I'm Losing My Adoration For Him

ARTICLE NO. 56 OF 2022
TITLE: <I'm Losing My Adoration For Him>
DATE OF PUBLISHING: <MARCH 17, 2022>

Family problems ...

All of us had been encountered this kind of problem, right? There are no exemptions, whether we are rich or poor. It'll come and knock on our doors, invited or uninvited. Any time and anywhere we are.

What can be its root causes? There are so many reasons out there. It might be a simple misunderstandings, misbehavior, personalities differences leading to clashes and arguments, parents' arguments, siblings quarrels, domestic violence, stress, and the top reason of all those innumerable reasons? Financial matters.

Wandering why am I into this topic? Because I can't hold it up any longer, it seems like I am going to explode anytime soon. And, what is it all about? More so, who's that "him" in the title? Let's get to know more.

Disclaimer: I am not writing this blog to put all the blame to him nor disrespecting him. Even to humiliate him, especially he's not here to see this. Just simply want to ease this heavy feeling within my heart and mind.

Had you seen my recent post in noise.cash? Here it is:

Maybe, you'll see me as a bad daughter for making this as a content but this is only where I can express what I feel and think of.

Papa ...

I used to adore him for so many years, since nagkaroon ako ng muwang and until I don't know when. He's so hardworking, dedicated, determined, persevere, optimistic, and most of all? A very responsible husband and father. I can't say anything in this matter and that's why I really adore him.

But, that was before. Back when he still cares of us, when he still thinks of our future. Back when he still full of dreams~

Now? Where is that "old him"? I don't even know the answer. We can't feel him anymore, seems like he's so tired of living. Of supporting us~ To the extent that he's been neglecting us, his family, for almost 3 years.

I'm so proud of him before, as in. Grabe pagka-bilib ko sa kaniya dati that I've been so fond of making him as a topic while talking with other people. But, how about now? I don't know anymore. But one thing's for sure, I am slowly losing my amor towards him. Slowly, lumalayo na loob ko sa kaniya.

And, that's the negative side of me. Because when I lost that "amor" to other people? Automatically, he/she won't gain my attention again.

What are my reasons for feeling this way? Here's three of them.

Maybe for some people, my reasons are too shallow. But, for me? It was somehow acceptable.

• His attitude and behavior.

He's too demanding.

When he says he wants this ulam, we should obey. But, guess what? He won't give money for us to buy that. When he saw that we have some remaining money, he'll bring up his luho for his motor.

Short-tempered and narrow-minded.

When we complain about his attitude, he won't listen and instead? He'll reciprocate everything until he's the one who's complaining with our attitudes. When Mama was correcting him, he won't listen up and instead? He'll say, "akala mo ka perpekto."; "ay hindi, 'yang ugali mo ang tingnan mo.", and etcetera. When Mama was confronting him about drunk-driving, he'll insists this. "Kahit anong ingat mo, kung oras mo na, edi oras mo na." What kind of mindset is that? That sucks. Nakakarindi!

He always complain, likes to blame other people, including others in the talks.

He often rant about Mama's siblings' behavior like fan of debts, dependent, batugan at mautak. But he doesn't know, he's slowly being like them. And sadly, he won't admit it.

• He let us work for almost 24/7.

After he got sick last October 2019 to March 2020, he seems to be lazy. He doesn't want to work anymore, especially when I got to help our family financially. Para bang lumaki na kaagad ulo n'ya~ In those next months, I and Mama had been working just to feed the family and provide our other needs.

Mama was accepting numerous laundries from her willing-clients and now, she's having a sideline as a kasambahay. Her salary? Just PhP 1000.00 ($20) a month. She already wants to give it up as she's feeling numbness in her hands and feet, lack of sleep, too much of tiredness. But what she always say was, "how about our expenses? My income in washing the laundries won't be enough. Who'll shoulder it? You? I won't allow that."

Me? I've been working here for almost 24 hours just to earn, kahit na $2 man lang sa isang araw. I'm also accepting tutorials to add some additional money for our monthly budget.

And what I can't accept was, even my younger brother was now working. Taga-bilad ng palay, taga-drive ng motor, taga-deliver ng videoke, taga-bantay sa poultry, name it. There are times that I can see his fingers, may mga paltos. As his Ate, those scenarios are breaking my heart. Already enough as a proof that nahihirapan s'ya.

While, him? He's sitting down in his hammock, watching television, being too demanding. Yes, he's working but that was just for once a week. How would that feed us? To think that he's not using it for us, but for his luho. When we asked him to buy ice, bubusangot na kaagad na akala mo napaka-mahal ng yelo. What more if we required him to buy milled rice? Our viands? The house rent?

When will he work regularly again? Maybe when Mama got sick again? Just like last October 2021. Whennnn? He's still strong and healthy, but why? He's stress? Oh, we're stressed and exhausted too.

1. Financial matters.

In those months, he's not the family's provider anymore. We, I and my sibling, do the funding now. Opportunities to work like being a baker or grab the chance to work as a tricycle driver (especially now that the parking fee is temporarily free). But, he's finding an alibi to not grab those chances. Not because he can't, he just don't want too. Daming rason to keep goin', but his alibis are even more greater.

Not anymore~ he changed, right? He changed, in a negative way. And I don't know if he'll come back pa ba or hindi na. And sad to say, I am tired of having high hopes that one day we'll see him like before. Saka na lang ako maniniwala kapag nakikita ko nang nagbabago na s'ya into a better version of him.

For more articles, just visit me here in read.cash:

imanagrcltrst: https://read.cash/@imanagrcltrst

And, we can also have a chitchat in noise.cash:

imanagrcltrst: https://noise.cash/u/imanagrcltrst

LOVE LOTSSS!