Living with my Red Flags 🚩🚩

First of all, I am writing this because I am fully aware that I am not perfect and no one else is and I believe in self-reflection and introspection. Even with our imperfections, as humans, we naturally want to be good to ourselves and others. The pretense “well we’re only human,” is already overrated and too cliché, at times we say that to cover up our flaws. Although I’ve gone through my fair share of trauma and heartbreak, I’ve also been labeled as the following: manipulative, negative, toxic, self-centered. While I do know that not all of it is based on truth, it helps to eventually notice the red flags in my personality and character. It's really important to be aware of it because I still truly believe that I can still be better for myself and everyone else.

So here are some of the red flags that I consciously notice in myself:

I have a lot of insecurities. Being insecure is one of the worst things to have. I don't like going out because I would just see pretty girls that are far-off better than me. That really lowers my self-confidence.

I hate how they look perfect effortlessly. In my case, even if it takes forever, I doubt if I could be on the same level as them. That's how worst I am.

Another one is that I have trust issues. And because of that I fall into a push/pull dynamic when I start to get close to people — I become sensitive for threat cues that I will just be ghosted and will be left hanging by a cliff and have strong urges to run away even at the slightest sign of indifference or incompatibility because I always think ahead that it won't work out. I learned to relate to people in their experiences and also with my traumatic experiences.

I am overly sensitive! Even with a thumbs-up reply, I feel like the person is not interested in me. For example, I called my friend thrice this morning but she didn't pick up. I concluded that she is mad at me. I shared it with our other friend with overly dramatic expressions, and then she told her what I was ranting about. Only to find out that she was still asleep. I over-reacted for nothing. I'm such a drama queen!

I have a hard time accepting praise. I'm incredibly self-deprecating. I posted a selfie on Instagram and a friend left a comment that says that I was cute. What I thought is, he's just lying about it because I haven't heard someone may it be a friend or a family call me cute or attractive for years. I just thought he's just being nice in a way that he has to lie which is very insulting for me. I don't see myself as worthy of affection but I ant it somehow. Yes. I.am.that.crazy.

The major red flag I have is that I don't address the problem. If someone hits a nerve on my heart, I am not someone who will go for confrontation. There will be no words that will be heard from me. I would just become cold and distant right away. Because of this toxicity, people often wonder what's wrong with my silence. It's brutally cruel I know but that's me. So if you hurt me so badly, for example, don't expect even a single word from me. I'll momentarily turn my back and forget the connection we had. That's how awful I am.

I am still trying to eradicate somehow some of my red flags because I am fully aware that it is not decent. I want to improve myself too. I am starting by acknowledging my red flags and hopefully, these all will turn to green flags.

Lead image from Google.

Thank you so much, fam ❤