@Caroline17
Replaceable
*Life is good, you might say. Or that's what I have been told. Questions are in my head, struggles that I face everyday. I wonder*, **"What would it be like to have no feelings?"** *in an attempt to leave a peaceful and normal existence. I ask,* **"Why is my life constantly a video on rewind?"** *The feeling of being worthless is perhaps not the worst feeling that can be felt. I believe that probably the worst feeling is the one that I experience daily - not being good enough - capable of being replaced or forgotten.* Everyone likes to say that others are important, others are worth it, and others are the reason why they live. That can't be entirely true or even partially true. I have friends who when I think about them, they can bring a smile to my face. There are also other that I am acquainted with that, just by thinking of them, my mood can sour quickly. I used to say, "I admire and thank those people who had previously and still constantly make my life bad, because without them, I would be dead right now. I couldn't live with the feeling and the thought that with my death, I would be giving them a part of me- a sense of victory." I don't know why I don't still think like that. I believe that everyone is replaceable, at least, I clearly am. Maybe all I want is to have someone in my life. Someone who tells me, daily, that I'm good enough, that I'm worth it, that I'm their reason to live. Someone who encourages me, someone who looks at my eyes and can see the truth and the pain behind the glassy and dark sea. Maybe someone who loved me, just as much as I loved them. I try to be that person for someone else. I tell them that they are talented, that they are hilarious, that they make my existence worth it. But no one tells me that back. Out of probably 5 or 6 people that I have attempted to be their reason for life, or simply just a shoulder to lean on, a ear to hear, a voice to echo, none of them have told me anything similar in return. Perhaps they haven't realized, that under this "nice" masquerade, I'm crying out for help. I'm not trying to be "nice", so others can be "nice" back.
I'm trying to send radar signals indicating that I need someone to be my nightingale (quoting Demi Lovato's Nightingale song), in a sense. I've been made fun of when I stated that I needed a nightingale. Even the closest of my friends, or maybe rather I should say "friend", had tortured me daily by making fun when I told her I needed a nightingale. I had meant that in a sense that I needed a hero, a "light to take me home", but rather, as she is and does not know about my past and thoughts, she interpreted it as that I was hungry for love. That I was **"desperate"** and **"clingy"**. But do you realize how important it is for someone like me to have a nightingale? Someone to follow, someone to look up to, someone to trust in. I don't know what hurts more, not being able to find a reason to live, or rather, a friend that leaves you for someone better. Probably the second reason. I've had it happen at least two times, and the third case is pending. If my life is a video on replay, how come I can't find the fast-forward button? I hate the fact that I'm so **"clingy"** and **"insecure"** and that I constantly compare myself to models or other people. I hate the fact that I am not impressed or content with my own body. I hate the way that I look myself yet I keep striving for perfection. I haven't done much and haven't accomplished much progress. I'm not sure what is more important, my weight or rather the amount of fat I can feel above or below my hips. Or how my thighs touch when I stand with my toes touching together. They say that it is due to genetics and the placement of your hips. I say it is due to fat and lack of exercise. I can't walk miles on weekends anymore - it's the end of the school year, I must **"finish strong"**. But when I have the time, what will I do? Will I try and run miles? Will I just continue walking 15 minutes miles on the treadmill, being absent-minded, and just simply listen to songs about love and heartbreak? I would say that I'd like to join a track team in high school. But I know that I can't. Tryouts would be a disaster for me, or even worst is the fact that I have never done track - never seen a meet, never been to a practice, never run. I'd like to join, I mean, isn't it more incentive for me to reach perfection? If I've never been to track, never seen how it's done, how will I expect myself to go to tryouts. Wouldn't I just make a fool of myself? How is it that I am never good enough? I don't have perfect grades, but I try my best as much as I can, at least. I'm terrible at friendships because everyone is too scared of me, there's too much history, too much bias, too much hate, directed against a single person. Why is it that they cannot forgive and move on? I've tried to, but what can I do? I'm not a skinny person, I'm not 5 feet tall and 80 pounds. Is that the reason why I cannot be like them? I'm not perfect and I'd like to say that I don't try to be, but truth be told, I admire perfection. Something that kills me is that I don't even know my weight anymore. Sure, I have an estimated what, 105 pounds that the doctors told me? I'm not even sure if the scale is accurate or was that a "heavy" or "light" day for me. I look back on the days with nostalgia, the days in which I could control my weight, until I reached the high 80s or low 90s. Seems like forever ago, but it was only merely a year ago. Maybe I've gained muscle, you might reason. I don't think so. I can feel the flab and fat around my waste. I look at my too-large shoulders and sigh. My thighs are too big; I'm too short. What would be easier? Ignoring the words and just try to move on? Or responding back with some words of my own? i would say the first option, but we all know that is a lie. Even if the other words stopped, the harshest words, hashest critic would be screaming at me, yelling me at me to try and reach perfection. Simply said, that is the voice inside of me that I fear the most. Why can't I be my own warrior, and my own hero? Maybe I should strengthen myself up and look myself in the eye and announce to the world, show the world, that I am stronger than they think I am, I am a hero for myself. Everytime I try and love my body, my body-positive moments, they are always shattered within days, if not hours. Why is it that I am strong enough to seriously injure someone but I cannot stand up for myself and I cannot build a wall strong enough to keep my own voice out? How is it that I can pretend to be someone I'm not, yet slowly kill the remaining part of me inside?
*What is it that I must change? I'm hoping high school allows for me to cut away the words that people have labeled me for the past few years and hopefully I can make new friends without the bias of my history. I'll keep a handful of old friends, that's for sure, but maybe it's time to let a few them go. Maybe over the summer I'll run a mile every day or do some sort of sprinting exercise, so even if I don't have enough guts to try out for track, I'll be more fit and attractive, right? Being fit is being attractive, and being attractive gives you friends, and friends are a source of love?* Lead Image Source : https://pin.it/7cjMwra **My Previous Article :** The only man in my heart https://read.cash/@Caroline17/the-only-man-in-my-heart-74fc6839 Don't give up to your dreams because the surrender is defeated https://read.cash/@Caroline17/dont-give-up-to-your-dreams-because-the-surrender-is-defeated-a5368e7b Today is a second day of the month of July https://read.cash/@Caroline17/today-is-second-day-of-the-month-of-july-94646afc How do you deal with Anxiety and Depression https://read.cash/@Caroline17/how-do-you-deal-with-anxiety-and-depression-13c1602e Writing my future: Questions https://read.cash/@Caroline17/writing-my-future-questions-b05d92c9 thank you @ExpertWritter for sponsoring me, I am very lucky because I met you, You are the one who always guides me here in readcash so I am very grateful to you .. to all my sponsors 😊 thank you for always supporting me here. to those I met here, thank you for always upvoting my article. I hope you don't get tired of reading my article .
31 comments
just be yourself po..tanggapin mo din po ang sarili niyo, love youself din po...huwag pokayong magpapaapekto sa iba it just hinders blessing comes to you..
Yah. Sis this fiction story pero nangyayari ito sa totoong buhay.. Maraming salamat sa advice😊 tama ang iyong sinabe mahalin natin ang ating sarili at laging mag isip ng mga positibo. God Bless you
Aaay akala ko karanasan mo yan..jehe
>Being fit is being attractive, and being attractive gives you friends, and friends are a source of love? This is not true :(
Yah hindi po talaga totoo hehe. Nalungkot ka ate meyzee nadala ka sa aking Fiction story
If we don't have any feeling maybe we don't see or we think what we hates too much in our body or individually. Well we're not perfect that's makes our life complete were differed for others so we can be who we are and what we want to be. Maybe even those we think perfectly desirable have consciousness in their lack of something unto their body and physicality. Have a good day!
ayiee haha serious comment ahh .. thanks for the advice. Kahit sa comment ang ganda ng pagkakasabi . Iba na talaga kapag matalino.
Hmmm 🤔 i know this is easy to say but hard to do... I think you need to start on loving yourself more and try to ignore the negativity of the outside world. Being perfect is not bad to aim but hey no one is perfect so be a little kinder to yourself. You have to accept and love yourself first before looking out for someone who can give you what you are looking for. You are still young and you still have a long way to go... You are asking what you must change? I think you should change the way you think about yourself... There are ao many good things in you that you cannot see because you are focus on what other people is making you feel. Love yourself first and love from other people will come to you...hugsssssss
That's true, it's easy to say but hard to do. thank you for your advice to me, it's really right to love yourself. by the way this is a fiction story but I liked your advice. Always think positive don't think negative.. Ate @Eylz2021 hindi ko na note sa baba na fiction story. Nilagay ko lang po sa topics
whaaa buti na lang fiction sya... nag alala ako sayo eh
Ayiiee thank you po sa Concern🥰Yes fiction sya pero nang yayari talaga to sa toong buhay diba po .
yep ganun nga.. and nalulugkot ako pag nangyayari to sa totoong buhay :(
Loving yourself and being who you are, you will find friends. Don't be so negative. Don't focus on the things you don't have that you see in others. Be a better version of yourself.
Yes Sis I always think positively of myself and love myself. Thank you for your advice. But this is Fiction story. It's my fault hindi ako nakapag lagay ng Notes sa baba na fiction story ito😢
Wuuuttt. Buti fiction lang pala.
Oo sis hehe . Kinabahan nga din si ate@Eylz2021 akala totoo din. Pero salamat sa mga advice niyo 😊 kung mangyari man yan sakin o kahit sa kaibigan mapag sasabihan ko sila at alam alam ko na gagawin ko.
Love yourself first because you cannot see the real life in outside world. Neglect all the negativities, replace with all positive thoughts. It can help to know who truly you are and you can find the rightful things. God bless you.🙏
Thank You sis. It's true love my self First 😊 thank you for your advice. God bless You too. Thank you for always comment to my article 🥰 By the way This article is Fiction story Hindi ako nakapg notes sa baba .
Ah okay .. more articles please.. You're always welcome sis..❤️🥰
You don't look fat on your profile though. .. Don't mind what others will tell you, just be yourself . But if you want a change, do it for yourself not for others... For a better you..exercise is still important to make us healthy
Ms. Jane, I made a mistake, I couldn't make the notes below that I made this fiction story. Thank you very much for your advice, just in case that happens to me I know what I will do .
It's so sad to compliment others but in return, they don't reciprocate back. It hurts though but the best is to keep looking at the mirror and see yourself stronger than what others could think of. Above all, love yourself for who you are until then people will do so later.
Yah! It's true, just always be strong in ourselves and show them that we are better people. Love yourself is the first thing you should do .. Thank you for your advice😊
Life is full of happiness and tears; be strong and have faith.
Always love ourselves and think positively in life. Pray always to our lord ..
world is full of bauty kaya pabayaan nalang natin, proud nalang us kasi ganito tayo. kung di ko nakita sa comment baka diko pagkamalang fiction to HAHAHAAH
Hahaha kaya nga sis. Nalimutan ko kasi mag lagay ng Notes 😅 babawi nalang ako sa next..
Hello, good day! Sometimes yes, we tend to be insecure of ourselves but don't let that consume you. Instead, make yourself busy discovering the crafts you are good at. You can do it! You are beautiful.
thank you sis for the advice 😊 I'm lucky because there are many concerns about me .. but sis this is a fiction story. I couldn't put notes on the bottom so you'd think it was my real experience. God bless you 🥰
Ah yes, I got it po. God bless din sa inyo at sa family nyo.
kaakibat ng buhay ang struggles ganoon paman gawin nating inspirasyon ang mga iyon upang magpatuloy. KAYA 'YAN KAKAYANIN MO'YAN.