@imanagrcltrst
I'm Losing My Adoration For Him
ARTICLE NO. 56 OF 2022 TITLE: <I'm Losing My Adoration For Him> DATE OF PUBLISHING: <MARCH 17, 2022> Family problems ... All of us had been encountered this kind of problem, right? There are no exemptions, whether we are rich or poor. It'll come and knock on our doors, invited or uninvited. Any time and anywhere we are. What can be its root causes? There are so many reasons out there. It might be a simple misunderstandings, misbehavior, personalities differences leading to clashes and arguments, parents' arguments, siblings quarrels, domestic violence, stress, and the top reason of all those innumerable reasons? **Financial matters**. *Wandering why am I into this topic?* Because I can't hold it up any longer, it seems like I am going to explode anytime soon. And, what is it all about? More so, who's that "**him**" in the title? Let's get to know more. `Disclaimer: I am not writing this blog to put all the blame to him nor disrespecting him. Even to humiliate him, especially he's not here to see this. Just simply want to ease this heavy feeling within my heart and mind.` Had you seen my recent post in noise.cash? Here it is:
Maybe, you'll see me as a bad daughter for making this as a content but this is only where I can express what I feel and think of. Papa ... I used to adore him for so many years, since *nagkaroon ako ng muwang* and until I don't know when. He's so hardworking, dedicated, determined, persevere, optimistic, and most of all? A very responsible husband and father. I can't say anything in this matter and that's why I really adore him. **But, that was before. Back when he still cares of us, when he still thinks of our future. Back when he still full of dreams~** Now? Where is that "old him"? I don't even know the answer. We can't feel him anymore, seems like he's so tired of living. Of supporting us~ To the extent that he's been neglecting us, his family, for almost 3 years. I'm so proud of him before, as in. *Grabe pagka-bilib ko sa kaniya dati* that I've been so fond of making him as a topic while talking with other people. But, how about now? I don't know anymore. But one thing's for sure, **I am slowly losing my amor towards him**. Slowly, *lumalayo na loob ko sa kaniya*. And, that's the negative side of me. Because when I lost that "*amor*" to other people? Automatically, he/she won't gain my attention again. What are my reasons for feeling this way? Here's three of them. *Maybe for some people, my reasons are too shallow. But, for me? It was somehow acceptable.* **His attitude and behavior.** *He's too demanding*. When he says he wants this *ulam*, we should obey. But, guess what? He won't give money for us to buy that. When he saw that we have some remaining money, he'll bring up his *luho* for his motor. *Short-tempered and narrow-minded.* When we complain about his attitude, he won't listen and instead? He'll reciprocate everything until he's the one who's complaining with our attitudes. When Mama was correcting him, he won't listen up and instead? He'll say, "*akala mo ka perpekto.*"; "*ay hindi, 'yang ugali mo ang tingnan mo*.", and etcetera. When Mama was confronting him about drunk-driving, he'll insists this. "*Kahit anong ingat mo, kung oras mo na, edi oras mo na*." What kind of mindset is that? That sucks. *Nakakarindi!* *He always complain, likes to blame other people, including others in the talks.* He often rant about Mama's siblings' behavior like fan of debts, dependent, *batugan at mautak*. But he doesn't know, he's slowly being like them. And sadly, he won't admit it. **He let us work for almost 24/7.** After he got sick last October 2019 to March 2020, he seems to be lazy. He doesn't want to work anymore, especially when I got to help our family financially. *Para bang lumaki na kaagad ulo n'ya~* In those next months, I and Mama had been working just to feed the family and provide our other needs. Mama was accepting numerous laundries from her willing-clients and now, she's having a sideline as a *kasambahay*. Her salary? Just PhP 1000.00 ($20) a month. She already wants to give it up as she's feeling numbness in her hands and feet, lack of sleep, too much of tiredness. But what she always say was, "*how about our expenses? My income in washing the laundries won't be enough. Who'll shoulder it? You? I won't allow that.*" Me? I've been working here for almost 24 hours just to earn, *kahit na $2 man lang sa isang araw*. I'm also accepting tutorials to add some additional money for our monthly budget. And what I can't accept was, even my younger brother was now working. *Taga-bilad ng palay, taga-drive ng motor, taga-deliver ng videoke, taga-bantay sa poultry,* name it. There are times that I can see his fingers, *may mga paltos*. As his Ate, those scenarios are breaking my heart. Already enough as a proof that *nahihirapan s'ya*. While, him? He's sitting down in his hammock, watching television, being too demanding. Yes, he's working but that was just for once a week. How would that feed us? To think that he's not using it for us, but for his *luho*. When we asked him to buy ice, *bubusangot na kaagad na akala mo napaka-mahal ng yelo*. What more if we required him to buy milled rice? Our viands? The house rent? When will he work regularly again? Maybe when Mama got sick again? Just like last October 2021. Whennnn? He's still strong and healthy, but why? He's stress? Oh, we're stressed and exhausted too. **Financial matters.** In those months, he's not the family's provider anymore. We, I and my sibling, do the funding now. Opportunities to work like being a baker or grab the chance to work as a tricycle driver (especially now that the parking fee is temporarily free). But, he's finding an alibi to not grab those chances. Not because he can't, he just don't want too. *Daming rason* to keep goin', but his alibis are even more greater. Not anymore~ he changed, right? He changed, in a negative way. And I don't know if he'll come back *pa ba* or *hindi na*. And sad to say, I am tired of having high hopes that one day we'll see him like before. *Saka na lang ako maniniwala kapag nakikita ko nang nagbabago na s'ya* into a better version of him. For more articles, just visit me here in read.cash: imanagrcltrst: https://read.cash/@imanagrcltrst And, we can also have a chitchat in noise.cash: imanagrcltrst: https://noise.cash/u/imanagrcltrst
LOVE LOTSSS!
42 comments
I can somehow feel you, my father had been like that since he had been diagnosed with heart problems and under medication. He was cold before but become much colder now. Though I want to be cold towards him, some part of me still says what if this is the last time that I can be close to him? Those thoughts always bother me, I try to understand but always gets me frustrated.
Cheer up, bb. Ilabas mo lang lahat ng sama ng loob mo through writing, lalo kung hindi naman siya nakikinig kamo.
Thank you, bb~ 🥺 Buti talaga may read.cash, kasi kung wala? Baka sasabog na ako maya-maya.
Ganyan papa ko sis. Naiistress na Mama ko dahil sa katamaran niya pag my work naman siya eh di naman bumibili ng needs sa bahay. Di talaga maiwasan na mkafeel ka ng ganyan kasi he is the head of the family. Baka kasi nakalimutan niya yon. Yan lagi Kong nireremind ni hubby ko nung time na wala siyang work at instead tulongan niya ako sa work he was addicted to ML.
I love my dad so much and yeah i miss him so much.
Same. I really miss the old him~ 💔
So sorry to read this beh. And I understand kung bakit ganyan ng nararamdaman mo ngayon sa kanya. Subukan nyo sya kausapin. Ang hirap ng ganyan, bukod sa tamad eh di pa maganda ng ugali at nakuha nya pa magluho sa motor nya.
Ang hirap kasi, Ate. If this continues, babagsak health ni Mama for sure dahil sa sobrang kakatrabaho. And ayan ang kinakatakot ko~ 🥺 Di s'ya ubrang tanungin, Ate kasi mamasamain nya. Napaka-sensitive~ sa ngayon, ayoko talaga muna.
Naku ang hirap ng sitwasyon nyo. Hay di ko din alam ipapayo ko kasi wala ako sa lugar mo pero kung ako yan, ipapamukha ko talaga sa kanya un ginagaw nya. Na wala syang ginagawa for his family. Pray lng beh, na sana matauhan papa mo.
Eto yung iniisip ko before eh, na baka may lumaki ang ulo sa kanila kapag medjo nakaka-luwag na. And ito na nga yun, nangyayari na. 🙍🏼♀️ Di pa man nakakaluwag, ayan na. Dati ko pa sinasama sa prayers ko yan, Ate. Pero wala eh, palala pa nang palala. Okay pa sana kung maayos ugali nya, like may kusa sa gawaing-bahay, pero wala din. Pag inutusan mo nang inutusan, sisimangutan ka.
Ilang taon na nga ulit Papa mo beh?
42 pa lang, Ate. Malakas pa naman and walang sakit~ ewan ko ba, di ko na talaga alam.
kaedad ko lang pala beh pero bakit naman ganun, baka my realization sya nun nagkasakit sya, hehehe... Asawa ko eh 46 na pero masipag pa din magwork a kahit di nya line of work eh pinapatos para lang magkapera
Nakakalungkot nman. Ang tanong dyan e, anong nangyari at bigla syang nagbago?
Nakakalungkot po talaga~ sabi ni Mama ganiyan na daw po talaga s'ya dati pa. Tapos baka daw tinatamad na dahil nakikita n'ya na nakakatulong na ako.
I do understand why you feel this way its because may ganito dn akong feeling. Kaya nga minsan naiinis ako why I already grown up by seeing their imperfections kasi naiiba ung pag tingin natin sa mga magulang natin kasi alam na natin ung mga dapat at tama.
Same feeling dai.. Nung bata pa ako, idol ko si papa kc nga sundalo. Nung nagkamuwang na . unti2 ko nakikita ant hate ugali nya pag ka strikto... Until 20 something ako, I still hold a grudge against him....it was only 5 yeard ago when I realized that, we are not getting younger anymore and I have to let go of this hatred...besides, we won't be at peace kpg may hate sa heart natin..
Sabi din ni Mama ganito na s'ya dati, kapag sweldo nya? Sweldo nya lang. Mainitin na daw ulo nya dati pa lang pero iba ngayon. Siguro di ko lang pansin dati kasi bata pang mag-isip. Iba na kasi ngayon, Ate eh. Pero we're doing our best pa din naman na intindihin sya kahit super hirap~ I don't have a grudge naman, siguro tampo lang? Pero nandun pa din naman yung love. Nakakalungkot lang kasi ginagawa nya eh </3
Relate ako sa article mo sis, pero sakin si mother. Iniintindi ko nalanh kesa makarinig ako ng salita, pero thankful ako since umalis ako sa bahay naging matiwasay na isipa. Ko ulit
Kung pwede lang umalis, Ate. Pero di pwede at ayoko din kasi si Mama at mga sibs ko ang magsa-suffer. 🙍🏼♀️
Anong nangyari sa kanya nong 2019Mae? Baka something is bothering him kaya ganyan ang approach niya sa inyo. Natanong niyo ba kung ano gusto niya gawin?
Sumumpong ng sobra yung UTI n'ya, Ate. Di nakapag-work from October to March 2020 tapos naabutan pa ng lockdown. Akala namin ni Mama babalik s'ya sa dati after maka-fully recover pero di pala. Until now ganun pa din~ Baka, Ate. Naiisip namin baka problemado pero saan? Wala naman na s'yang iniintindi kasi pinipilit namin ni Mama na i-shoulder lahat. Tinry din namin before na tanungin s'ya pero iba dating sa kaniya kaya ayun, nauwi sa pagtatalo nila ni Mama.
Ayy :( may mga friends ba sya jan? Baka may nka influence kaya ganyan na pag-iisip niya?
Meron, Ate. Mga bayaw and common friends ni Mama pero di naman sila ganito~ baka napagod na sa buhay, Ate. Kaya pati kami eh sinukuan na din. :(
Ohh I can’t imagine at my first time visiting your Article I got so touching by this honestly. You just have to keep him and always try to run alway from his grudges maybe one day hopefully he change. I hope to see you around.
Baka sobrang stress sya batang bibwit, baka may mga thought sya inside na parang lalong nakakapag push para di gumawa ng mga bagay bagay na dati nyang ginagawa. Ang hirap naman ng ganyan. Why not have a heart to heart talk kaya. You said he's awesome before, mabait din siguro? Baka sakaling pag nag open ka sa kanya may mabago 🥺
Stress din naman kami, Ate eh and he can't accept the fact na nahihirapan na kami. Sinabi ko sa kaniya before na intindihin n'ya si Mama kasi stress na sa buhay namin pero anong ginawa nya? Umangil lang s'ya. Ginawa ko na yan dati, Ate. Anong nangyari? Nauwi sa away at ako pa naging masama. Ayoko na, nakakapagod eh. Kita mo ngayon, umiinom na naman. Tapos mamaya may part 2 ng bangayan nila ni Mama kasi lasing na naman sya. 🙍🏼♀️
Ang hirap naman nyaan. What if lasing sya tas napasama ang away my gosh ha. Kaya pala kahilig mo humapit kahit madaling araw 🥺
Sarado kasi isip nya kapag nakakainom, Ate. Kung anong gusto nyang paniwalaan, ayun na yun. Kumbaga, di sya nakikinig sa opinyon namin. Ayan nga iniisip ko, Ate. Baka magka-pisikalan bigla kaya naka-antabay ako palagi kapag nagsasagutan sila.
Naku bakit palaging Ganyan disposition nya. I think the environment and the situation triggers alot.
Maybe, pagod na s'yang itaguyod kami. Or baka dahil akala nya pwede na syang mag-petiks petiks at medjo nakaka-luwag na kami. Ewan ko ba, di ko na din po alam. 🙍🏼♀️
I think isa yan sa mga ugali kapag tumatanda na. Our Grandpa is like that too before and nambabae pa bga but he changed and go back to normal after he realize his mistakes. Yun pala may masakit sa loob loob na parang may favoritism yung mga anak niya? Si Lola kasi lagi nila binibigyan ng mga ganto at ganyan, may pa engrante pang birthday celeb. Samantalang siya, kakain lang tapos paalak ayon tapos na. Ganon? Better if sabihin mo yang nga nanaramdaman mo sakanya kasi panganay ka. He can understand you if you will let out all of that thoughts para maayos pamilya nyo kasi kung magiging ganyan siya palagi, wala. Patutunguhan lang ng gulo, away lagi at samaan ng loob. So if you don't like your family to be ruined, sabihin mo ng mapag usapan nyo yan na buong pamilya.
I pray that his behavior towards you and your siblings change, and he start to care for you the way he was used to do before.
Nakakapagod umintindi kapag ganiyan. Kahit dito si Mama halos na lahat gumagawa even though my Dad has a job. But it's not enough to feel the whole family. My mom works on weekdays and may mga sidelines pa siya sa business namin. Kaya minsan di na ako humihingi ng pera sa kanila to lessen the weight on their shoulders. My advice would be kausapin niyo na siya nang maigi. Tell him what you really feel. Make him realize that he is missing out on his responsibilities as a husband and a father. Kung ako lang, di ko kaya ng ganiyang ugali, palamunin na siya. I wouldn't settle for that kind of man and baka hiwalayan ko na pag ganiyan.
Kaya nga, mamsh. Ako man din napapagod na syang intindihin kasi palala na nang palala eh~ si Mama may sideline din, nagkakasambahay. Aalis ng 5:30AM then uuwi around 10 na tapos maglalaba naman ng labada. Tapos sa hapon babalik sa sideline nya~ grabe 'yung pagod ni mama. Minsan umiiyak na lang s'ya sa kwarto tapos hahayaan ko lang sya para mabawasan bigat na pasanin nya. Paglabas nya, ako naman iiyak. Kaya grind talaga ako kung grind, para kay Mama and sa sibs ko. Tinry na namin yan dati, mamsh. Pero kami lang ni Mama napasama kasi di sya nakikinig, super sensitive pa. Kaunting tanong, mamasamain na kaagad nya. Kako nga kay Mama, sana nay-arkila na lang sila kagabi pauwi kasi lasing na lasing si Papa. Tapos iniwan na nila si Papa 'dun~ umuwi sya kung anong oras nyang gusto. Nagiging cold na ako towards him, ayoko pero di ko mapigilan eh. Mulat na kasi ako, alam ko na style nya. 🙍🏼♀️
Sorry to read this sis, mukang ang hirap ng sitwasyon mo sa family mo dahil sa father mo hays. Kaya pala halos ikaw nag poprovide pati rent at pag grocery sayo. Trust in God sis, I hope marealize ng father mo mga pagkukulang nya. Sending virtual hugs.
Hirap talaga, siss. Sabi nga ni Mama s'ya na 'yung padre de pamilya tapos ako na ang nanay dahil sa mga ginagawa namin~ Oo, sis. Kasi kung di ako kikilos? Ngayon pa lang, baka may sakit na si Mama kakatrabaho. 🙍🏼♀️ Sana nga pero sa ngayon? Ayoko na munang umasa, hintayin ko na lang na mangyari na talaga. Kakapagod eh~ Thankie uyyy~ :"
Lol I thought it's Yorme. Because I have become disappointed with him. Anyway such is life tlga... Disappointments can never be avoided. D bale kaya m yan. 👍👍👍
Grabe ate yung gigil ko nung binasa ko to. Buti talaga ate malayong malayo sila ng father ko kahit medyo lumalayo rin loob ko. Siyempre ginagawa lang niya yon kasi mahal niya kaming family. Ni minsan hindi niya nga sinaktan physically or verbally si mama eh, pero may times na nag-a-away sila as normal lang yon sa isang relasyon. Nakakainis kasi ate nagtatrabaho kayong lahat tapos siya palamyerdayerda lang. Pano pa kaya kung nalaman niya na malaki ipon mo rito? Hanggang maaari, itago mo ate. Kung may kakilala ka ate na psychiatrist, papunta mo don o kaya pacounsel mo sa proffessional or sa pari para mahimasmasan haha.
I also feel hostile at times with my Father, he is hardworking but his negative qualities shrouds the positive ones. When we are at home, I don't even bring myself to talk to him very much. I just don't like him. What you're going through is quite tough by, if only there's a chance to choose a parent sometimes, I would find it useful. But we just can't 😢
Oh sweet sis, I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. I do hope and pray he wakes up and realizes his mistakes before he finally lose his family forever.
How old is your father na? Perhaps naga-andropause na kaya nagiging moody and unreasonable. But still, not a valid reason to act like that towards his family. Siya pa rin dapat ang provider. Naiyak ako, ramdam na ramdam ko yung bigat :( mahigpit na yakap, kaibigan. May all your sacrifices be rewarded.