September 10, 2021. Friday.

"Hey!"

A voice woke me up from a strange dream.

I found myself and catching my breath while my heart was pounding like crazy and sweat is flowing around my body.

It wasn't exactly a dream. I would rather call it a nightmare.

Usual and nothing new.

"Hey!"

I was startled upon hearing the voice. I looked for it around the room and saw a mere figure beside the music box I played the night before.

Her image is still so vague in my eyes. She has a long black hair that looks like little waves in the shores and a complete figure that looks very familiar to me.

Nostalgic.

"Who are you? What do you want from me?"

I asked her since her shadows seemed too dark to recognize.

"How are you, Tin?"

"I'm fine, I guess? Atleast a little better than my yesterdays."

I gave her a fake laugh.

She responded a fake smile.

"Why are you smiling?", I asked.

"I'm happy seeing you doing fine. Seeing you alive."

Then, I noticed how dark her image is. She doesn't look like a grim reaper. She looks more like a silhouette.

I was about to ask her who she is when I saw little raindrops flowing down her cheeks.

Why?

Why is she crying?

"I thought you wouldn't make it. I thought you wouldn't live. I thought you would give up and break down into ashes as time and fate played fire with your life."

I was shocked.

Shocked not in the dark figure before me but shocked because someone might actually know my darkest story.

"Long ago, you found yourself in a blank place where you looked down from a cliff smiling. If you were not found that day... If you were not..."

She was sobbing.

She's crying so hard.

Her tears left me in a silent agony as if I am looking at someone special dying.

That day...

The day she is talking about.

That was the day when my mind went blank and my heart went empty.

All I can think that day is oblivion.

The want of being forgotten in return for forgetting everything.

The want of a new beginning through life's most tragic ending.

The want of leaving the world in exchange for the world that left me hanging.

If I were not found that day...

If I were not held by some strangers that day...

I could have died.

"I was watching you all this time. Following every step that you took in this journey. And in every path you take, I was there panting with you, breathing with you, crying with you, aching with you."

My smile turned to frown.

All this time, I thought I was living this unfair life all alone.

Then right here, in front of me, is a figure saying she never left me.

"Why are you following me? My life is a mess and I am nobody in this fucked up world. I am completely nothing! And while others have left me for the same reason, why are you here with me?"

"I stayed, for the same reason that others have left. You walked through your life without looking back. I was behind you all this time, but you never, not even once looked at me nor noticed my existence. Don't get me wrong. I understand. I completely do. Because I am an image you would want to erase forever."

She gave me a smile despite her trembling lips and crying eyes.

"Why would I want that? I mean if you are someone who stayed after all the wrong goings of my life, why on earth would I want to erase you? I don't think that's right."

I answered her with a little smirk, trying to calm down this burning sensation in my chest.

"You would not. I am the agony you would want to forget. I am the sadness you would want to erase from your memory. I am the memory you wish never existed."

The dark figure, the vague image that I've been staring at for a while, slowly adopts the light from the moon that shined that night.

Slowly...

The dark captured the light...

The silhouette turned into vivid colors...

Her image became brighter...

I saw her...

I recognize her...

Her dark brown eyes, her long black hair, and her body- fragile, weak, and small.

I wanted to ask her all the questions that flooded my curiosity.

"Ten years ago, we met for the first time. The days when you had your first nervous breakdown. You were twelve back then. It was because of me. I failed to lift you up. I failed to assist you in times when you're bombarded with the world's one-sided judgement. If only I was stronger back then, I could have held on to the courage you were trying to keep for yourself. If only I was stronger back then, you could have lived a different and better life. If only I was stronger back then, you won't need to suffer from all of this. If only I was stronger, those nightmares wouldn't have hunt you for this long..."

And my own tears started to fall so hard.

Uncontrollably, the pain, the agony, the sadness, and all the negativity surround me that night.

My heart feels like its about to explode.

The sufferings and the sorrows I hid from the rest of the world were being exposed.

Someone cried for me...

Someone wept in my behalf...

Someone carried my cross with me while I am busy carrying the cross of others.

It was a hard battleground yet someone...

Someone tried to fight for me...

Someone blamed herself for all the things that went wrong...

Someone bears the unbearable me...

So I looked at her in the eyes and I have spoken the words I have been longing to say,

"You may have been weak yet you are fragile and kind. You may have failed countless times but look, I am doing fine. It may have been hard sustaining life, but look at me again. I am still alive. Thank you for being weak, I have earned the courage to be strong. Thank you for breaking down in my behalf, I have learned the lesson that life must go on. Thank you for not holding on to me when I was not looking back, I have found myself in wondrous places and met wonderful people along the path. Thank you for staying and for being a remnant of my past that gave me lessons I can offer for my present life. Thank you for watching me even if you are just a lonesome memory. But I won't erase you. I never will. You are the memory that kept me living. You are the pain that taught me how to appreciate real happiness."

And then I burst in to tears and I cried without holding back.

I held my heart as if it is begging me to survive.

I looked at the mirror once more...

And I said goodbye.

To the reflection of me...

To the past that strengthened me...

To the ME from a decade ago...

To the silhouette of my memory...

To the me living inside of me...

To the me who held the story within...

"I am happy to see you alive and fine"

To the girl within,

Thank you for passing by...