My Epic Failed Suicidal Attempts
A suicidal attempt is an attempt to die by suicide but is unsuccessful which results in survival. Such action usually happens when a person feels hopeless and sees no more reason to live. Perhaps, the person has lost someone, a job, or even social support. They can also be depressed or worse, exposed to suicidal behaviors from peers or the internet.
Believe me or not, I tried ending my life too. Not just once but countless times. The attempts started when I was around 9 or 10 years old. Yeah, I know I was too young, but the thought of it hit me hard even as a kid. That was probably my first serious obsession but thankfully, none of those attempts were successful. I guess I was just too young to chase a dream.
Reasons behind the obsession
I know I was only a kid, but I had my reasons. As a kid with a disability, I felt like an outcast. I did have some friends as a child but since my physical activities were limited, I felt alone most of the time. Then it got worsen when I met my bullies in school which made school hard for me. Sometimes, I just wished that I was invisible, and only my teacher and close friends could see me so I could attend school peacefully.
No one in the family knew my sufferings. At home, I just acted normal as I didn't want my dad to go to school and talk to my teacher. He was a PTA president and quite well-known in our small community. So for me, that would be too embarrassing.
My brother even made the situation even worst. We just couldn't stop fighting back then. There were no days wherein we don't fight. We always argued about anything, which added to my stress and depression. Hence, the thought of being dead was my last resort.
The different suicidal attempts
Honestly, writing about this doesn't bother me anymore. Yeah, at that time, it was sad coz I badly wanted to die. Now, I just laugh about my crazy obsession with dying as a kid. By the way, this article is inspired by my nieces whom I shared my story while we were having dinner. While telling them this stuff, my nieces couldn't stop laughing so hard. So now, let me share with you my epic failed suicidal attempts I did as a kid.
Drowning myself in a bucket of water
Every time I was home alone, I would go to our kitchen and see if the bucket was full of water. If not, I would fill it up first, and then attempt to drown myself. I would even imagine that someone actually did that to me just to make it feel convincing. After a few seconds, I realized I couldn't breathe and needed some timeout. I would repeat the process, but I realized not being able to breathe was hard, so I didn't do it again.
Strangling myself with a belt
I also tried strangling myself with my father's belt but just like the first one, I didn't continue because it was only hurting my neck. Lol. I just couldn't bare the pain, so I stopped and moved on to my last option.
Slitting my wrist
Sometimes I would look at our kitchen knife and imagine it as I slit my wrist. I wanted to slit my wrist but was scared to see my own blood, so I didn't do it. But one time, I took our knife and went to my room.
I wanted to scare my mom and see if she would panic if she saw me bleeding on the floor. My mom was in the kitchen at that time busy preparing for our meal. Apart from the knife, I prepared ketchup mixed with a little water to look like blood, and a red ballpen.
I then drew a line on my wrist then poured some ketchup on it too. I also poured some on the knife to make it look real. Then I pretended to collapse in my room to see if mom would rush into my room. Unfortunately, she never did check on me. I waited for a few minutes until I finally decided to get up and went to the kitchen to see what she was doing. Lol.
PS: I don't promote suicide or anything related to this. I just thought of sharing this because I find it funny to think that someone like me would want to end my life yet be afraid to get hurt.
Closing thoughts
I'm glad I'm okay now. I mean I didn't think about ending my life again after so many years. I still feel depressed, but this time, I know how to control my emotions. Despite all the struggles, I know that life is still worth living.
So for those who are planning to quit life, please, DON'T! Don't let your depression overpower you. If you're sad, feel hopeless, or unwanted, just take a break and remember, that every problem has an ending. Just keep moving forward, and you'll eventually reach the end of it.
Feel free to follow me on:
noise.cash | Publish0x | Ecency | LeoFinance | Torum | Twitter
Epic failed ngang tunay, Ate but sheeesh. Don't do it again, okay? If you feel like kinda frustrated or what, let us know. You know, you can count on us even though we don't know each other personally. Your strong to surpass all those negative whispers, so proud of you, Ate MJ! :*