Late Night Talked About Depression Gone Wrong.
Last night July 17, 2022. It's already 18 since that happened at midnight. Someone chatted with me in messenger; the conversation started with 'why are you still awake?' I looked at who message me. It was an old friend of mine. I replied, 'How to sleep?' she laughed and said, 'I am two days now having no sleep,' which exhaled she was under problem pressure. I reacted sad emoji, and she told me things I didn't know, but it went wrong; instead of comforting her, I confessed the same things I had before. Where no one knew about it, I am brave enough to tell her that I also had anxieties or depression back then. Self is what I have, so I kept this within me for a long time.
No one knew but myself; I felt the symptom, yet I pretended it wasn't. I read an article back then about how to look if I am a depressed person. And the symptoms are similar. They have added that I am pressured. What happened is that I kept things inside until now. No one knew. My family, my friends, and now only one knew about my stories and what happened to me, my old friends, and my ex-girlfriend.
Judge me to talk about my ex again and again, well better than I will be a hypocrite to tell you that I am not talking to her anymore, even though I promised to take a step away from her. But things happened, and again we talked about the past. But maturely, we didn't argue about what happened, but I told her my side of the story she might not know until I confessed.
We were together back then, and I discovered myself in chains of something. I don't know what that feeling was at first. But I felt worthless inside like I am nothing. Suddenly I was blank. I am tired of everything; I added that she was immature before. A simple way of understanding happened to become a huge mess.
I cried a lot before that and am in charge of something.
After the nightmare that happened to me (Nightmare Gives You Dream That Close To Reality.- I chose not to sleep) and TP tells me to open up things, that is what I did. I gave her everything.
Why did no one asks or force me to answer the question 'why did I quit my job'? It was high-paying, and the supervisor's name was magnificent; I worked in a field of interest. But that's where I saw hell.
I have a terrible experience in that work, its a hell. I do work where I cant take inside what was the thing I saw. It's a dirty job for me; that was the past. No one asked me before what happened because that was the start of the pandemic in march 2020. All my excuses had been shielded with a reason because it was a pandemic and I am afraid of the virus, that way my parent never asked anything; comfort for me for I don't need to explain things to them.
But the real thing is that there are more different things besides the virus that I quit. It's because I am depressed and had anxiety. I thought opening the things would make me weak. I don't want to hear that I am overreacting. But the night I am alone, things are always something weird.
Added that she was making me uncomfortable.
I tell her I have no time for her but time was a lie. I had the whole time talking to her, but I was drowned. I found myself looking in the faraway fields. I can't explain, but I have to cry; this is not who I am. This is not what I liked. Those things are hell.
You guys don't even think this way. Maybe, that's why I wrote stories where bad is ending. All fiction is about sadness, grift, and loss. Where I found myself in the field, and I do write those things out.
I don't know why I am telling this now; maybe I wanted to be freed from everything from the past. Because it's a ghost on me. I still dream about what happened from the hell I am mentioning. I might look fine, but something is wrong.
The message I told her about is that.
I can't be the one who will motivate or comfort you in such anxiety, whether I am longing for someone for me to talk to or someone who could provide words. Also, I confessed that I got the karma of giving her a hard time; I knew I was also the reason for her anxiety, and maybe that's why I could not leave her. Also, I confessed that I am not in a relationship yet because I have the trauma of having a serious relationship.
You might look at me as if I am fine, but the real thing since 2019 until now, I have been in battle, silently dwelling in such anxiety. And that was one of my actual stories.