To my First Love...

To my first love, Ace,

Before you start reading the whole body of this letter I want you to know that I've finally found happiness in someone else. He's everything to me now. He's the sun of my the cloudy weather when you left me. I am happy as he is making me worthy of all the pains that I've been through.

I don't know why there's this sudden urge and here I am again, writing for you. Because I have to confess that the ending of our story still makes me sad, however, knowing that you're doing better fills my heart with joy. I am happy with the person you've become right now. You look so much better now, closer to the kind of person I was so certain you'd become. I remembered how I pictured you in my mind, it was almost the same except that I am no longer a part of it. You know very well how I have always been supportive of you, even if I am no longer the girl who got your back as you accomplish every dream you'd told me about. Because now, I am someone else's lover, someone else's support, and someone else's companion. And so are you. I am happy, I promise that there's nothing more like the happiness and joy I've felt by your side, even if you're the same person who broke my heart when I first try to fall in love. It was indeed, I say, a roller coaster ride with you. The ups and downs I cannot count, but the ride with you is unforgettable.

It was May when we fell apart, and it took me practically a year to encourage myself that love still exists, for sure, but no longer in this indistinguishable spot. Ever since, for all I know, I thought our love will be the only love that my heart will be able to recognize. Because for a long time, even after it terminated, I still waited in the same spot where you left me. It's because I didn't yearn to be cared for good by other men who swear to love me, I just wanted to be loved by no one but you. Just you. No one else matters. And the reason why I couldn't acknowledge it when you said that I deserve and should look for someone better was that I was waiting for you to understand that I was worth becoming the best. I was waiting for you to pull your shit together and love me exactly how love feels like. But that never occurred. I waited but I got tired. And so I decided to move along with my life without you by my side.

Now, I am in a better place. I am drenched with love that is constant and kind, a love that brings no troubles, and a love that's so secured I don't need to worry if it'll stay. You see, he is the kind of man you couldn't become — for me. Or maybe you were just signified to be the best for her. And I was just meant to prepare or teach you how to love better. You look so much happier and satisfied with her, and she seems to be in perfect ecstasy around you. Is it because she's not as weak and soft as I used to be or because you deal with her exactly how I once pleaded you to treat me? Because now, she's the love of your life while I am the love that didn't last.

That shouldn't hurt. This shouldn't hurt. I had moved on the past, right?

Now, I feel so bad. I should not be thinking of what if's when I am happy with the one I'm with now. What if, I waited longer? What if, I plead more? We could've been walking right past the other lovers in this park, hands tightly closed together, running and playing under the rain. We could've been the ideal people in the love of the young lovers.

The what ifs and could've been's are flooding in my mind all so suddenly. I was not able to prepare myself to see you. Is it? Or I was pained to see your smile that is different when you still had me. I said to myself it would be fine with me if you will find another love but not like the same love that we had. I want you to be happy but not happier.

I told you, I already belong to someone who values me but I don't think I deserve that kind of love when I still have you in my system. I will not beg for your love anymore. I am writing you this, so at least, you will know how I really felt even after all these years. But, I am not going back to you. I am still affected, yes, but I will stay in the arms of the person who's filling the emptiness I felt. Maybe, for now, I'm still hurting like this, but this actually helps now that I see you. Someday when we will meet again, I will no longer have these words, but instead, I can finally say, "I once loved that person," with a smile on my face and no pain in my heart. I can't wait for that day to come.

Always,

Fyangzee