We all at some point of time in our lives felt lonely. Even the most extrovert and talkative person will have a phase of loneliness in his life. When we move to a new city or a new part of a city or even a new job we may have the feeling of loneliness. In the last few decades it has become even more aggravated among us and millions are having this feeling of chronic occasional loneliness.
In a survey in UK it was found that between the age group of 18-34 about 60 percent felt the occasional loneliness; in America about 46 percent of the population have regular bouts of loneliness.
Even though we are now the most connected than any other time of history but still an increasing number of people are feeling lonely. We can feel comfortable being alone and hate being surrounded by others. If you feel lonely then you are lonely, it is a pure subjective and personal experience. The stereotype belief is that loneliness happens to introverts and those who don’t know how to talk to others. You may have social skills but still you may lack social connections. Your money, fame, power cannot protect you from loneliness because it is ingrained in your biology.
So what is this loneliness?
Loneliness is a bodily function just like your hunger. When you are hungry you will pay attention to it. Similarly loneliness makes you more aware of your social needs. Your social needs are the outcome of millions of years of evolution as it decided whether you will survive or not. The process of natural selection favored those ancestors who formed connection with each other. Our brains grew with each passing generation to recognize how others felt and thought and form social bonds. This way being social became a part of our biology.
The prehistoric you were born into groups of people usually between 50 to 150 and they generally stayed together for whole life. It was basically impossible to stay alone and stay safe from predators, get enough calories and care for offspring. Staying together meant survival, so it became crucial to be able to get along with others. Being eaten by a lion was not as big a threat as being excluded from a group for not being able to get social. So the body created the social pain of exclusion and rejection. It was like an early warning to change your behavior and adapt to a group. That’s why loneliness is painful. This system was working well until the new modern era came.
The modern era
The modern loneliness era started in the 18th century. Now the western culture started shifting towards individualism from the collectivism of the middle ages. In the industrial revolution people shifted from farming to work as workers in factories. The focus shifted from communities which had evolved for thousands of years to city life. As we got more modern with time this trend also became stronger. Today we move across cities and countries and even continents for job, education and better prospects and leave behind our social bonds.
Now we meet fewer known people face to face. The number of close friends has dropped. Now we are busy with our jobs, education, kids and entertainment that we don’t have much time to interact. And then one day we start feeling isolated, but the yearning is there. But like you others have also moved on and you wind hard to find close connections. While we feel great with our modern lifestyle bur our minds are fundamentally still thousands of years old.
How loneliness affects us?
The stress that comes with loneliness is an unhealthy thing. It makes us age faster, the immune system weaker; it makes the cancer deadlier and the Alzheimer’s advance faster. The troubling thing about loneliness is that once it becomes chronic then it can be a self sustaining thing. Physical pain and social pain behave the same way in our brain- it feels like a threat. So social pain triggers a defensive mechanism and goes in a self preservation mode. It will perceive everything as a threat and danger. Thought the brain gets more alert to social signals but it fails to interpret it correctly. The part of the brain that analyses others gives wrong signals. It makes you assume that others have the worst intention towards you. So you become more self-centered to protect yourself.
What to do?
If you think that you are feeling loneliness then the first thing to do would be to understand the vicious cycle you are in. The chronology is usually like this; the initial feeling of isolation will lead you to a feeling of sadness and tension. This will make you focus your attention to only negative interactions with other people. Now your thoughts about yourself and others turn negative. You will start avoiding social interaction which will only increase your isolation. With time it will only get more severe. You will start sitting away from others, be silent, stop or delay answering calls from your friends, avoid going to places where you are invited. Words about your behavior spreads and more people start avoiding you.
Accept you have a problem of loneliness and it is normal for everyone to feel lonely. Check what you are focusing on and identify if you are concentrating on the negative ones. Think impartially whether the interaction was actually negative or you are giving it a negative color. Assume that the world is not against you. If you are not able to decide then do take professional help. It surely deserves more attention.
Humans have created an amazing world but this is not a substitute to the biological needs of connection which have evolved through thousands of years.
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