What Kind of Relationship Did I Put Myself Into?

So, here I am again, trying to write some of the things that have been bothering me for days. Maybe, it's because of me being an overthinker or having trust issues. But anyway, whether you like it or not, I'm here to release all of the thoughts that have been running through my mind lately that keep me awake at night. And as you can probably tell, it's about my Online Labeled Relationship.

Almost a week ago, I have published an article titled "It's Official: The End Of My Unlabeled Love Story". If you have read the article, you already know what it's about. But if not, it's just about me and my unlabeled love story that I've kept blabbering about that became official. And as you can tell, I'm excited about it because it's my first official relationship after being single for almost 23 years.

But now, I'm starting to doubt if I made the right decision to actually make it official. Now, I'm starting to ask, what kind of relationship did I put myself into? Is this the kind of relationship that I expected it to be? Why are things not going the way I thought they would?

Trust Issues

A day after we made our relationship official, he asked me if it was okay if he stop paying for the Paired app that we are using to play games and to get to know each other more. This was the couple's app that solidified my thoughts that he is actually serious with me because he's now starting to spend money to get to know me more. It's not that I expect him to spend money. I just thought it was him trying to make an effort to make our relationship work.

But I was hugely disappointed when he asked if it was okay to stop paying for it already when I know that he already paid for the premium subscription, which cost him $75 to get it. But I still said that it was okay since he mentioned that it's a little expensive for him and he's moving to a new apartment next month so he's trying to save money.

But what really made me unhappy is that after a minute of replying to him, he had already unpaired me on the app. It means that he did not cancel the subscription but he actually removed me as a pair. And it gave me thoughts that he's going to use it to pair with another girl since the validity of the premium subscription is until October next year.

Or maybe I'm just thinking too much and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but it really does make sense.

Lack of Communication

When we started talking, we always talked every day but there were times when he couldn't reply as fast as possible because he was too busy with work and he was always exhausted not to check his phone. And that didn't sit right with me, which is the reason why I wrote my first goodbye letter in the first place. But when he explained to me why he couldn't reply and that he was sorry, I chose to understand his situation and gave him another chance.

But what I couldn't comprehend is why does it seem okay for him not to talk to me for days. I really think that if you like someone, you would always want to hear from them, even if it's not every day, as long as you get to hear from them every other day or at any random time. Usually, I'm the one who always initiates a conversation and I feel like I'm doing the man role with that, but it's okay because I really want to talk to him.

Maybe, I'm just not sure how relationships work in America, but if you don't get to hear from them in 3 days, that defines what you mean to them.

Time and Attention

This is somehow related to a lack of communication. As a woman, all I want from a guy is a part of their time and attention. And if you're not getting enough of it, you start to think that you mean nothing to him because time is free but it's priceless. There are 24 hours in a day and if you can't allot at least a couple of seconds or a minute to send a random update about how you are doing, that means you never cross his mind, especially if you know that he can always be on his phone whenever he wants.

Verdict

Well, I don't really know what kind of relationship did I put myself into or if it's even an exclusive and serious one. Maybe, I'm just being petty because of these things that I mentioned. Or maybe, I'm not really yet ready to be in a relationship because my ideals are not exactly what it is in real life. Or maybe, I'm just too emotionally invested in this because this is my first experience.

Anyway, I haven't heard from him for 2 days now. And if I still won't get to hear from him tomorrow, I guess I already know my worth to him.

I'm actually the one at fault for this because I really fell for him so badly so I want to make it work. But I once asked someone when do you know that he is the one, and he said when you are not trying so hard, and that just tells it all.

Just like what George (Kathryn) said in The Hows Of Us, "Matalino akong tao e. Pero pagdating sayo (sa kanya), ewan ko, natatanga ako." Lol 😐🙄🤣

Anyway, that's all for now, and thank you for reading my dramas in life.