It's easier to get mad and angry to people you love. But, forgiveness is not.

Life is full of emotions and coated by various feelings - that's what we always say. In fact, it is. We are created with senses like taste, sight, smell, touch and hearing. Whenever you hear something unpleasant, you became angry, displease, and mad.

I'm not talking about our senses. Instead, I'm sharing about this little madman I have inside and how it grows like a big, destructive madman. Where this little madman inside me comes from. And why it exists within me?

The reason why I hate my father's the most

Our father is the strength and foundation of our home. They are the breadwinner of the family. Fathers are sacrificing a lot of time just to earn money and feed us at home. Some fathers are symbolism of bravery and boldness for their children, but not for me.

My father is like a kettle, when it is hot then it whistles a lot. Unlike other fathers out there, they are silent. Their mothers are usually the talkative one and who commanded everything at home. My family is not like that.

Yes, I hate my father. He is very impatient person. Whenever he asked something to any of us, you should follow it without saying "wait lang po!". Nah, get up wherever you are sitting and follow him. Unless you want to receive these hurtful, spiky, double-edged words that penetrates not only in your head but heart.

Since young, I had this madness inside of me for him. It is like a seed that I bought, and growing everyday. The moment he shouted, colded at me and then it triggers and waters the little mad seed I had. You know what's next, it grows. Day by day. Weeks by weeks. Months by months. Year by years. It didn't stop growing. Until it becomes uncontrollable.

What it costs for me?

Mentally speaking, I'm always mad too. Whatever I'm feeling inside is so transparent to my words and actions. Actually, it was noticed by my friends at school. They are asking me 'why I'm so impatient', 'why I'm always angry at little things', 'why I don't want to be disturbed and didn't go with them'. Yeah, it's kinds hard for me also to live like that but I can't control myself anymore. Like it's my automatic response to everything.

Academically speaking, I wasn't focus on every discussions and lesssons we had. My participation in class went down tremendously. My scores in exams and quizzes are getting lower and lower. What do I expect for my grades? Oh, it went down. That's the first time in my previous high ranking streaks in school to go down like that, and everyone noticed.

Socially speaking, I remember that I didn't socialize much during those days. I felt ignored. I felt being an outcast. But in fact, it's all just an illusion I created. I set an invisible barrier which filters people coming in.

The decision I made was...

You know what, I'm very thankful to those people who still believes in me during I had my deepest downfall. Those people who have been my support and guide to my journey. When the time I met Him in my life was like bombshell. My life just exploded and scatter all around the surface. Little did I know that I'm broken. My life was already falling apart due to the madman inside me.

The hardest decision I ever made in my life is not to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. But forgiving my father to all those seemingly unending harsh words I received from him.

During my encounter God retreat (EGR), this is what we do in church when you are finally decided to fully accept Him. It is vividly clear in my mind that there is one session, only one session when we were asked. 'Who is/are someone you want to forgive?' Like I was stopped for a moment and the only one person in my head was my father.

That day, I confessed everything. I assessed myself where this big madman inside me started and where is the root of him. It was very difficult. It really is, I tell you. To forgive someone who hurts you like for several years, and will forgive him like in a seconds.

But I decided to forgive him because I'm not the only one who were hurt, my siblings too, my friends, my health, my studies and people who's around me. Above all, I hurt the one who loves me first, Him.

This is the last part of my life series. I truly enjoyed remembering and writing all those past experiences of mine. I'm overwhelmed by everyone's positive response. Here's the previous parts.

Life series: Living without electricity in 9 years

Life series: Where my feet leads me to

I'm not telling you to forgive someone who hurts you right now. There will be a right time for everything and I know He is in control. What I'm telling you now is to keep yourself away from investing and collecting seeds of madness which eventually destroy you inside and out.

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Blog #13
2/8/22