticed a change in myself. Especially in my habit and behaviour. Gradually I became sensitive. Gradually I became irritable. I thought it was normal because I was just new in motherhood. I just gave birth. Likewise, I thought I was just having a hard time adjusting. Not only that, I'm always lack of sleep and I'm always tired, so it's easy for my head to heat up. When it comes to my child, I'm always okay. I felt happy with his simple actions, and immediately became worried when he cried.

Natural and normal thing for a mother indeed. They say that's how it really is when you're a new mom, sometimes paranoid.

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But I noticed when it came to my partner, I easily got angry. Watching his face makes me angry and his presence makes me irritating, and his absence makes me feel relief. Yes! I feel relieved when he’s not around, when I can’t see him. I thought at first it was normal. I thought that was only part of my tiredness, but unfortunately I am not aware that I am already facing postpartum.

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Motherhood is really hard. It took a lot of sacrifices, patience, true care and pure love. Because my child doesn't sleep then, especially at night as he always wanted me to carry him even when he was asleep, I can't have enough sleep. Occasionally, he would sleep on my stomach, even if it seemed like his position was difficult, it made him sleep, as long as he was on my stomach. I can't sleep like that because I am afraid that he might fell or that I might hurt him unintentionally, so even if I close my eyes, I am alert to his every move.

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They said that I would accompany my child to sleep when he slept during the day. But how do I do that? I have to wash his feeding bottle. I have to put away the diapers that he used over the night and I have to keep his surroundings clean. Then sometimes he seems to feel that I am far away because he will immediately cry when he can no longer feel me around him.

There was really a time when I couldn't stand the sleepless nights anymore and my head almost exploded in pain, I really thought that I am dying. I only slept for sometime two hours and so each day, and so for almost two months, I eventually had a really bad headache.

Fortunately, everytime that my mother-in-law was home, she always took my son and so I can have some sleep. Yes, I slept, but it seemed like only sleep for 30 minutes.

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The days went by. My son is also growing up. Gradually, my temper subsided. I'm still a bit sensitive, especially to my partner, but it is no longer the same. Therefore, I thought I was okay. I thought I had already adjusted to motherhood. I thought I was no longer experiencing postpartum. But I was again wrong. I'm not well yet. I’m not okay yet because until now, I still can’t control my emotions .

Just a few days ago, I just suddenly felt like I had already fed up. I bursts out my heavy feelings. I just suddenly felt like I am choking. I get mad, and kicked all the toys that was scattered everywhere. I felt tired and cried. I am mad without any specific reasons. I just felt mad. I don't understand but I felt tired and then I cried. I bursts into crying as I felt that I am about to explode. Furthermore I continue to cry until I felt some relieved. Then after I started fixing what I had kicked, and fixed myself. I somehow don't understand what happen.

However, I am working to keep my positivity. I need to fight. I need to survive. I just need time to heal.

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Postpartum depression isn't a joke. Any kind of depression indeed.

That is why we shouldn't invalidate someone's emotions, as sometimes those people who are under depression tend to hold their real emotions inside, as they usually felt that they are being unheard. No one wants to understand them, no one wants to listen, as they are being judged, ignored and hated.

Lead image source was edited using Canva app.

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2 years ago

Comments

Postpartum depression is indeed a serious feeling and hopefully the people around understand you sis.

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2 years ago

are you okay now sis?

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2 years ago

I also just found out when giving birth I will be paranoid and not calm it's possible under normal circumstances after giving birth the first time.

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2 years ago

I think all this are responsibilities of a mother...but first of all you have to be okay and fit otherwise nothing good will happen...that's why I respect my mother a lot

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2 years ago

Expect a mother's role is always a multitasking. We couldn't just focus on a particular things we need also to do other things

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2 years ago

Postpartum is really stress and moreover this time needed for uterine involution. In this period, mother remain aggressive, moody and sensitive in behavior. Sometimes we have to compromise on many things and also understand our partner. Motherhood is big challenge we understand when we become mother.

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2 years ago

My dear Garreth, you are absolutely right to experience these feelings of tiredness and depression. You are a full-time mother, but also a housewife, who has to manage everything in the house. At the same time, you are concerned about making money, and more importantly, being away from your family and hometown. All of this causes you to experience these feelings sometimes under a lot of pressure. But you have proved so far in life, that in spite of all your feelings, you have been a strong girl and woman. And you come out of all these challenges with a raised neck. Life is not always sad and hard. There will be moments of joy and happiness.

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2 years ago

The problem here is not necessarily the stress attached to motherhood. It's the fact that e expect women to be able to handle it just because, hence we don't listen. The narrative has to change

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2 years ago

Being a first time mother is not easy at all. I didn't know this until a read the book Every Woman. It was really an eye-opener. I would ask that fathers help ease the stress and work of the mothers by being available and helping out when they can.

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2 years ago

Motherhood is not a joke, especially for first timers. So many changes occur that needs adjustments. God help all mothers.

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2 years ago

I've always admired mothers, cos their job of caring for a baby is no small task. This becomes even worse for a new mother going through her first. Postpartum depression is real and we have to start talking about it.

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2 years ago

Awww. It must be really hard to control the emotions. I can understand you since I lived with my brother's wife too, and I saw her other side when she became a Mom. I mean, the mood swings and emotions, and all of that. Sending you hugs, and I hope you are feeling better right now.

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2 years ago

Kaya kailangan talaga natin minsan ng taong mapagsabihan ng ating mga problema sis yung taong handang umiintindi sa mga pinagdaanan natin. Keep on praying sis,

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2 years ago

Sending hugs to you my friend. I heard a lot of stories about postpartum and how hard it is to experience. I hope things will be better for you especially on your feelings and mood my friend.

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2 years ago

Totoo yan sis .. postpartum isn't a joke. It is indeed a serious case that we must be aware of. It is not just a simple situation that needs to be understood easily. Hence, we need someone that will fully understand us. The one that will lift us to fight with us. The one that will help us to overcome the feeling of being alone, worthless, and useless. Hayst. I can relate to you, sis. Just be strong. Fight for it. Don't dwell on the emotion. Instead, find some ways to entertain yourself. I know that it isn't easy but we have to be bold for our baby. No one will be able to help us but only ourselves, except God. ❤ keep going, sis. 💪

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2 years ago