Replace that old standard

I woke up early. I have a poster of Fats Domino. I am not sure if I like him but he reminds me of grandpa.
Sometimes I go to the kitchen and watch my grandmother bake a cake. She uses a small old scales and doesn't want me to lick out of the bowl. She says the dough makes me sick but I like the taste and in the end, she gives the bowl to me. Today I stay in bed. I like to be alone and here there are no tasks to do. The shops are closed my grandma can not send me to the bakery to buy her half a white bread. She always buys half a white milk bread. It has to be the one with milk. Is there really milk in it? I cannot see it or taste any difference with our bread.

After breakfast, it is coffee time and after that, we left to my other granny. She is my favourite grandmother and sick. She also writes me letters if she is in hospital and I write her back. She lives far away. I like her but I don't like sitting in the car. It makes me feel sick. I try to sleep but I can't.

My mother is angry and my dad says he will take care of the financial books and she says she takes a lawyer if needed.
I don't know what they mean with financial perhaps the old man who worked for grandpa? I saw him a few times sitting at grandpa's desk as my grandmother told me to bring him his cup of coffee and a slice of cake.
I wish my mother would be silent for a while but she keeps talking, complaining. I hope she won't turn around and look at me. Her arm can still reach me although I try to hide in a corner. If she does and notices I feel ill she will hit me. She doesn't want me to vomit in her car.

"If you dare to vomit I kick you out of the car. You better swallow it!"

She always says the same, repeat it over and over again but sometimes I can't help. I remember once I was little and felt ill. I stood in my crib, cried and vomited at the curtains. She was furious with me. I cried but she didn't touch me. My dad had to clean it up. She said I spoiled her curtains.
Last time I vomited my dad came to help me.
"Next time you need to vomit do it in your pillowcase," he said. He gave me clean sheets and everything. I felt sick again and did as he told me. I kept my bed clean but my mother was mad with me. She said I spoiled her pillow. I don't understand what I did wrong. I did exactly what dad told me to do. He didn't come back so I couldn't tell my mother who to blame. Perhaps she would believe me.

Granny is happy to see me. My mother doesn't like her and she doesn't like my uncle either. He is my dad's youngest brother and has a bit in common with the bully in the street. My dad bought flowers for his mother and they talk. Adults always talk and there isn't much to do for me. Granny doesn't have toys and only a few books. My uncle doesn't want to play with me. He leaves. Later I help granny in the kitchen and after dinner with the dishes. She has a serving hatch which I like just like her sugar pot. Granny has no pets and our dogs stay in her garden. They are happy they can be outside. They hate the car as much as I do.

At the end of the day, we go back home. My dad drives and my mother doesn't say a word. I look at the streetlights on the highway. In the dark, the chain of lights looks like the fair.

Saturday
December 26, 2021


It's Sunday. Everything is back to normal. I wake up early and hear the wind outside. I hurried out of bed. I overslept, she will be mad with me again. It's still dark outside.
I hurry downstairs to make her breakfast. Dad says she left and we can set the table for the two of us.
She left... I am happy she did. I don't know for how long but there will be some peace now.
My dad doesn't visit the church and I stay at home too. We have breakfast and clean up. After that, he makes coffee and reads the newspaper and I read my book. I wonder if he made his bed. If she comes back she will be angry if he didn't although it's not his task. I won't ask him if he did. I just want a moment of peace.

Sunday
December 27, 2020


She came back yesterday. Of course, she did and of course, she was angry. It doesn't matter what I do, what my dad did she is still mad and will always be. My dad says she's just tired and I have to be kind to her. I try but she hates me. I see the hate in her emerald eyes. She hates me and even tells me she does. She says I look like my dad and she wishes I was never born. I wish I was never born too. It's all I wish but no one asked me. It's not my fault I am born. I too wish I was never born. It won't get any better. I know it. She says I am ugly and will kill me. One day she will.
It's hard to be kind to someone who hates you so much. If she yells at me she spits, I watch her spittle fly through the air. I don't want her spit in my face. She stinks, she really does. I do not like to hug her.

Monday
December 28, 2020


We still have no new housekeeper. She will come, there's always someone new just not now. Our house is super clean. We have no time to make it dirty. Perhaps we need a cook. Someone who can make food that doesn't make me ill. Someone I can talk to. The only ones I talk to are the dogs but I cannot say everything to them they are friends with my mother. I sit with them in their basket and feed them sometimes. I brush them too. My mother says I have to keep brushing till not one single hair stays behind in the brush. Is that possible at all? My arm and hand hurt if I brush for hours. I don't like it.

No one knows but I have two diaries. This one and the ugly orange one she gave me. I have to write something in that one too. I know she reads it.

Tuesday
December 29, 2020


I watched some television in the afternoon. My parents both left. I am glad I was home alone. The lights in the tree are burning. In between watching, I listen if I hear her car. I hope she will stay away for a long time. I don't think she will but I hope so.

Wednesday
December 30, 2020

I was outside for a while and walked through the alleys behind the houses. Some mothers are baking deep-fried doughnut balls outside, some in their shed. I like the smell. My mother doesn't make them either does my dad. Tonight we visit my grandmother again. She knows how to make them. I never saw her do it. I watch how a woman puts the dough in a pan of oil. It doesn't look difficult at all. She sees me.
"You like one," she asked and she gave me one. She gave me one she just made. I thank her as she gives it to me. She is the best person I ever met. I will never forget this, never forget her. I don't know her but she is kind to me.

Thursday
December 31, 2020


I wake up at my grandmother's house. Last night we arrived and celebrated the end of the year.
My grandmother baked buckets filled with doughnut balls and apple fritters. My aunt was there too and now she has a boyfriend. He is tall and kind, she is very small. He looks like a giant. A giant that doesn't talk much.
They all watched something on the television. A famous man spoke about the year, things that happened. No one spoke about what happened to me... what will happen to me.
They said you have to make a wish, replace your old habits for something better, replace that old standard to achieve something. My mother... she will not replace anything. People won't do that, she won't and will always be the same. Foxes don't change their habits, the lion does not either do my mother.
"Happy New Year," they all lied and my aunt was the only one who dared to hug me. I could cry but I understand, she is happy and found a friend. Perhaps is safe now and no longer afraid of my mother.

Today the world is not different from yesterday. It's only the next day, we go home and everything is the same. My mother will shout at me, hate and hit me, my dad keeps his mouth shut or hits me with his slippers if she tells him and I will hide my bruises till the end.

Friday
January 1, 2021

A kid's diary

Christmas

Nothing left

Some peace

#kittywu #diary #childhood