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I have made mistakes. A lot of them. I have been ignoring things for too long and it now become poisonous to me. I am not sure whether I can find the antidote to this deadly poison. Knew that it is mostly my mistake that made things worst, I lost the strength to carry on. I guess it is the strength of my daughter that enables me to drag my feet around.
I am lost. I thought that I was strong but now I realized that I am weaker than the thin ice. Some people knew they should speak up but remained silent. Some knew they should get help but refused to because of ignorance or denial. I believe that I am one of them.
My ego has taught me to be humble but my pride is too arrogant to bow down. I have too much self-confidence in each of my plans and I do not allow anyone to alter anything.
I do not have great patience when I believe that my plan is doable though I am well aware of the consequences. I have high confidence that I will be able to manage.
The truth is that I am not capable of managing things very well but I am quite good at surviving any difficulties in my life.
I feel proud of myself for being able to go through a lot of difficulties and still alive. A lot of people say that I am strong but deep inside of me shouting "I can't breathe. Help me."
He has been my strength for a few years now. He has always been. Recently, he changed. He lost himself and he became someone that I barely knew. According to him, I was the reason he becomes like that. I am disrespectful to him, treating him like a child, I am not being a good wife, and yes, now I realized that I am incompetent. I am not a dream wife. I have an ego as high as a man, independent, stubborn, and high self-confidence of success in every plan I made, and I will not listen to anything that he suggested.
Thinking back, I think I did listen to him. a little bit but perhaps it is not enough for him. He wanted me to be a wife under his feet and not someone who sits on the same level as him or higher than him.
He concluded that my treatment for him is me looking down on him because he is jobless. He is a stay-at-home husband but he is perfect that way for me. It turns out that he buried a deep dissatisfaction with being unemployed and having a wife that feeds him.
As for me, that is not the case at all. I prefer him to be home to help take care of the house and our daughter because I cannot afford to leave my job with the amounts of debts I am having. He cared too much about a man's dignity in being the breadwinner. Who said that it should be a man to be the breadwinner? The law?
It's a matter of perspective, closed and narrow-minded person. He chose to be buried deeply in the negative thoughts of society and burden himself with the desire to be the head for me.
If he stayed the way he is at the moment I met him, I doubt that I became this bad for him. Perhaps it is I that changed him. So this could be entirely my fault.
He was a kind-hearted man that does not mind being treated like a fool thousand times by someone he called a friend. He will come into assistance as quick as he can even though he might not even be appreciated but being taken advantage of. He will keep quiet and buried his heartache with a smile and lots of laughter.
I don't think I ever knew someone who know him thoroughly, someone who does not look down on him and accepted him as he is. Someone who can understand his jokes, and appreciate anything that he does. I am not even that good to him.
It pains me to see him hurting but he kept silent. It made me become his voice. The problem is that I pour out my anger and disappointment on him. I wanted to help him out and protect him but that made him insecure and pressured.
I thought that I am giving him a better life but he is not appreciating but then it turns out that I destroyed him even more. I pushed him into the state he is now with my egoistic desires to protect him.
He wanted to protect me instead of me protecting him. I believe that is all his desire. To be able to be my knight but I did not allow him. I did not trust him to be out of trouble.
He becomes bad-tempered, overworked, and depressed. The most patient man I once knew is gone. I lost him because of my stupid ego.
Please, God, I am asking for a second chance. A chance to become a better wife to him. Please save him from his misery. Let him see all the things I see in him and let him see my reasoning for doing what I did. Let me see my weaknesses so I can mend our broken bond.
I do not have much of my strength left but with this little energy I have left, I will hold on to him and our daughter. With every breath I have, I want to give him my trust, loyalty, and faith.