Is the end for me?

There isn't a day that I'm not thinking of ways on how I can survive for the following days. The bear has affected me so much. It's not just me, I know, but all of us here. Yet, for someone like me who is only living off by writing these personal blogs of mine and interacting in the crypto space, it's surely hard to live by. These things happening to me now was beyond my anticipations. When I thought that I have thought of this before, I was wrong.

However, there isn't an option for me to give up. It is simply not in my options since the only ones I have is only to suffer and continue, face the consequences of my actions. It isn't wrong to pursue my dreams but being unprepared for the worst case scenarios is my biggest mistake. Who even expects this all to happen to us? No one, I guess.

I have an enrollment next week and for sure there will be lots of fees. I needed to shell out what has been remaining in my savings. I don't have a stable income for now nor a scholarship to help me lessen my expenses. Also, I have a lot of expenses ahead to be prepared of. My trainings are still ongoing currently and it's too late for me to back off from it. I have invested a lot into it including time and efforts. I don't want to put all of that in vain just to put a band-aid to these wounds. It wouldn't help, either. Instead, it would to my regrets in the future and lost opportunities.

It's hard living by yourself and also while supporting others. It's a life that I want an escape but there's no way, I can do it. I'm raised to be responsible despite the difficulties and consequences, and to value what has been given to me. I never meant for an innocent soul to get involved in my struggles. If I can take all of it, I will, just for them to have a good life. I'm used to sufferings and the pain anyway while they're not.

I'm finding solutions, I swear. I never stopped looking for a way, but I guess this is only within the reach of my capabilities. It's hard to be a mediocre and you didn't have such opportunities to polish your skills further when you were younger. You were born in a family which is deprived from luxury. It's even harder when no one is helping from the family who's supposed to be your back up.

Imagine you are the student, but you'll also be their breadwinner. You're not even the eldest to take that responsibilty but you took it because they are helping you raise your child. It's frustrating to have this life. There are even times that I just to sleep and never wake up again, but on the other note, I wouldn't that to happen. What will be my child's future if I'm gone? Who'll raise her? I don't want her to taken by her father's toxic family.

Anyway, despite all of this, I'm still looking up the sky, waiting for that silver lining to appear behind the dark clouds. I'm hoping for it to appear before I got drowned in the flood when life rained hard on me. I'm still hoping for the best and my prayers to be answered.

Just letting out some frustrations, but if you have read that 'til here. Thanks for being with me.

Lovelots,

@Ayane-chan