It feels like I had a cancer-phobia and it's not a good part of joke.

Dying must wasn’t the painful way, back then when they said someone died what inside my mind is the word he rested in peace. I witnessed also my elders died when I was young and I really loved the idea where dying just sleeping, never in my life I wish someone will die in a painful way, I thought that dying in an accident is the most painful at all, but I think I was wrong. When I witnessed my uncle die because of cancer there was a point where I wanted and was curious about everything. Maybe because I don’t want that kind to be done to me, so I listen carefully, I looked at everything. Someday I won't be.

Then I merely bring that thing just on my side, not intended to share with others. I thought I was brave because I slept last night alone in the room where my uncle was sleeping when he lost his breath. That’s one of the myths elders believe that the room must not be empty, there must be someone who will occupy at least. And I was that brave man, I guess. Staying there wasn’t that strange, I don’t believe in such playing ghosts that haunt me down, or because I know him as a good man when lived, never wish someone's bad fortune.

Not until it feels weird and I choose to close the window, do I let it open for some fresh air because the window was designed with some vent and sliding glass. At midnight I thought I was the only person awake, hearing the noises of the dog howling in toward the house.

I remember when I was young, I heard that spirit won't leave until it lasts for forty days. They said that the soul is doing its course just crossing the routine he is doing every day, the path where he normally walks and stays until the light will come and get him.

I heard a lot of stories and more and more thoughts that came inside me, hearing others' theories and beliefs. Somehow I don’t believe in some, but I found others as interesting and some facts.

In the religion they called Adventist where they said in their necrological service, dying is not that crucial part, they won't believe that the soul will travel through space and time, instead it the spirit will just remain in the body, and the place where he will be rested, they also don’t want the term died. They were just sleeping until the day they again resurrected. They won't leave until the day of judgment when whoever received the goodness of God will again revive.

On the Pentecostal religion, they said the same side but differ in thought and explanations. They said that what we saw as the face and replica of who'd died wasn’t him but the fallen angels that were descendants of evils. They wanted to copy things so it will likely show that they were dead yet the real thought wasn’t.

It’s the ghost or remnant of the dead, but the playful demon who wanted to cause something.

Yet in the other sector which is Union espiritista, they believed in spirits. One night 2 days before my uncle took the last breath, things seemed junction. One believer saw the spirit of my uncle in their church, what makes me goosebumps is that. Even my uncle believed that he was there at church. My aunt ask that time if he went to church and it was clear he said yes, he was there.

The shocking part was there he was wearing his favorite attire as the medium said.

A lot of things was there, I don’t know whom I believed but during the days I encountered and witnessed how their medium works they could ask and talked to some spirits, they could even invite something that could explain why my uncle suffers, it's really controversial yet I seen how they work, I heard how the medium changes it voice, the normal voice he had could talk to something different, the voice which seems like ordinary could produce a sound strange yet familiar in my heads.

Believe it or not, back then when I was sleeping beside the room. I heard how the pain diminished my uncle's life support.

It also seems like I have a cancer phobia. One time while feeding my rabbits, I heard the same noise I heard when my uncle is dueling with pain from my neighborhood. We were aware that someone from our neighborhood is having his dialysis for a couple of months now, then when we were having no night out just woken up, my neighbor of my uncle gets and called an ambulance in the early time of the night not yet sun risen up. They will travel to a long-distance hospital to have some treatment also for cancer.

Just this morning, I went to visit my cousin's house to print something and she also tells me things I don't know yet. She will have her surgery tomorrow also in breast cancer.

This hunts me down, it's not the ghost I fear nor the spirits, but now I fear cancer. Because I heard and saw how painful it is to die with cancer, in every cell. One move feels like they are crushing your bone, one slight blink could cause a lot of pain.

The sound of my uncle is silently recorded. I don’t want others to know because I knew the pain would come back, but I wanted that to stay with me. To somehow remains won't be lost forgotten, and make an everything for that won't happen to me, thanks for reading my rant.