I just don't know.

I still remember the day when she said to me to get out because she doesn't want to see my face anymore. Out of frustration, anger and discouragement, I decided to follow her words without thinking carefully.

It was a late evening and the moon didn't shine so bright that night. I am wearing a sleeveless shirt and shorts, wandering on the street and crying alone. That time, I'm not afraid of the darkness because my mind is full of agony and the sadness is overflowing to control my emotion. I don't have anywhere to go.

I saw a group of guys drinking alcohol near the store of aling Nena but I didn't mind them because I was also busy crying out my best and if I remember it correctly, I was fifteen years old that time.

That's the first time that I encountered a lot of different people to degrade me as a person and even she, who is having the same blood as me. I was so tired back then, I used to blame the world why am I living this kind of life? Am I not enough? Am still doing fine back then but the moment that you lay down your hand in my face is remarkable that leaves a huge scar in my heart.

My fifteen years old self that needs to fight against the world without the encouragement of the people that I wanted to hold my hand and support me as I walk barefooted and didn't mind the broken glasses to step on it.

It taught me to be a strong and independent woman and not to ask for help to some people anymore. I just don't know and I got tired and sick of it. I don't want you to pity my old self that's why I needed to be strong for my own good. At least there's still progress.

That night, I also realized my mistakes when I tried to breathe and speculate what happens on that incident but I stick to my pride and not to go home for the meantime. I just walk along in the middle of the night then little fireflies stay beside me to guide me and I decided to go and sleep in our old house. After crying out loud about in the street, I am still lucky that it's midnight and no one notice my cute complexion.

This is one of the reasons why I pursue to work hard and achieve my dreams in a short span of my life that I have, I may not be good as anyone but I am good because I am being me and no one gonna make me fall again, and if ever they did it I will stand up and fight for it until I got the victory.

What's the purpose of sharing it? It is because to express my deepest thoughts before they eat my mind. I trained myself to control my anger as long as I can, I trained my self not to burst it out when I'm frustrated and I trained myself to be the better version of myself. I don't need any approval because I am the ruler of my own life. No one's gonna break it even though they tried to stab me again and again. I won't stab you back but I will embrace you until you find the calmness on your heart.

As I was saying, writing here helped me to make my problems lighter than the air and it is really incredible to express myself here without the judgment of anyone. I will keep writing and sharing my rants, my happiness and my achievements to express my deepest emotion at the same time so you are free to unsubscribe me because most of the time I am not talking about Bitcoin cash and I just wanted to escape and express the reality that I am withstanding right now.

A lot of life lessons to be remembered.

A lot of mistakes to understand the world better.

A lot of hard work and sacrifices to appreciate how beautiful our life.

Having suicidal thoughts is no joke so it is better to pull it out and talk to someone to lessen the burden of your heart and also helps you to fully appreciate the precious gift that you receive every time you open up your eyes. Showing your brightest smile and live while we can.

To that person, I just wanted to say that you raised me the more than I can be. I'm still thankful for giving me a life that makes me who I am now. Thank you.

Author's Note:

Thank you for reading, God bless!