Like the Butterfly, that starts being an egg, then becomes a caterpillar, then becomes a cocoon, and finally, emerges with beautiful wings and ready to fly away.
I'm changing from the person others wanted me to be, to who I really want to be. I started small, dependant, obedient, with my head low because everyone knew best, and I knew nothing.
Then I began to stand up for myself, I started to see that I was two people, one true to my soul, the other true to what others wanted, and even trying hard enough, life showed me that it wasn't my time, that I had to keep my head down a little bit longer.
Time flew away, but I didn't, I became tired and restless, enduring every hit that was thrown at me, thinking that someday things will be brighter and better, but they only became worse. And that's how I've lived almost my entire life, in compliance, obedience, and dependency, not true to who I am.
What I didn't realize is that everything that has happened to me has made me stronger, wiser, open-minded, kinder, but I'm still waiting to fly away. I'm still vulnerable, I'm still remorseful because I know people will be disappointed in me, that I'm no longer the woman they wanted me to be, I'm still struggling inside, fighting a battle with what I am now and who I know I want to be.
Yet, I feel the change is coming, I feel that I'm close to breaking that cocoon, spreading my wings, and flying away to new adventures and experiences. I feel that I'm getting close to keeping my head up high and not bowing to anyone, that it's ok to stand up for myself, for what I believe in, and not mean that I'll stop loving and caring for those closest to me.
I'm changing, and it is scary, the unknown, when will it happen and how will it be, but like the butterfly, I know I'll enjoy every bit of it, as long as it lasts.
Quick update: My mom has a very bad-looking shoulder derivated from a forty-year-old injury, but nothing that caused big problems so far. However, she has been having pain for about 3 weeks which escalated to major pain this weekend. Even, her right-hand swells when she has her arm loose, so I said enough, and against her will, I took her to the doctor this morning. They referred her to Trauma Consult and they found through physical examination and an X-Ray, that the injury that's causing her pain is located in the Rotator Cuff and two bones of the shoulder are grasping each other causing the pain. Now, she has to have a very expensive MRI to see the soft parts of the shoulder to determine if she requires surgery. Tomorrow I'll go out to see what the exact amount is and start to find a way to get it, even with her already saying that she won't go under the knife, ever.
As for today's article, I've had those words revolving around my head for a few days now, but in a very angry form, for I'm fed up with trying to satisfy everyone and bending to other people's expectations, I'm done. But I'm also having trouble handling the reactions of people, who had always seen me malleable a pleasant, always willing to stand down, no not fight back because they know better and I know nothing. I needed to put them out there but in a non-angry form, and that's how that text came out.
It's a process, a very difficult one, but necessary if I want to rise up a live my life to the fullest.
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February 21st, 2022.