Unexpected

Things changed a lot this year. I have been busy trying to survive day by day after the incident on May. I am not sure whether I have move on with my life or still stuck in the past. I don't even know whether the relationship between me and my husband are still intact or we just barely hanging on to false hope. All that I know now is that I am doing quite well though I am still struggling with debts and tight budgets.

Miracle happen to me this year and one big problem is settled. I will be able to be a little bit independent again. I am quite happy without my husband around though it do feel lonely. I am no longer helpless. I believe that I have broke free from the cage that confined me before. Perhaps this is only the feeling I got when he is not around. I am not sure about my feeling when he is standing right in front of me. I am not even sure whether he loves me or just hanging on because he think he need to for our daughter.

I am still wondering about the kind of wife I can be if he decide to keep the relationship. Will I be able to forgive, treat him like before or whether I can still trust him for our future. I do not know his planned for our family or perhaps I never agree on any of his planned. I keep on thinking that my life go smoother without him now.

He used to be the reason I can still smile during sadness. He make me laugh and keep me company. I didn't even realize the moment he start ignoring me, refusing to comply to any of my annoying attitude, stop joking, talking more nonsense and isolating himself. He keep on blaming me for everything. He is angry that I am not listening to his suggestion, mad that made decision on my own and furious if I went home a little bit late from work. Keep accusing me for having another man.

Did I force him to marry me? Listening to him, I have been travelling far for work everyday even though I have an option to shorten the journey. I ruin my car because the place he ask me to stay with him is always flooded and I am drown with stupidity because of tiredness. I force myself to build a house closer to work and he did not even help though he have the ability to do so. He did help in the end but everything he did id halfway and unarranged.

I believe he can do more but he keep on making excuses that he do not have the time. Every time I stay at home in the weekend or the public holiday he will use the whole day to sleep. If he work, he will use the whole day to work until night, until I am asleep with our daughter. No proper conversation, no understanding between us and no common opinion. I started thinking about the reason I chose him as my partner.

Even so, I am glad because of our daughter. I am thankful for having my daughter. She is the greatest treasure of our relationship. I survive because of her and I am also in fear because of her. I am scare that I am incompetent as a mother, I am scare that I might failed her future or restricting her development.

Life will never be easy but whether it is beautiful and happy depend on ourselves. I can never say that my life is going to be better soon but I am doing quite well now and that is what important. Life can throw anything but as long as we stand strong to face it, we will have the chance to breath easier. Living life to the fullest is one thing that I still cannot understand much until now but I think I am getting closer to it.

I cannot count the frequency of my failure and the moments I want to just stop and give up trying but I am thankful that I have friends that help me to get through. Friends near and far that I less contacted now but always in my heart and mind. I wanted to focus on building my life again from the scratch. I think I need to start again before I drag down my daughter with me. Hoping that there will be no more restriction from him. I wanted to tell him that he did a lot for me but thinking back to our time together. He is nothing much than my sacrifices for him. I wonder if he even appreciated me because he never showed. I do not want any rewards from other people but I want him to admit that I did not ruin his life. It is him who ruin his own life.

I used to think that he is my strength but he is the reason I am drag down. Perhaps he did gave me a little bit of strength but I am done blaming myself for our failure in relationship.

Dear friend, sometimes separation will let you know how independent you are without him. Do not let yourself down into depression and despair because you are more than what you are when you are with him. Get up and start again and you will see your future as clear as the blue sky. Good luck and God bless.