Unspoken Thoughts

I don't know how it happened. For someone who's talkative, I still have a lot of unspoken thoughts that I often keep to myself. Not because it's a secret or something, sometimes, I just don't have the voice to actually speak up for it.

Here we go again with these puppies, my apologies for bringing this up again for the nth time. It's just the separation anxiety, I guess. I am just so attached and it is really hard to let go knowing that we can keep at least one puppy but my brother won't just agree.

Among the puppies, there's this one whom I got attached the most for she got wounded and I have to take care of her for 2 whole weeks. I was telling my brother that we should keep her yet he doesn't want to, afraid that the pup will get pregnant eventually like what happened to her mom.

So I tried my chances. I told my brother again that we should keep the male pup instead. And he said the pup could get his mom pregnant when he grows up. And here goes my unspoken thoughts.

Seriously? What is wrong with you? You said you didn't want a girl, this one is a male! Besides, we could castrate him.

I never tried talking back to my brother. There are countless of times that I wanted so badly to defend myself, to explain myself, to make him understand but still, my respect for him prevails.

Sometimes, I just want to voice it out, to say it out loud, to actually say what's on my mind but I just can't. I won't. I don't want to.

What hurts even more is the feeling that they don't get me. They can say it's okay but no, it's not. I'm not.

They do like the pups but it is easy for them to let go since they aren't actually the one who took care of them.

They're not the one to feed them.

They're not the one to bath them.

They're not the one who cleans up the cage.

They're not the one to play with them.

They're not the one who clean up the pups mess.

They're not the one who was with them.

I was trying really hard to understand my brother and somehow, I do. I understand that if we keep a dog, we would need an additional dog house. We can't buy the ready-made one and it has to be a custom made since the puppy might grow bigger eventually.

Additional expenses for the vaccine, foods and vitamins. Also, it is really troublesome to think about who will take care of the dogs when we go on a trip.

But those problems can be solved. It's just that, we already have 3 dogs at home and he doesn't want to add one anymore.

Only one pup has left with us and that's the pup that I have been asking for him to keep. Last Sunday, he told me that he'll think about it but on Tuesday, I was just so surprised when he said that he already messaged the one who's adopting the pup. I just felt so betrayed. I had high hopes and he just dropped it carelessly.

Earlier, while we were having dinner, he told us that the new owner will get the pup tomorrow and I just can't hold back my tears anymore. For this past week, I have been crying every time I had to let go of another pup but I was alone on those moments. But this time, it was when everyone was on the dining table, in front of them, in front of the food.

It just really hurts and I can't hold back anymore. I got distracted earlier when we watched a Kdrama but just before I sleep, when I am alone again, like right now, I just can't help it but to think about it again. I don't want morning to come. I'm not yet ready to let go of the last pup.

I want to be stubborn. I still want to hold on. But I'm afraid it might only result to conflict. Partly, I have already accepted that it'll be given away because I don't have a voice against my brother. But still, I just can't stop myself from feeling this way, right?

It's already 1:20 am as of the moment, I was just in dazed for 2 hours before I started typing this hoping that when I let it all out I can finally fall asleep.

Again, sorry for this overly dramatic article. I know, I have been talking about this for so many times now and I also do hope that this will be the last time that I'll write something about this. That I'll write something that is full of negative energy.

I'm just glad that I was finally able to say it all out, even just through writing. Will be back with the positive me tomorrow. Hehe.

Thanks for reading. Just don't mind me. Pls.

:)