@wakeupkitty 2 September 2021 more from that month

Back to school

**Today I went back** to school. I have a teacher now. I like him. He is young and kind but the children in my class are the same. I do not expect to have friends. Soon it will be my birthday. I know because some other children talk about theirs. I remember they celebrate their birthday before mine. They all have big parties and I'm not sure if I can have one. Last year it wasn't a big success. My mother said I could have one but next, I had to cancel it two days before the big day. It wasn't a big day but a sad one a very sad one for me. I think the children in my class were angry. There was nothing I could do about it. If my mother changes her mind the party is over. It's better this way because she behaves weird and I don't want people to see her. Small chance her customers will call her and she leaves. Birthday parties with us are always on Saturdays. Some children have a party on Wednesday afternoon because the school is closed others on Saturdays too. I hear them talk but I decided not to give a party. It's pointless and I don't care if they will not invite me. It's what most of them do. They only invite you if you invite them too. I see no point in asking children who bully me, can't stand me even hate me to come to my party. Even if I do and they had a great time they ignore me the next day. If my parents ask me I say no. My mother has her birthday before mine and she hates me so she won't say I have to. Birthdays are not happy days anyway. My mother always starts a fight a few hours before the guests arrive. I don't think the family will come to visit me. Perhaps for my mother. I have no good wishlist. If I would want something my mother would break it and take it away or she would give it to me with the words "I hate you". She made a tradition out of saying this. **Monday** August 16, 2021 **I am not musical** and the teacher is. He plays different instruments and is the leader of the orchestra. A boy in my class joins. He lives in the same street as I do. At times I can hear him practise. The teacher said if you cannot play an instrument you can join the choir. The teacher of the 5th grade leads it. I said I would because it is for Christmas. I like Christmas at school. It's one of the best celebrations. I like the story, the candles, there's hot chocolate and a book. I already have some books the school gave. They are not very thick I read them within an hour but I don't care. I can reread them. The stories are always about poor people, winter and the people live in a different time as I do. Perhaps at the time grandmother was still a child? With the choir, I need to practise after school. I hope my mother won't mind. I'll tell her tomorrow or the day after tomorrow... It's not Christmas yet. **Tuesday** August 17, 2021 **In the afternoon I played outside with Ellen**. She is kind. I couldn't stay as long as the other children and I cannot invite them to my home but that doesn't matter. **Wednesday** August 18, 2021 **Two little boys are living next to me.** The mother is kind. One boy, the youngest, always has snot running over his face. Children are bullying him and me? I did nothing. I stood at a distance and watched how he pulled his pants down. I am not sure if everyone laughed, I am not sure if he did or cried. I feel confused. Are those living in my street the bad people? Are we the ones who are always bullied and no one cares about? At least this boy has a kind mom. Their garden is not as neat as ours but I don't care. At school, the boys lift your skirt too to look at your pants. Some girls do it to you too. Perhaps they think if they do the boys like them more? The boys I liked, my friends, are gone. It's long ago now and I still miss them. They have each other and made new friends for sure. In the afternoon, after school, I went to gymnastics again. I wish would learn something, teach me how to be good. They don't. The teacher says what we should do and if I can't she doesn't help me. How can you learn something if no one shows you how to do it? **Thursday** August 19, 2021 **From next week on we will go to the swimming pool** by bus. I don't like water and I don't want swimming lessons but the 4th and 5th grades have to. I already had swimming lessons in the pool in the village. The pool is outside and the water is very cold. I had to go over there before school started. I could only think of the cold and kept shivering. It's unhealthy to swim in cold water and the smell of chlorine is terrible and hurt my eyes. If I am back home I see how red my eyes are in the mirror of my mother's dressing table. After the swimming lessons, she wanted me to practise while laying on the stool. It's stupid and pointless. I will never like water and will never learn how to swim. I cannot float. If I try I drown just like at that time auntie took me on a holiday nearby the sea. She didn't know I couldn't swim but I nearly drowned in the swimming pool. I don't think she told my parents. **Friday** August 20, 2021 **Hurt feet again** because of the hiking club. My head hurts because of the busride. I always feel sick and think it's better to stay at home. My mother is cruel but at least during the weekends dad is home. At times he takes me with him to the shop, if he goes to the gasstation and cleans the car. Sometimes my mother drags me with her if she buys fishes, little statues or clothes for herself. I don't like those shops for clothes. They smell and my mother never leaves. Even after closing time she stays. The fishes is the best place to be. **Saturday** August 21, 2021

**A kid's diary** Tomorrow everything is back to normal https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/tomorrow-everything-is-back-to-normal-a9972602 Upstairs https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/upstairs-aa430abf I kill you https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/i-kill-you-f03067cb Message in a bottle https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/message-in-a-bottle-1e0f5091

#kittywu #diary #childhood #childabuse