She is there but at the same time she is not. I am not sure why she is hear. She cannot answer the phone, doesn't like the dogs or me and can't cook. I think she can't cook because she doesn't. I am not sure how old she is and where she hides. Perhaps in her room?
I spent the day at school and only came home at noon to eat. She not awaited me and my mother wasn't home either. The back door is never locked though. The dogs guard it and won't let anyone in. They say dogs know if you are a good or bad person. I am not sure if it's true. My mother is a bad person. She shouts, scolds and if she gets furious you better hide. She likes to beat you but never with her hand. She uses the whip first but I think it's broke. Now she orders me to get the dog leash... We have made of leather and chains. She doesn't want to hurt herself that's why. My dad is the same. He hits me with his leather slippers. She never hits the dogs but brushes them with a steel brush. She cleans my knees and elbows with it too.
The dogs... they seem to like my mother. Perhaps because she feeds them and they can sit on her lap or she brushes them? I guess they cannot feel her cold heart or she only likes dogs?
The dogs don't like the new housekeeper. I am not sure if she is a bad person perhaps she is afraid of them? Dogs smell it if you fear them, they smell fear. I am not afraid of them. I sit with them in their basket underneath the table. It's close to the central heath. They don't care what I look like or how my hurt skin smells. They are used to me like I am to them.
Monday
November 23, 2020
I cannot tell much about today. I tried to hang in. 'Hang in' they call it but in what and for which reason? I don't want to grow old. I feel too tired and sick to live on.
My mother is angry with me. She says I never smile but how can I smile if she's always angry with me? I don't want to live, smile, there's no fun in my life. Home is not a good place and no one cares. I told her I don't want to visit the doctor anymore.
"Fine," she sayou id and that was it. She didn't add to it "I wish you were dead, was never born," like she usually does. There's no need to. The truth is I wish I was never born. I don't want to be alive. Life sucks and it won't get any better. She won't miss me neither would my dad. No one at school likes me. Perhaps because I look different am different or because of my parents...
I am tired and the only thing I want is to sleep. A sleep of hundred years is fine too but most of all I want to die. I am not good at anything and something inside eats me. It's not the crinckle in my head but something in my chest. If I am allowed, don't need to do house chorus, I hide in my room. I no longer hear children play outside. It's too cold and their homes are better than mine. The bedroom window is cold. The curtains are thin and I feel the draft coming underneath it. The wind blows on me while I am in bed.
How long would it take to freeze to death?
My granny says the childhood is the best time of your life. She lies it is the worst. There are no good times. Did my name curse me? I want to die but no one hears me and good is already dead.
Tuesday
November 24, 2020
In the morning I went to school and in the afternoon I had to join my mother as she visited her clients. I waited in a cold car as she went inside the houses. It's boring but I no longer care. She didn't speak to me and I didn't speak to her. Some people looked at me as they walked by. They look, do not greet or say anything. No one played outside. Are they all watching tv? I miss playing with my friends. It's a long time ago they left school. I still miss them and still want to die.
Wednesday
November 25, 2020
A kid's diary
The Saint
I think...
Emptiness
Very painful.