I do not want to get old

A few days ago I have read an article from @Meyzee about FOGO – fear of getting older. Let me ask you this, are you afraid of getting older? Why or why not?

You see when I was young, I could not wait to get older. I remember when my mom used to cover our eyes or she would ask us to cover our own eyes whenever there were some censored scenes on television. As a kid, I was really curious about those scenes. #ratedSPG or rated strict parental guidance. Back then there were no short prelude to the viewers about the show if it needs some parental guidance or what the show was about. There were only the words, PARENTAL GUIDANCE, at the lower right side of the screen. I did not even know how to pronounce it properly before and even asked my mom.about the meaning of it. LOL.

Other than those censored scenes, there were a lot of things that only an adult were allowed to do. Like cooking, gardening or painting their nails. I find it really amusing watching my mom and my aunts have their nails painted that I also wanted my nails to have a manicure but the elders would not allow me because I was still young. Then you can also include the skin care products that they apply on their skin. Or those bra and high heels that they wear. I remember wearing my mom's bra when I was still a kid that I even placed some socks on it when my playmate and I were playing inside the house. LOL. Then with the high heels, I would also wear them and walked confidently on it even if it was too big for me.

There were a lot of things that I wanted to do when I was young that I wished for me to get older. But now that I am in my 30s, I already have that fear of getting older. It is as if I wanted to just stop the time or go back from when I was still a kid. No stress, no worries, no problems. Well there were still some worries like when I broke a vase in our living room or when I fell from the top of the sofa as I was doing some gymnastics and broke my arm and other silly things that I have done that I know will result to a scolding from my parents. I can say that my childhood was eat, play, sleep and repeat.

As of drafting this, the only thing that comes to my mind about my fear of getting older is that I would grow old alone. It may be too early for me to say or even assume that I would be alone when I grow old but it is something that I deeply fear. I have been in a relationship but not in a legal way. I am still single and I am not hurrying about getting into a relationship as I am positive that God will give me the man of my dreams when the right time comes. Well if He doesn't then I would sure be growing old alone and I know that He has a reason why.

I have already told the story about my aunts from mother and father's side. One was living with her brother's family and the other one is living alone in other country.  I made that article because I cannot help but to worry about who will take care of me if the time comes that I am already old. Will my brother take me in? Will that be ok with my sister-in-law? I only have 1 sibling who would look after me unlike with my aunt where she sometimes stays with us but only for a few days. She's used to staying with her brother than with my mom ever since her brother started a family of his own. I do not know if my cousins will take her in if she will be left alone but I am positive that one of them will as she had cared for my cousins as if it they were her own. But the question would be is that will it be ok with the wives of my cousins if they are to take her with them?

Some people tend to grow old alone because they do not want to bother other people. Some people are also used to being alone. Earlier I ask if you are afraid of getting older but now I want to know your honest answer, would you want to grow old alone? Why or why not?

I do not fear about growing some white hairs as I already have that when I was in elementary. I do not fear about the changes in my physical appearance nor my ability because what I really do fear about getting older is growing old alone. Who would want to live and grow old alone without someone takung care of them or someone to talk to? In my opinion, older people tend to age a lot more when they are alone. My dad's mom was alone in other country before. Yes, she was living with her daughter but she was always at work. She had no one to talk to and that is when she started to develop alzheimer. From the stories that I have heard from the elders before, my grandmother even asked the garbage collectors to go inside the house and she even offered drinks. My aunt was really angry because what if they did something to her. So when they visited the Philippines, she stayed here with until she died. She really wanted someone to talk to and good thing my mom was always at home so she had someone to talk to. We only get to bond with my grandmother when we got home after school and during weekends.

I know that there is no assurance that the petson we will end up marrying nor our children will take care of us when we grow old but there is a probably that small chance that they will. When that time comes that I am already old and grumpy, I just hope and pray that there would be that person who would stick by me, love me and care for me no matter how irritating or unbearable I am. And that goes for you too. Just like death, we cannot escape getting old unless we are immortal.

January 09, 2022

P.S. lead image is an edited photo of me. I just changed the filter to a more vintage feels.