I am so tired but I have to wake up. Do all children get out of bed at 6 am or 5.30 am?
I couldn't sleep because my mother came back home in the middle of the night and she was angry. With angry, I mean really angry. She shouted and screamed at me and yelled the house is a mess and I have to clean up. She dragged me out of bed at my hair and pulled the cupboard forward. Everything fell on the floor. Why does she do such a thing? I cleaned it up and as she came back she only looked and did it again. She pulled the entire cupboard forward again. She didn't even check if it was clean. I felt too tired to say anything and I no longer cry or say something. It doesn't matter what I say, she never listeners to me and only cares about herself. If she is angry she makes others angry. She enjoys it. I saw her face and she smiles if other people are in pain.
Her face can change from a very kind into mean from one moment to the next. At times I pray she forgets being mad with me if someone calls. She is very kind if she answers the phone. I stand there, wait and watch her. She can easily talk for hours and she's so kind. Not the mother I have.
Do people like her? I don't think she has friends which means no one really does. Perhaps she is friendly because they are customers and pay her. I mean nothing to her and only cost her money. That's what she says. Is it true? I do not care about eating less, food makes me sick, it always did. She can give it to a kid she likes, one who really needs it which isn't me. She never says the dogs cost her money. It's just me, me and dad. He's useless too. He doesn't work only reads in the room next to mine or isn't home.
Today I sit still and wait till the day is over. It's the best I can do. I am too tired to move. I hope my mother will leave me alone just like the teacher today did.
June 14, 2020
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