The loudness of their voices is banging into my head. Restrain to focus on my endeavour but the noises are trying to distract my life little by little.

Here we go again, loud noises that came from two people inside the house. The tree is still standing, but the branches are falling out, the fruits are rotten already because the tree doesn't look alive anymore. Then I don't know what to do anymore. I just wanted to be a flower that blooms beautiful but I think that would be hard for me to make it happen.

I was wronged. I thought I can survive without writing, yes, I still wrote privately. I do read and write to express my deepest emotions into it. As I wanted to write and interact there are times that I am still posting some status in my noise.cash to distract myself from thinking anything and avoid doing the wrong thing even though they're something that needs to be done.

TRIED

Social dilemma.

I tried to stop myself but whenever my phone wasn't beside me, I go and dive deeper into so many thoughts and it was flooding in my mind. That is not a good idea, I keep on avoiding the negative thoughts but whenever midnight comes, the battle begins.

School.

I tried to catch up, and I tried to learn and understand but the environment here is so toxic that I can't even finish a one-hour lecture video. I cannot finish reading the whole chapters because when I start, the battle begins again. I like to be honest that I always procrastinate, do you know why? It's because I am so full of myself and I am so confident that I can still pass the subject even without studying hard. I lose track of everything, especially in my Academics. I tried but the environment here is killing me.

Family

I tried to make up with my mom but I still can't. I do love her but I am not ready for the things that she wanted me to do. I do have dreams and I believed in them, I am a believer in my word yet it's hard to explain how deep it is. How I wish she can open her heart and mind so that I can enlighten her and share the plans that I have.

"I am a dreamer.

I aim high for things and make them bigger. I take it lighter but dive deeper.

I am not just a dreamer but also a believer.

Believer of my own word that even though there's a lot of problems I encountered, I can fight for it together. Not just a dreamer but also a believer."

I wrote this just because my mind wanted me to believe that I can still fight no matter what.

TIRED

I tried every possible reason that I can but I also have limitations, I am just a nobody who's tired of everything I do. Even breathing in a polluted area is so tiring. I am losing my hope.

"I wish to watch the stars,

Wish to remove the scars.

Hold you in my arms,

Smiles that full of charms.

The night that feels nostalgic,

Reminds the memories of tragic.

heart and mind was in a panic,

I don't like this pandemic."

I wrote this short poem last night, I don't even know how I construct but the words are saying something. The words are so powerful that they became my weapon in fighting for the battle in my mind.

I am so tired of everything. That's the real deal.

CRIED

I cried every night. I tried to stop but I am so tired to the point that I cried.

Sobbing silently is one of my way to lessen the heaviness in my heart.

"Flowers in a garden. There is a rose that looks so beautiful. A person wanted to pick one and ended up being hurt by its thorn. There are zinnias with different colors and there are dead flowers that are being ignored. The bees are kept on coming, butterflies are flying and my thoughts are left hanging"

Author's Note:

Thank you for reading my nonsense content, better to ignore.

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