The power to turn back time: living life with regrets

I hope you guys are in the comfort of your homes upon reading this. Surely this cold weather is somewhat taking a toll on us: it's making us feel emotional, melancholic. I wanted to write something about relationships but I need to express my soul. August 14 is my papa's death anniversary and I just want to somehow partly honor him in this article. I will have a separate article about him though.

They say "With great powers comes great responsibility". No one disagrees with this saying. You can only imagine the lives being affected by your words, your decisions if you have great power.

Speaking of power, I really wanted to fly and have the power to read people's minds (Although I do from time to time lol) but I would really love to be like Dr. Strange. Minus the cloak and the infinity stone, of course.

I do have regrets in this life which I think are part of my deep sadness. It is something I carry every day of my life, I am not sure when it will go away. Perhaps it won't. Maybe I will forget about it when I am gone. I'm not sure.

If only I could turn back time

I wouldn't have torn my SIM card apart

I was in constant communication with my cousin, Kuya Obet (Bless his soul). He was in Basilan, serving the country as a Scout Ranger. I was a bridge between him and his half-sister Apple. They did not grow up together and tried to patch things up due to some misunderstanding decades ago. Kuya Obet was angry at Apple because she didn't contact him anymore. Apple said that her phone was stolen so she lost his number. I helped them save their relationship. One day, I got so annoyed because the mobile network kept on sending me ads via SMS reducing my balance. I didn't check if my kuya's number was saved on my phone or not and just angrily tear the SIM. I was so disappointed and frustrated with what I've done. We've lost our communication.

September 2014. We received a telegram from our grandma that he was gone. Perhaps he died before August, before my father. I felt that life was unfair and so was God. I could still remember our last conversation:

"Kuya, how are you?" I asked him.

"I am fine. I don't have much sleep though. We are on a mountain on the lookout for the ASG", he replied.

"Please take care," I said.

"I will, say hi to your Mama for me", his last answer.

If only I didn't tear my SIM card I do think he would still be alive. I would always remind him to be careful.

I'm sorry Kuya.

Allowed my Papa Alex to attend my graduation ceremony in college

I've always been papa's girl, he may have not said it to me but I've always felt it. I made him proud of my academic achievements.

We just knew that he was sick. It was graduation day and I was to receive my awards. He wanted to attend but my mama prohibited him from doing so. His stomach aches from time to time and she was afraid it might attack while he is on the stage. So we went without him and just brought him "pancit" as "pasalubong". He didn't eat the food.

He was hospitalized a week after due to cancer. The doctor said he only had a few months to live. It was the most difficult time of our lives.

I wish I compromised and allowed him to receive one of my awards once and then just let him watch when I do for the rest.

I wish I listened to you, Papa. I could have made you happier.

Talked to Ben, my puppy love

In my previous articles, I talked about Ben as my puppy love.

He actually was the ideal man for me, I don't know why but him keeping his promises despite our young age was really something.

We graduated together. Our gang was all accepted in a regional high school. Since my parents broke up, I had to be transferred to Misamis Occidental.

Ben and I lost communication.

We were in 3rd-year high school when Diza, my childhood best friend, and I met again. She told me he was in Marawi City. So I sent my regards.

We weren't a closed chapter and I kept on dreaming about him. I saw him one day with his girlfriend when I was graduating from college. I was surprised that he was already back in Iligan. Things could have been different.

But he was happy with the girl he was with. They were so sweet. I lost my tongue. And then a few months later, I saw them again in an SSS branch where papa and I were processing his disability claim. They were obviously married.

A few years after, I saw him again in NAIA. Could you believe that? He was still handsomely boyish as ever. It was like the first time I saw him. I was waiting for a friend at that time but instead, I saw HIM! I wanted to say a lot of things but I was afraid. What if he loves me still? I didn't want to cause trouble. Ben, I won't look for you anymore.

But yeah, if I could turn back time, I will give us a chance to close an important chapter of our lives.

I should have fought for "us"

Let's call him J2.

We were in college when I met him. He was from an influential, political family in Lanao del Sur. Obviously, we liked each other but we didn't have the chance to be together. I'm just a nobody and he was a somebody. But he did prove to me that I am special.

It took us a few years before we met. We had reminisced about our college life and careers, etc. He asked where I live and if he could stay there too. He can go anywhere as he pleases. Money really talks. Then he proposed that we go to Saudi Arabia. I wish I agreed.

We had a good time watching a movie and walking around High Street in Global City. And while we were on the way home, he blurted, "Our friends and classmates already have babies, let's have one". I was surprised to hear that from him. I wish I agreed, again.

I actually didn't know he was about to wed. He confessed and I was hurt. He even invited me. I didn't show up. He canceled the wedding. I was shocked when I heard the news. I erased his phone number. We stopped talking.

Then he contacted me when I was about to go home to Iligan. We agreed to meet again. The embrace, the kiss, the longing. We knew way back in college that there was a "thing" between us. But sadly, there will never be an "us".

Ahh, a love lost.

If only I have the capacity to repeat our history, I would fight for him. Even if I'll lose. As long as I did.

I wish I had written Ate Eloise's Yahoo username

During the Yahoo Messenger days, I met a wonderful woman, Ate Eloise. She is a Filipina and lives in the Netherlands with her family. She was a kind and compassionate woman. She treated me like a family for which I am so thankful. She even sent me their family picture and a Christmas card. She looked like Vernie Vargas and my heart kept on praying that I will meet her online someday so I can ask forgiveness why I left her just like that.

I just don't know why I changed my Yahoo credentials. I wanna punish myself. I wish I continued and valued our friendship. I pray that her husband survived leukemia.

I wish you think of me sometimes Ate Eloise as I do and I am sorry.

If I can turn back the wheels of time, we'd still be friends until now ate.

"Regrets, I have a few but then again, a few to mention.." My Way- Frank Sinatra

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I think the reason why we are not given such powers is that we might create chaos, instead of peace and order. But how I wish I can make peace of my past and move on. Can you give me Lord God, the strength and the power of acceptance? To forgive myself and move on?

This is one of my most emotional stories. Lo Siento.

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